So, you’ve discovered, or suspect, that you’re a submissive at heart and now you don’t know where to begin. While there are many resources on the internet, I’m actually glad that you’re here reading the words of a person instead of some AI created summary that hallucinates bad information.

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Full disclosure, I am not a submissive myself, so I have taken the time to talk to others, including my own submissive, about starting out in the space and what it was like coming to to realize and accept that aspect of themselves. If you’re reading this, you could be at any point in your submissive journey and hopefully still get something out of it, even if it’s just feeling seen and accepted.

Understanding Submission

Everybody is going to have their own experiences that will bring them to the realization that they are, at their core, submissive. This doesn’t mean that you are somehow less than or unworthy of true love. It doesn’t mean that you should give yourself to an abusive relationship because they say that it’s “just part of the dynamic.” Abuse is never part of the dynamic, despite what it may look like from the outside when the individual isn’t educated on what kink is.

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First and foremost, become very well versed in what kink is and isn’t. I can give you a good, solid overview here, but there are other resources out there in the world that can help you understand it on a far deeper level than my couple thousand words.

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Let’s start with what being a submissive isn’t. It isn’t being disrespected. It isn’t being verbally or mentally abused. It isn’t obeying any Dominant out there who says they’re Dominant. Your flavor of submission may involve being degraded, slapped, bruised, and even spit on, but anybody who is doing any of those things to you should be doing them to you with your full and enthusiastic consent.

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A submissive, like you, is a living, breathing person who has autonomy and rights to their body. You may choose to give those rights up for a period of time when playing, but you should only do that if you have a safe word or other signal that allows you to pull that autonomy back to yourself. You are deserving of respect and you should trust the people that you allow to have access to your body.

The Early Years

There is a common thread I found in talking with submissive individuals about their journey. My partner’s experience sums it up perfectly. “When I would play with my friends as a kid, I always volunteered to be the one who got tied up and had to be rescued – and then I would hope they wouldn’t rescue me.” She grew up and spend a good deal of time being a Shibari instructor.

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Similar stories abound where the submissive didn’t understand that aspect of themselves, but it most certainly shone through in an asexual nature beginning at a very early age.

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For some, it was very much the idea of bondage, but for others it was more subtle. Service subs I found tended to lean into people-pleasing when they were younger, and even into young-adulthood, not understanding that the drive behind that desire to please others came from a place of submission and often isn’t at all sexual. Those who lean into the service submissive group want to find ways to help others. Cooking for them, helping with homework, cleaning, or anything that provides a service of some kind to another individual or individuals.

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While it’s broad generalization, it is still pretty safe to say that a submissive will likely have had an experience while growing up that they can point to and say “this pretty much foreshadowed the type of submissive I’d become.”

Approaching the Scene

Listen, I’m not going to butter this up for you at all, there are folks who skirt around the edges of the kink scene and look for new submissives in order to take advantage of them. These are often the ones that claim that the abuse they’re inflicting is just being in a dynamic and if you can’t accept it, you need to get out of the scene. I said it earlier in this piece and I’ll say it again now: Abuse is never acceptable or okay. Anything that you allow to happen to your body should be agreed upon with set boundaries and safety protocols in place.

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All in all, those who are truly a part of the kink community tend to be friendly, welcoming, and incredibly kind, making absolutely certain that you’re still okay after smacking your ass with a paddle big enough to send a small car to the moon.

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The best way to approach the scene is to find a munch in your area. Munches are held weekly to monthly depending on your location and are a gathering of local kink-friendly people in your area. It’s a meetup for like-minded individuals to talk, share experiences, and often become educated on a kink-related topic. These are not, generally speaking, dating events or where you go to meet possible playmates (though, this is something that may happen once you get to know the group). Folks to attend the munches are often well known to each other, but don’t let that frighten you. I have never been to a much anywhere that I didn’t feel welcome.

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Considering the wide range of kinksters who attend munches, it is likely you will find somebody that you feel comfortable talking to and asking questions of.

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As you get more comfortable, you may find that you are interested pursuing play time, and if that’s the case, then we want to make sure that you’re as safe as you can be given the type of play.

Approaching Play

Kinky play, by its nature, is not what one would call safe. Think about jumping out of an airplane with a parachute. It’s not safe, per se, but you have a safety net of sorts to make it safer. So, like jumping out of planes, kink isn’t ever completely safe, but you can make safer. 

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Keeping this in mind, you want to approach any kind of play with safety and consent at the forefront of your negotiations. There are a few acronyms you can think about: RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual – the “safe” aspect here should  really be As Safe As Possible given the activity), PRICK (Personal Responsibility Informed Consent Kink), and CCCC (Caring, Communication, Consent, Caution). These all come down to saying the same thing: Be as safe as you can considering whatever activity you’re taking part in (spanking is safer than blood play, for example), make sure all parties are fully informed about what the activities will entail and have agreed to every aspect of the activity, and everybody is fully aware of the risks involved in the type of play being performed.

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Never be embarrassed to ask questions. It’s better to ask and get an answer than not ask and end up being scared. We were all beginners once upon a time and we all remember how terrifying it can be to ask a question. The goal of the kink community isn’t to scare you away, it’s to make certain that you have all the information you need to make a decision about the activities you want to take part in.

Taking Care of Yourself

We’ll end this here, talking about making certain that you take care of yourself. That means making sure you ask questions, step away from a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable before feeling as though you’re stuck in it. It’s okay if you’re interested in something and think you’re ready to try it, but then back out at the last minute. We’ve all been there (even Doms have backed out of a scene with a sub they thought they were ready for and realized they were not).

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Approach with curiosity. Ask lots and lots of questions. And, finally, if anybody tells you that a “true D/s relationship doesn’t need a safe word” then they don’t need your company or access to your body.

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The Obedience Community is a great place to go and ask questions. Our Discord is full of knowledgeable and friendly individuals who are more than willing to welcome you in and help you find your footing in the kink community.

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