Why Do We Like Extreme Kinks: Understanding Fear Play and CNC

written by Micah Brown

There’s a lot of noise and misinformation about Fear Play and CNC that floats around on the Internet. From the standpoint of somebody who doesn’t get aroused by these types of activities, it’s understandable to think that even the idea of them should be met with skepticism. After all, who would get turned on by the idea of being raped or being a rapist?

And there’s the primary issue right there. People think that for there to be any type of CNC, there must be some sort of non-consent happening. They can’t imagine that somebody would want to “play” the victim, and therefore they must not really want to be experiencing those actions, and that the attacker must secretly want to sexually assault people.

Scene Negotiation: Setting Boundaries and Safe Words

While we’ve talked about this before, I think it’s worth repeating here that before a CNC scene takes place, there is LOTS of negotiation between the parties who will be involved in the scene. This means a complete breakdown of what is and is not allowed during the scene as well as how safe words will be employed should they become necessary.

As an example, we will take Mary and Joe who both want to explore a CNC scene with each other. In order to create a scene where they are both comfortable, they will need to dicuss what can and cannot happen within the scope of the scene. Since this is the first scene they are attempting, it may not be as involved as it might be in the future.

It’s also important to remember that when negotiations are occurring the one with the most veto power is the “victim” in the scene. They have the ultimate say about what is and what is not allowed during the scene. The other part to remember about CNC, or any intense kink scene, is that any renegotiation cannot occur within the scene. No limit must be violated, even if the “victim” requests it in the middle of the scene.

All that said and done, this is what Mary and Joe have agreed to:

Safe Word: Stoplight Method

CNC in Action with Stoplight Method

Now, we have the scene in question beginning. Joe has grabbed Mary by the throat and called her a little slut that’s asking for it. Because this is their first scene like this, he then asks her if everything is “green light.”

She says it is, and the scene continues. As he is trying her up and has his hand around her throat, she then says, “Yellow light.” He releases the pressure on her throat and she says “green light.” 

Now, they’re getting deeper into the scene, and he’s penetrated her and slapped her lightly across the face, he’s degraded her and choked her all while she’s bound and begging him to stop doing these things to her. To any outsider, this is going to look like a non-consensual activity, but what’s happening between the two of them is a deep level of trust that ends in an incredible orgasm (or orgasms) and ear-to-ear smiles for the both of them.

What they both know is that the moment the words “Red Light” escape her lips, the entire scene stops. It’s not a pause, it’s not a back off and get back into it, it’s a hard stop. In any truly non-consensual situation, there is no ability to stop the attacker in this way. There is not sense of safety underneath the play. No sense of trust.

Why Do People Like CNC and Fear Play?

But then, the question remains why would anybody want to take part in this type of play? What would drive them to want to feel afraid while having rough sex, and why would somebody else want to cause fear while fucking another person?

For a long time, this sort of behavior, in fact any sort of kinky behavior, was seen as a psychological disorder. More recent research and studies have concluded that those who practice kinky behaviors are not sexually deviant. In fact, the DSM-5 states explicitly that those who practice in kink and BDSM are not deviant.

Other research has shown that those who practice kink and BDSM tend to have healthier, more openly communicative relationships, and a deeper sense of trust in their partner.

I spoke at length on some of this in my previous article about the psychology of CNC, but I’ll touch on it a little more here and dive deeper into some aspects of it at the same time; namely Fear Play.

While it sounds counter to what you may think, those who have experienced sexual assault may very well be interested in Consensual Non-Consent play. The primary driving force behind that interest and enjoyment is the ability to take control of the narrative. Now, you may believe this means they want to take the role of the attacker, but that’s not the case. Being able to take on the role of victim with rules and safety nets allows them to take back the control they lost. Others do take on the role of the attacker in these scenes for the same reason – wanting to take control back for themselves.

What about those people who are interested who have never experienced an assault themselves? Why would they be interested in being either the victim or the attacker?

If you boil it down, most of the time it comes down to wanting a feeling of control over your life, or wanting to feel as though you have no control and have no choices you have to make. For example, let’s take a look at the life of Alexis, who enjoys being a victim.

Alexis is a manager of several dozen people across a department that spans multiple time zones. Every second of her workday is scheduled, structured, and must be adhered to as carefully as possible. There are times when she desperately needs to let go of all her decision-making and just turn off her brain, but she can’t do that in a “normal” way, so she plays CNC games with her partner.

On the other side of the coin you may have somebody who has very little control in various parts of their life and wants somewhere they can be in control, even if it’s just a fantasy.

Now, these sorts of people still doesn’t cover all of it.

CNC and Fear Play as Controlled Horror: Why It’s Fun

Why do people like horror movies and scary books? Why do people go on haunted hayrides and visit haunted houses during Spooky Season? Because being afraid is fun, and in all those cases, you get to be afraid in a safe space.

Do you think that the person chasing you through the corn maze with a fake chainsaw wants to actually murder you?

Did you ever jump out and frighten somebody just for the thrill of it?

All those basic things are incorporated into CNC play. It’s safe, it’s negotiated, and the primary descriptor of it is consensual.

It can be fun, it can be frightening, but it is always meant to be safe.

Am I saying that every time there’s consensual non-consent, it’s safe and nothing could go wrong? Not at all. That’s why it needs to be discussed, negotiated, and never entered into while under the influence of anything stronger than your imagination.

When it comes to things going wrong in a CNC scene, they can go very wrong and go from being CNC to NC really fast.

Remember, it’s not some kinky story where the victim says the safe word, but then it’s hot if you push them by not listening to them use their safe word. If they use their safe word, then you pay attention and follow the rules for what happens when it is used. If you’re using gags, then a safe word isn’t enough because they can’t speak it. In this case, you may have them hum a specific series of notes or hold something in their hand that will make a loud noise if they drop it. Get creative, but make it something simple.

It's like an interactive horror movie – it’s safe, but that doesn’t mean it’s not scary.