What is a BDSM scene? Ideas and prompts to create your own
written by Maja Metera
What comes to your mind when you think “sex”?
Especially if you grew up with access to Western media and ideas - there is a good chance that your automatic thought is a physical act of “penis-in-vagina” penetration. You kiss, add some touching, a blowjob and finish when the penis-owner reaches orgasm. And it is okay that this is the initial idea - it is a result of a phenomenon called “sexual script”. Let me tell you a bit more about how it impacts our sexual well-being and how everyone could take a page from the BDSM scene rulebook.
Sexual scripts without academic jargon
Sexual scripts are a set of socially constructed guidelines for sexual behavior and encounters. On the one hand, they let us know what is appropriate in specific situations based on shared beliefs within a particular social group or, more generally, in society as a whole. Through conditional learning from conversations, media (especially mainstream pornography and romance text) and being immersed in a world filled with sexual norms - we observe, learn and internalize those ideas.
On the other hand, sexual scripts provide us with gendered roles to enact and a step-by-step guide to how sex should look like. With time, they become instinctual and difficult to break.
Harmful results of sexual scripts
The idea behind the sexual script theory by sociologists John H. Gagnon and William Simon was to help understand modern persons’ sexual behavior in the social context. However, it also shined light on issues that come with such widely spread guidelines.
First of all, despite sexual minorities such as the LGBTQIA+ community gaining more visibility in our world, the concept of sex as understood by the majority is very penis-centric. Not only do we focus on, especially the first, encounters during which a penis enters a vagina attaching more value to them than to moments of physical intimacy which do not involve penetration - we also often concentrate on the pleasure of the penis-owner. Foreplay includes extensive fellatio (blowjobs) and we accept that the end of sex comes when ejaculation takes place
As from 70 to 90% of people assigned female at birth cannot reach an orgasm through vaginal penetration* combined with the fact that typically it takes more time for a vulva-owner to come, this approach leads to issues such as the orgasm gap. According to a study conducted by Durex found that 95% of heterosexual people assigned male at birth (AMABs) orgasm always during sex with a partner - compared to 65% of the respective group of AFABs, being the lowest scoring group in the study**.
Moreover, it indicates that sex needs to end with an orgasm of at least one of the parties and leaves out and invalidates the sexual experiences of lesbian and queer people having sex only with vulva-owners as well as of those with medical conditions such as vaginismus which prevent them from engaging in penetrative sex or anorgasmia making a person unable to reach climax.
If that wasn’t enough of a problem impacting the experiences of millions of people, because we are so sure that the person we want to have sex with has the same ideas about the encounter - it is very easy to cross boundaries and difficult to speak up when something doesn’t feel right due to the fear of rejection. Lastly, as it is socially acceptable to have that intimate moment, get dressed and leave - it can leave participants feeling unsafe, abandoned and lacking closure. In most extreme cases, it can take a form of postcoital dysphoria - a condition characterized by feelings of depression and self-loathing following sexual intercourse***
BDSM to the rescue
BDSM scenes are not a magic cure free from sexual scripts, don’t get me wrong. They also follow a structure based on a common understanding among a social group consisting of kinksters. Nonetheless, it allows for more expressive freedom and interpretation of behavior within that frame making me think that if the kinky mindset was more widely applied, it would help solve issues created by the mainstream sexual script that I described above.
To begin with, BDSM redefines intimate encounters. What I mean by that is that it focuses on “scenes” as the increment of intimate interaction. A scene does not have to even be considered sexual in the mainstream understanding - you can be fully clothed and don’t have to touch genitals or other typical erogenous zones such as nipples to participate. A scene is an organized canvas that you are free to fill up in any way you are comfortable with. It takes away the expectation that penis-in-vagina sex and orgasm are necessary for your experience to matter leaving space for queerness, boundaries and bodily limitations.
Additionally, thanks to the elements of the canvas which I will describe in the following section of this article - it gives permission to object to specific acts, provides an agreed-upon way out of the situation and ensures that the experience is a complete process that includes a moment of closure and easing back into the reality of an outside world. So what specifically makes the BDSM guidelines that much better than the mainstream sexual script?
What makes a good BDSM scene?
Negotiations
Before any actions are taken, the participants - however many are there - should be on the same page. As it is not assumed that each of them has the same expectations - this step requires a moment of verbal communication about what is going to happen.
Depending on the stage of your relationship with your partner(s) and how well you know them - it can take various forms. The initial conversation should include getting to know their hard and soft limits - what they are and are not willing to engage in. This moment - like the whole scene - should be free of judgement. You can use one of many templates for discussing limits that are out there to explore what you personally are comfortable with and to what degree. Are there things that you need in order to have a good, fun scene? For example, if you like the idea of bondage in general - you might want to consider whether there are specific elements of it that you will not enjoy as much or at all. Do you want it to be decorative or practical? Are you okay being bound in tortuous positions? Suspended?
