Can You Be Kinky Without Dom/Sub Dynamics? A Guide to Non-Hierarchical Kink

written by Micah Brown

Kink comes in many flavors and many different dynamics. We’ve talked at length about power exchange, Master/Mistress and slaves, and what it means to be a switch, but what about kink relationships that have no power exchange aspect to the dynamic at all? How does it work? Can it work? What does it look like in practice?

What Types of Kink Don't Involve Power Exchange?

The first thing you have realize is that many aspects of kink are agnostic to any kind of power exchange. We assign the idea of Dominant and submissive to these activities because that’s how it stereotypically is setup. We use words like “Top” and “bottom” to describe the roles in various activities, but those labels don’t always mean “Dominant” and “submissive.”

For example, an impact bottom is somebody who enjoys being hit with objects, possibly spanked, and otherwise have their body “impacted” with various implements. That doesn’t mean that this individual is the submissive of their Top, it just means they like the sensation of being hit and bruised. This sort of individual does tend to lean into a submissive role because punishments may be wrapped up in impact of various sorts, which meets their need, but it’s not a requirement.

In fact, there are people who do impact play professionally and people will pay to go see them and have their bodies impacted. There is no Dominant or submissive in these exchanges – merely the impact Top and the impact bottom – and that really just means the one who likes to hit and the one who likes to be hit.

While a person who offers impact on a professional level may also offer Dominant services, they are not one in the same. In fact, the negotiation piece of this sort of play will explicitly go over any Dominant and submissive play during a session and it’s very common for there to be none of that.

Is Kink Without Power Exchange Just Vanilla?

I don’t think that “vanilla” should ever be considered a derogatory term. It’s a fine word that just describes people who are perfectly happy having relationships that do not involve kink. If you need to think of it in terms of kink, it’s a specifically a kink for not having any kinks. I often find myself thinking about how easy many vanilla people have it when they don’t have to do all the ritual and play in order to have sex or even just exist. But in the same way that we won’t kink shame somebody for their kinks, we won’t shame anybody for their lack of kinks either.

Does being in a kinky or BDSM relationship without any power exchange just make you vanilla? No, because, at least from the opinion of this writer, being vanilla pretty much means a complete lack of kinky acitvity in your sexual encounters and your relationship dynamics (and yes, all relationships have a dynamic, but not all dynamics are kinky).

A couple who enjoys kinky sex and kinky play may enjoy it without the wrapper of power exchange. For example, two individuals who both enjoy impact play could partake in a scene where both of them are actively providing impact to the other. It’s not for punishment or to teach a lesson or for any kind of roleplay purpose, it’s simply that they both enjoy getting hit with objects and that is what turns them on.

Kink Roleplay Without Dominance or Submission

Kink roleplay often comes with a side of power exchange – or maybe it’s that power exchange sometimes comes with a side of roleplay… Whatever direction it goes, it’s a way to get creative with the power exchange aspect of kink.

For those who do not care about the power exchange aspect of kink, this opens up a whole new layer for roleplaying in which all parties in the scene are treated as equals. This could be a seduction scene between strangers or a pick-up scene. Several years ago on the west coast I had two friends who were not into power exchange, but loved a good pickup scene and would play it out in a bar where others could witness the scene. They weren’t making out on the table or shoving their hands up skirts or down pants, but they enjoyed the flirting and the cat and mouse and loved the fact that it always made them feel as though they were meeting all over again.

They also loved kinky sex without the idea of power exchange. He liked stingy pain and welts, she liked thuddy pain and bruises, but neither of them ever wanted to take part in any kind of power exchange and that’s perfectly okay. If you’re kinky but not into power exchange, then you keep doing you and find somebody who feels the same way.

Switching vs. Non-Power Exchange: What's the Difference?

Switching is when the people in a dynamic will switch their role between submissive or Dominant depending on their partner’s wants or needs. It is not to be thought of in the same way as a kinky relationship in which there is no power exchange because, in this case, the power exchange is happening but it may change based on how the participants are feeling at the time.

Again, a non-hierarchical kinky relationship doesn’t make power exchange the front and center of their dynamic and may avoid the idea of it all together.

That doesn’t mean that the occasional roleplay involving power play doesn’t happen in a non-power exchange dynamic, it just means that’s not the important part of the relationship for those involved.

Dropping the Dom/Sub Assumption: Tops, Bottoms, and What They Actually Mean

There are many more dynamics that aren’t part of a power exchange than you may believe. When we hear the word “top” and “bottom” we immediately think hierarchy. The Top must be the Dom and the bottom must be the sub, but that’s not always the case. A rope bottom isn’t necessarily submissive, they just like the feeling of being tied in intricate ways. A needle or sharps bottom isn’t always going to be submissive, they just enjoy the feeling of piercings and/or cuttings. In either case, the bottom in these scenarios could very well be Dominants.

In a non-power exchange dynamic, there can still be the tops and bottoms of various kinks. You could have one partner who’s a rope top, but a sharps bottom while the other partner is the exact opposite. We need to drop our preconceptions and open our minds to the fact that not everything is as black and white as think.

You Don't Need Power Exchange to Be Kinky And That's Perfectly Valid

Not everybody who is kinky needs to experience a power exchange dynamic. We have to remember that just because somebody likes to be spanked doesn’t make them submissive or Dominant. It just means they like having their ass beat with various objects. Not everybody requires a leash and a collar to feel fulfilled in their kink journey, and there is nothing wrong with that in the least.

If you have questions about what a dynamic looks like to you, and you feel there is a polite way to broach the topic, then ask the people involved in the dynamic. Just remember, how they relate within their own relationship has nothing at all to do with how you relate within yours.