Life never quite sits still the way you may want it to sometimes, which is why your dynamic shouldn’t sit still, either. In fact, it is recommended that you renegotiate your Dynamic on a regular basis keep conversations happening and feelings talked about. Something that may have been fun and exciting and worked six months ago, may not be working as well for one or both of you in the present. It’s important to leave avenues of communication open so that issues like that can be discussed and adjusted for.

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Just because something has changed and somebody doesn’t like something they seemed to have enjoyed in the past is not an affront on you as a person or as a dynamic partner. It just means that something has changed and it needs to be adjusted for. This is the sort of thing that can be brought up during a renegotiation session.

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It is important to note that if there is something serious that you’re feeling in the present, you bring it up immediately and do not wait for a renegotiation session to bring it up with your partner. Only you will know what sort of topic might be more immediate for your dynamic.

Why Renegotiate?

We’ve touched a little on the short answer to that above, but it’s important to dig into this a little deeper.

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The newer the dynamic, the more often you will want to renegotiate your dynamic. Depending on your situation, you may want to spend some time every week with renegotiation. During the early stages, you are still exploring each other as well as the kinks you share and take part in. What you discover during this time may change your approach to those different kinks and you may find yourself wanting to move away from certain kinks or changing how you partake in them.

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For example, my partner and I started out much more tame in our dynamic than we would eventually get to. For one, it was much more a softer Dom/sub dynamic that would evolve into a Master/slave dynamic over time and many conversations. While we talked every day about our dynamic and where we wanted it to go, we would take time every week to go over things that worked for us and things that didn’t. Where we had drawn boundaries before, we might discuss softening those boundaries in some cases.

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In the beginning we were both pretty heavy into impact play (we both still are), and while we were talking about edge play, we weren’t at a point where we were comfortable expanding our play into activities that required more risk assessment. While we’re into play piercing, cutting, and blood play now, that took a while for us to get to and many, many conversations about risk, safety and desire.

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What our blood play looks like now is not going to look like what it did in the beginning and it won’t look like somebody else’.

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Then came The Contract which many people see as the end-all be-all of a dynamic. Once you have that contract in place, no more negotiation needs to ever take place.

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As somebody who has been in a union before, I strongly disagree with this statement. Contracts are renegotiated all the time, whether it’s between businesses or between a business and an employee union, or even just individual employees. People change, desires change, life changes, and all of that can affect your dynamic.

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If a partner ends up pregnant, that can very well change the nature of the dynamic and the types of play you partake in. If an aging parent requires additional care and ends up moving into your home, this could have a big impact on your dynamic. Of course, there are smaller things  that may happen that will require some kind of renegotiation. My partner and I are currently in the midst of a renegotiation due to a change in my work schedule that will have me working nights. This changes some of our time together and changes our family interactions with the whole household. There is nothing bad happening with this, just that things will need to change in regard to the dynamic and how certain things currently work.

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As my shift in schedule isn’t immediate, we do have time to talk about the changes that need to happen. We also understand that we will need to revisit these changes after I’ve been working the new shift for a while to see if anything needs tweaking.

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When things change, we must be willing and able to incorporate those changes into the dynamic and that will mean renegotiating any aspect of the contract that’s necessary.

How to Renegotiate Your Contract

What I’m talking about here isn’t the only way for you to to renegotiate your contract. You may come up with your own system, and that’s fine. For some people, this will work, for others they may want to tweak it, and some may decide to not follow any of this advice. So long as you’re talking with your partner in a consensual way about your dynamic, then there is no one right way to this.

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If you need a little bit if guidance, then read on...

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When it’s time to renegotiate anything within our contract, it’s important for my submissive and I really understand each other and what we both need. For a contract renegotiation, we are both allowed to open up any part of the contract we want to discuss. I would recommend doing contract negotiations over a nice dinner. Make it an event – something fun that the two of you can do together and maybe get a little turned on during the process.

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We do go over the entire contract in a single pass for a quick refresher of what’s in there. Then we can open up the sections that we want to discuss, if any. Even if there aren’t any changes, it’s still good to have spent the time going through it and reminding all parties what exactly is in the contract.