You do not need to share all details of your boundaries in the initial conversation as it can be overwhelming and difficult to remember them all. Having shared your boundaries in broad strokes at the begining, it is better to bring the individual ones when they are applicable. This highlights the fact that negotiations are ongoing and should take place in some form before most, if not all scenes - it does not matter if you have known the person for a day, a year or your whole adult life.
Once you have covered the general rules for the encounter, it is good to talk about past experiences (those you did and didn’t like) and contextual medical conditions. To follow in the example with bondage - if you have a issues with your joints, you might need to leave out positions that will put too much strain on them such as the frog tie (tying the ankle to the thigh). This ensures your safety and shows that you have done your research about the things you would like to do. It can also give you an opportunity to find out more about your partners’ experience.
At the end of the negotiation - no matter if you have done a similar scene before, make sure to check in and ask your partner how they are feeling on the day as their experience and things such as pain tolerance can differ from day-to-day or depending on the moment of their cycle if they menstruate.
Dos and don’ts during a scene
You got through the talking and you cannot wait to start the doing. But don’t be fooled - the communication does not stop the moment you click the start button.
Throughout the scene, firstly pay close attention to your partners’ body language and bodily reactions - it gets easier every time you play with those people, trust me. If they are flinching before enduring impact - do they give you any other signs that something is not going the way it is supposed to? Did they suddenly stop having any response to what you are doing? It is probably a good sign to verbally check in with them. But don’t you worry - you don’t have to immediately get out the pleasant headspace that you are in.
On the wave of the “make consent sexy” trend - you can use easy lines such as “Do you like that?” or “Why don’t you show me how much you want it?”. Most of them are inherently Dom(me) coded as it is especially important that the Dominant frequently checks in with their submissive. They have more authority and opportunities to ensure ongoing consent. However, as a sub - you can help them out by actively showing your enthusiasm with moans and encouraging phrases like “I love when you do that, [use your agreed upon means of address]” or asking for permission to perform activities e.g. “Would you like me to [insert activity here]?”
Being vocal about what feels good helps in moments when something doesn’t. You should aim to make it as easy to speak up as possible. With the use of verbal (e.g. traffic lights system) and non-verbal (e.g. tapping 3 times) safewords, you create a safe and straightforward way for the participants to withdraw their consent entirely, and ask for a change or a break. This way, nobody gets hurt - at least not in an unpleasant way.
Beauty of aftercare
You had fun. Time to slowly come back to the vanilla world. To prevent so-called sub or Dom(me) drop - feeling dirty, lesser of a person or like you did something bad, ask your partner what helps them in this moment. There is no person on this planet that does not require aftercare post-scene.
Aftercare can take as many forms as there are kinksters - it can be sensual physical contact like cuddling and forehead kisses, it can be praise or scans and funny cat videos. You might also need space, peace and quiet. Do what works for you but make sure that the needs of everyone are met - do not leave your play partners hanging in the post-scene emotions without closure.
Aftercare can be a great moment to debrief about what just happened if everyone is comfortable and ready to talk about it or process the events out loud. You can ask questions that popped into your mind during a scene - what felt best, what could have been better, what should be added or left out next time if you are planning on playing together again. If you had to pause for a moment, what exactly happened?
BDSM journey is a never-ending learning process - but it helps you learn from your mistakes and actions. Undoubtedly, even if you play together once - debriefing works towards gaining more understanding of yourself and making the experience better for the next person. You are basically making the sexual world a better place for yourself and others - everybody wins.
Moral of the story
So what can vanilla people learn from kink? It is all about enjoying the process and open, honest and ongoing communication without assuming you know exactly what the other person wants on any given day.
All of the elements described above can be tailored to your specific situation and needs. You can make them as formal or informal and entertaining as you please. You don’t have to sit down with an Excel spreadsheet to discuss limits - you can flirt or sext. You don’t have to dirty talk to ensure consent if you pay attention to the body and have safewords in place. You can make sex your own - and that is how it should be, isn’t it?
Sources:
*Thompson, D., & Healthday Reporter. (2016, April 21). Anatomy may be key to female orgasm. Medicalxpress.com; Medical Xpress. https://medicalxpress.com/news/2016-04-anatomy-key-female-orgasm.html
**Broster, A. (2023, September 12). What Is The Orgasm Gap? Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicebroster/2020/07/31/what-is-the-orgasm-gap/
*** Sachdeva, N., Suresh, V., Mohd Zeeshan, Balakrishnan Kamaraj, & Abbas, M. (2022). A Case Report of Postcoital Dysphoria: A Paradoxical Melancholy. Cureus. https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.30746
