To put this as succinctly as possible: Partner hunting sucks. Well, no… it fucking sucks. Throw kink into the mix it goes beyond sucking and falls into the realm of what feels like a super-giant singularity of sucking (but not the fun kind). So, how does one stay positive when searching for a new partner, and more specifically, how does a submissive stay positive while hunting for a new Dominant?

What Feels Heavy?

Right now, everything feels heavy. It seems like every day there is some new form of “Once in a lifetime event” or “Unprecedented actions.” The world feels exhausting and like there is one more horror lurking around the corner at any given moment. In the midst of all of this, you are also feeling disconnected, alone, and somewhat adrift without the guidance of a Dominant. All of this dumped together and stirred well can make you feel hopeless, despondent, and as though you will never find a Dominant to match your needs.

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So, what are you to do? How can you stay positive when you’re feeling especially lonely and vulnerable?

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This is not going to be a space where I tell you that you have to love yourself before you can find somebody to love you. You are deserving of love, even if you don’t feel like it. Remember that. You deserve love. Full stop. You’ve probably heard that so often in your life that there is a little voice in your head that’s telling you that over and over. What’s worse, if you have any bad memories from previous relationships where you weren’t treated well, it makes that weight press down on you that much more.

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Even if that’s not where you are right now, you probably responsibilities that you need to follow through on in life. Maybe it’s work or kids or caring for other family members. Maybe it’s that you’re trying to figure out how you’re going to pay rent or afford groceries as the prices of everything skyrockets.

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Maybe there are things that I haven’t mentioned that are weighing on you as well that just pile on the weight of all the things in your life.

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All of that can feel terribly weighty, plus the weight of trying to find a Dominant who will meet you where you need to be met.

Remaining Positive

This is the hard part because so many of us have the tendency to focus on the terrible things around us instead of finding ways to find joy. This can feel even more difficult when everything feels like it’s on fire. So, how can we find the positive when we feel lonely and as though the world is caving in all around us?

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As silly as it may sound, find something that brings you joy. Whether it’s a favorite movie or book or even a favorite toy, find something that helps you center your thoughts on happy things. If anybody were to ask me why I have multiple versions of the 1980s Transformers toy Optimus Prime in various parts of my house, I would tell them that it’s because it brings me joy. That is something that I can look at even when I’m feeling down and be reminded of the joy Optimus has always brought to me.

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What works for me may not work for you, so perhaps it’s not various iterations of an ‘80s cartoon that helps you veer away from the edge of despair. Perhaps it’s an old sitcom, or maybe it’s pulling out your old GameBoy and booting up the very first Pokémon game you ever played. Maybe it’s going for a walk or taking some time at the beach with just yourself and a book.

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I could turn this whole piece into just a list of possible things that might bring you joy and help you move through the world with a little less weight on your shoulders, but even with a million pages of ideas, I still may not list what’s right for you. Only you know what may distract you from your personal abyss while you wrangle your way through a variety of dating apps and uncomfortable messages on Fetish focused websites.

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Another thing to remember is that you are not alone.

There’s No Need to Go It Alone

Get social. That doesn’t mean go to bars and pick up possible Dominants. That means leaving the search for for a Dom at home and spending some time with friends. Go to a movie, go camping, or maybe just get some ice cream and complain about how difficult it is to find a good partner who will meet all your needs: Somebody who will give the love and affection you deserve and the spankings and punishments you crave.

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Spending time with friends will help clear the doom and gloom that’s clogged your brain and help you see a little more clearly, which could be helpful when the Dominant of your dreams happens to be standing right in front of you and you may never had noticed if you’d been locked up in your own head wallowing in self-pity.

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Not only does spending time with friends help you feel less lonely, the social interaction will help reduce the stress around interacting with somebody new should you bump into an individual who strikes your fancy. Also, if you happen to be out with friends when that happens, then you have a support group standing ready to back you up and help you hit a home run.

Rounding it Out

For many of us, being alone isn’t easy. As an introvert who also craves contact, it wasn’t easy for me to find partners. I crave the intimacy of a small gathering, but that always made it more difficult to find a partner outside of my a friend group that was often already partnered up with each other in some configuration.

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What I can say is that it is quite likely that your future Dominant is in a similar situation and feeling just as lonely and out of sorts by not having a submissive in their life to meet their needs. Your paths will cross and sparks (and paddles) will fly, and you’ll wonder why you ever felt it was hopeless to begin with.

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Until then, stay strong. Find that joy in the small things and the company of others.

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It may feel monumental, but that just means when you find the right person, it will feel even more amazing.

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