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For my partner, there was a specific limit that she had that was a deal breaker. It’s something I enjoy, but not something that I require in my dynamic. Over time, she has adjusted her stance on that activity and now it’s allowed in a very limited capacity after several renegotiation sesssions. And, as a note, I didn’t open up that part of the contract – she did. On the flip side of that, I actually added a boundary that I hadn’t had when we started the dynamic and had been fairly enthusiastic about in the beginning.

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Remember that you’re a team, and a team only works well when they are working together to make a better reality for everybody involved.

Example Negotiation – No Contract

If you haven’t yet drawn up a contract, or perhaps you never intend on having a contract (though, I do recommend a contract for all dynamics, even if you’re not in something as specific as a Master/slave dynamic), then how you approach this is going to be different.

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Let’s start with weekly check-ins. This is important because it provides each partner a scheduled time to bring up any topics they wish to have on the table. Make sure  that you have a loose format to your conversations so that everybody understands the way in which the conversation is going unfold. Something I recommend is starting out these conversations by each partner talking about something that worked well for them since their last check-in. After that’s been discussed, then you move on to seeing if there was anything that wasn’t working for them. If so, take the time to process that and discuss it. Don’t jump to any conclusions about why something isn’t working for them, let them talk to you and tell you the reasons behind it. It is very likely something you can fix.

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The below example looks at a dynamic that has some level of free use where the Dominant has negotiated the use of the submissive at any point, including waking them up for sex by means of penetration. The submissive is having an issue with that.

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“I don’t like when you wake me up with penetration because I haven’t been aroused and I’m not turned on when this happens.”

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“Do you not want me to wake you for sex anymore.”

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“I do want you keep doing that, but could you use some lube on yourself before you fuck me so it’s not uncomfortable in the beginning?”

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While it may at first feel like the submissive is backing away from the idea of being free use, they then clarify that they just want some lube used prior to penetration.

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When it comes to impact play, it’s possible that a submissive partner may have a specific tool that they do not enjoy having used on them. They still want impact play, but not with that specific toy.

Example Negotiation – Contract

To hopefully assist the most number of people, I’m going to refer to how most contracts are setup. This may not match your contract exactly, or it may not look anything like your contract. Please feel free to take form this what is helpful to you and your dynamic.

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Most contracts are setup with sections and subsections like you might find in an employment or business contract. Generally speaking, you do not have to open up an entire section to do some renegotiation, you can simply open the subsections in question.

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You may see a contract setup with sections that look something like this:

1. Preamble – essentially, this is just an overview of what the contract is, who it’s between, and what will be the scope of it.
2. Master’s expectations of the submissive
3. submissive’s expectations of the Master
4. Overview of tasks for submissive
5. Overview of tasks for Master
6. Agreed upon punishments
7. Hard Limits and Boundaries – Only the partner with this limit may open the subsection
8. Soft Limits and Boundaries – Any partner can open this for discussion
9. Agreed upon toys and tools
10. Closing statement

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Most of these sections will have multiple sub-sections. For example, section nine may have the toys and tools broken out into type of toys (Vibrators, Impact Tools, Restraints).

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When negotiation time is getting close, each partner should take a look at the contract and look for areas where they want to make changes or ask for changes within the dynamic. Then, a week before the renegotiation, each partner should submit the desired changes in the desired subsections to each other so they can each look over these changes and come to the table fully prepared.

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Make certain that all changes are then initialed by all partners, then sign the updated document and place it somewhere safe for the next six months to a year.

Closing

While it’s good to have a schedule for your renegotiation, remember that life can happen quickly and that you may want to be prepared to have a negotiation sooner if there is a major life event that will have an impact on your dynamic as a whole.

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Remember to be open and honest with your partner about what’s working and what isn’t. Tell them if you want to try other things within the scope of your dynamic, or if you want shut down certain activities entirely. These talks are a time to help deepen your understanding of each other as well as assist in strengthening your dynamic as a whole.

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