Safety in New Dynamics

Whenever your venture into a new relationship, there will always be a question of safety. Those of us who are old enough to remember the horror stories of Craigs List dating. The fear-mongering of the media around online dating (How can you know if they’re safe?) Well, Julia, how do you know the person you’re going home with from the bar is safe? The person on the dating app has a profile and likely a credit card trail. What does the person at the bar have aside from a pretty face?

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When it comes to kink, we have to be even more careful than the general public. Not because there are more psychos in the kink community (there aren’t), but because naivety surrounding kink and kink activities can lead to some serious consequences. Making sure the people we invite into our kinky lives and kinky play are being safe when it comes to various activities is incredibly important. Not being educated on the aspects of kink that you’re interested in can mean somebody could take advantage of you and end up harming you.

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Does this mean you have to become an expert on all kink activities? No. It does mean that you should be well versed in the safty protocols that are specific to the activities that you enjoy. If you like impact play, know the risks. On an even more urgent level, the same goes for breath play. Then we can look at things like CNC, blood play, and micro-branding and realize there is a huge amount of knowledge we need to possess to partake in any of these sorts of scenes.

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The crux of this question is about being involved in a new kinky dynamic where one individual reads and researches kink while the other does not. In a situation like that, how do you maintain safety?

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There is no one single answer to this question that will satisfy every permutation of a dynamic. Instead, we have to look some broad strokes, and even that won’t necessarily hit every situation.

1. Communication

This requires a fair amount of trust in the other person. Couples (or more) who have been together for an extended period of time and who are just beginning to explore kink may have one partner reading up on things and sharing that information later. For this to work, you need to have somebody who is trustworthy and who can clearly explain the information they are getting from their research. So long as everybody is comfortable with this approach, there is nothing at all wrong with it.

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In fact, every dynamic should be able to have open and honest conversations about their kink. Whether it’s talking about fantasies, discussing ideas, or educating each other on things that you’ve learned. Whatever type of dynamic it is, there needs to be ongoing communication or you may find that the relationship falls apart.

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The need for communication is even more profound when you’re talking about those who may be new to kink and BDSM. I new person getting involved with somebody who has experience is provided an excellent way to learn, assuming that the person they are involved with is trustworthy. This is where I tend to get a little nervous, especially when I see newer submissives going for more “experienced” Doms. If you haven’t read the books or talked to others about what kink means and what is considered safe (I mean, being safe in kink is kind the same as saying you’re being safe because you have on a parachute when you jump out of a plane -  much of what we do in kink is inherently unsafe, trying to weave safety into this environment needs to look more emergency backup plans).

2. But I Don’t Like to Read

Maybe the issue is that you don’t like to read. Or, at the very least, you don’t like to read non-fiction (this is often the case for me unless it is something that really grabs my attention or I end up going down an ADHD fueled rabbit hole that helps me avoid sweeping the hall). Anyway, there are tons of podcasts like Dom Sub Living that you can listen to and gain a better understanding of kink. Or, there are YouTube Videos and online resources like domsubliving.com that help condense some of this knowledge into more digestible pieces without drawing out the topic.

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Also, there are the plethora of blogs available here on Obedience that can help you with a myriad of topics that you may have questions about without making you read a multi-hundred page book.

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I would stay away from pop-culture references to BDSM as certain books about Shades do not give an accurate portrayal of what BDSM and kink should look like. The movie The Secretary is probably a good example of what Kink and BDSM could actually look like in the real world, but even that isn’t necessarily a perfect representation.

3. Instincts

Instincts aren’t perfect, and often are clouded by the various ways in which we play in kinky dynamics, but they are something that you can listen to if something feels off. Don’t wait until you’re in the middle of a scene, if something feels off about a scene idea, bring it up immediately. Even if they can show you in a book that what they’re asking for is “okay in kink” that doesn’t mean that it’s okay for you.

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Nothing in kink is written in stone to the point that it must be followed in a specific way. You create your own dynamic and you create your own rules around it. Just because something is said to be okay in a book, doesn’t mean it’s okay for you or what’s happening. Make adjustments as you need to and create the perfect kink dynamic for you and your partner(s).

4. A Final Word

I’m going to go back and beat on the horse that is Communication. Everything boils down to it in the end. It is the most important aspect of any kink dynamic. If you can’t communicate well with your dynamic partner(s) then you run the risk of being put into a situation you don’t want to be in. Be up front about your needs, your wants, your desires, and especially your boundaries.

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Speak up if something doesn’t feel right.

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If your partner is reading a ton on kink, ask them about it and start a conversation. Let them tell you about the book, what they find fascinating, what they don’t like, and what they may want to experiment with or add to your relationship.

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