Last week we talked about renegotiating your dynamic. There was discussion on how to do it, why to do it, and what it might look like when you do sit down and do it. What we didn’t discuss was the emotional impact of an unexpected renegotiation.

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While I certainly encourage you to perform regular renegotiation of your dynamic, there may come a time when a one pounces from out of the blue and catches you unaware. When this happens, it’s understandable if you feel blindsided and run over. Instead of immediately determining that what you had wasn’t what you thought it was, remember that your partner is coming to you for a renegotiation, not to break up and that distinction is very important. You partner doesn’t want to end the dynamic, but find a way for it to continue working for both of you.

Why Does Renegotiation Happen?

I’m approaching this question as a renegotiation that has come out of the blue that one partner may not have been expecting and not something that was regularly scheduled, because, as I said before it’s always a good idea to spend time doing renegotiation on a regular basis.

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There are a plethora of reasons a partner may decide that a renegotiation needs to happen ranging from personal changes in their desires or interests to medical reasons that have come up. The important thing to remember is that they are coming to you because they want to continue the dynamic and they want your support.

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As humans, we have to allow for sudden changes within our lives. Anything from pregnancy to a death of a loved one to breakups to hormonal changes that may affect desire and interest in sex and kinky activities. When your partner asks to sit down for a renegotiation, they are also sitting down to talk to you about a part of their life that they may not have found words for prior to that moment.

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And as much as we’re looking at this as a preparation for news that may be perceived as negative, we must also take into account the possibility that they want to discuss a boundary that they may be ready to cross with you and they didn’t want to wait for the regular time for negotiations.

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If you’re practicing any form of polyamory breaking up with one partner could open the door for conversations around a negotiation. If that partner was meeting a need that can’t be met any longer, you may want to talk with your other partner or partners about finding a way to have that need met, which could very well mean opening negotiations again.

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When somebody is going through emotional turmoil for any reason, they may need to negotiate changes so they can better manage whatever emotional stress they are going through. Please be aware, however, that if you are negotiating with somebody who is under emotional stress for any reason, you take negotiations slowly and deliberately. They may be in a vulnerable state and you do not want to take advantage of that to get something you want or you may find later that you’ve lost them for good. Be mindful of their needs, and listen to their words. Provide them what they want and what they need. Do not try to steer it into something that you want.

How to Approach an Unexpected Negotiation

As the One Opening Negotiations

Whatever the reason you have decided you need to open negotiations, it’s important that you communicate that as clearly as possible to your partner. Allow them to ask questions and answer to the best of your ability and comfort level. If there is a question that you don’t want to answer, be clear that you are not comfortable discussing that specific aspect. Should you feel as thought you’re not at a place where you can discuss the life changes with your partner, then it might be best to step back from the dynamic entirely until you’re at a place that you can communicate about the situation with your partner.

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What you will want your partner to understand is the reason for the sudden changes, how these changes may affect you, and what more they are able to do to support you depending on the circumstances. Be very clear about any new boundaries that you need to have put in place or explain why you’ve decided to remove boundaries that may have been firmly in place and that you have said in the past are not up for negotiation.

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This brings up another point for you to think about. If you are going through an emotional time, you may feel like removing boundaries may help distract you from your emotions. I would recommend not reducing boundaries during emotionally trying times. Putting up new ones is fine because you may need to feel safer, and kinks are often not safe. But removing boundaries for the sake of hiding from your emotions isn’t something that will end well for you or your partner.

As the One Who is Being Asked to Renegotiate

First and foremost, be supportive. While it may feel like a sucker-punch for your partner to ask for changes to the contract, it’s important for you take the time to understand why they are asking for it. If they do not provide any information regarding the reason for the sudden changes, then press them to try and get more information about it. If it is something they don’t want to talk about, you may want to suggest taking a break from the dynamic entirely until they’ve had a chance to process and come to negotiations able to explain the reasons for their desire to change things.

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If your partner is suffering from an emotional trauma, don’t be surprised if they decide to raise boundaries they’ve never raised in the past. On the opposite side of the coin, if they appear to be removing boundaries that they’ve had in place for a while, you may want to see if they are comfortable discussing why now is the time they’ve decided to take those boundaries down. Be as sure as you can that it is something that they are truly ready for and not simply something  they want to ignore the emotional turmoil they’re feeling.

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If anything feels off about the negotiation or what they are asking for, it’s okay to recommend a break from the dynamic aspect of your relationship while you work through it. When an unexpected negotiation occurs, it can often take much longer to get through the negotiations as there is often quite a bit of explanation that goes along with the changes. Let it take as long as it needs to take and be as supportive as you can be.

Wrapping Things Up

In the end, if a renegotiation comes out of the blue, it doesn’t mean that everything that came for it was a lie. People change, circumstances change, and trauma happens. Keeping lines of communication open between parties is important. When somebody comes to you asking to renegotiate, it just means that they care about you enough to want you around and to be there for them. While I can say you shouldn’t feel hurt if that happens, it can certainly hurt if something changes that you were sure never would. Feel the hurt, but try to feel what they’re feeling and to empathize with them so that you have a better understanding of why they need this.

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If you’re the one who needs it, be sure your partner has a clear sense of your motivations behind the changes.

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As with all things, I say that communication is the heart of all of it. When in doubt, communicate, communicate, communicate.

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