When the Rules No Longer Work: Refreshing Your Kink After Burnout
written by Micah Brown
Life does not always go the way we want it to and there are times when it seems to actively be doing its best to undermine everything we’re trying to build. When the burdens of life outside of a dynamic begin to put pressure on those within the dynamic, burnout can follow soon after. It’s important to remember that burnout itself is not the result of the dynamic, though it is possible that some aspects of the dynamic may add to the burnout.
When the stresses of life pile up, it is often the kink aspect of a relationship that can suffer. Things can fall to the wayside and the activities that used to define your dynamic vanish from your routine and suddenly you find yourselves looking in the mirror at individuals who have become more vanilla than kinky. Finding your way back to kink may feel daunting. If you have children, it becomes harder to take part in some of the aspects of kink that become familiar to you over the time you’d been together. No longer can your submissive kneel on the floor naked before you and give your genitals the full attention of their lips while you watch horror movies.
Instead, it may feel as though you barely have time to watch horror movies let alone put your lips on each others genitals. Tying somebody up or beating their ass black and blue becomes something that can only happen on the rare occasion that you are able to get a night to yourselves, but even though that’s the first thing you want to do, the temptation of a quiet night in front of the television may win out over any kinky activities.
The other potential issue is that your particular kink has hit a wall and feels more and more like a chore to go through the same routine again and again.
When Burnout Affects Your D/s Dynamic
We cannot be expected to be kinky all day every day. We have to go out into the world and live lives where we don’t discuss the things that turn us on while we’re at the water cooler at work. It’s unlikely Steve from accounting really wants to hear about the anal torture you gave your partner the night before.
What may seem counterintuitive is that finding ways to bring kink into your every day lives can help make certain that one those occasions you can take part in kinky activities, you are more likely to do so. So, how can we bring kink back?
We’re going to look at this from the standpoint of a Dominant and a submissive who have found themselves unable to get back to the place they want to be in their dynamic. Kids, school, and work has taken over their lives and they no longer feel as though they have anything at all to offer the other that they have’t done several times already.
Everybody in the dynamic needs to sit down and spend time writing out what they are hoping for within the dynamic. They should then all get together and talk about what each member of the dynamic feels is missing, what needs improvement, and what they need from the dynamic to begin to feel fulfilled again.
How to Reconnect by Bringing Kink Into Daily Life
As mentioned above, the idea of adding some kink into daily life can be a good stepping stone to getting back to where you want to be. Now, I’m not talking about have your submissive give you a blowjob under the table at the restaurant (I mean, I’m also not telling you not to do that), but finding ways of incorporating ways so that the Dom and sub feel as though their side of the dynamic is being fulfilled.
Giving a submissive daily chores is one way to help increase the sense of dynamic even when there isn’t one available to be had. Maybe they had daily chores in the past, but you don’t want these to be the normal daily chores. Find chores and tasks that can be made into a sense of being submissive toward you during the course of the day. If you are very sexual in your D/s relationship, find ways to make them feel that sensuality in the tasks you assign. Make them send you a nude photo every morning. Make it so you have to approve their underwear choices on a daily basis, and even approve their outfit before they leave the house.
Depending on your situation, you can order them to edge themselves a certain number of times during the day to help get their blood pumping and work on keeping themselves aroused. Instruct them to send you a message after each time they edge. If it’s possible, you could even have them send you little videos of themselves edging to help get your blood pumping and ready to find some space for sexy-times later in the day.
If your submissive managing domestic chores at home, make a rule that they must do their chores naked.
If your submissive does’t have a collar, get one for them. The simple act of wearing a collar can help a submissive really feel connected to their Dom and the dynamic as a whole. If they bring you a snack or a drink, have them kneel in front of you to present you with what they’ve brought and then have them wait until they are dismissed before they can get along with their days.
Setup a specific checkin time for them to contact you during the day and give you a report on how their day is progressing for them.
At night, have them kneel before you recite affirmations before going to bed. Make those affirmations focus on their life as your submissive.
Reaffirm the Dynamic
This is actually something you can do every six to twelve months and may help keep the dynamic feeling fresh. My partner and I use a contract together that we went through and agreed on point by point. While some may think that a contract, even a slave contract, means that there doesn’t have to be any more discussion about the dynamic, that’s simply not true. Life can happen and get in the way and having a scheduled time to sit down and go over the contract periodically is a great way to refresh and reaffirm.
Maybe the idea of bruising was strictly off the table five years ago, but now that time has passed, it’s begun to have some appeal to it. Or perhaps something you enjoyed for a long time isn’t something you enjoy any more and you may want to turn that into a limit for yourself.
It’s fun to renegotiate the contract and help it grow and flex around us as we also grow and change. Who any of us were five years ago has completely changed and our contracts and dynamics should reflect and enhance who we are and the journey we are on.
Make any renegotiations an event. Book an expensive restaurant and talk over the points of the contract that you both want changed. Take the time to listen to each other and see where the common ground is. Most of the time you’ll find you’re on a similar path and that it won’t be difficult to get to a point that works out for both of you.
I know separating out the rules from the entirety of the contract may seem a little overkill, but I think that taking a deep dive into the rules and expectations for both the Dom and sub in a relationship will help you to better understand each other and build a better future for you and your dynamic.
Make Time for Kink
As we get older, the very idea of spontaneity becomes seemingly laughable. Life has too many responsibilities for anything to be really spontaneous so it’s important that we take the time to schedule the things we want to do. Whether it’s go on vacation, or make time for an intense scene, we need to accept the fact that we can’t decide at 2am it’s time to do a four hour super intense scene.
Plan your play. Plan sex dates. Consider having your playdate and/or sex before you go out for your dinner and movie so that you’re not coming home after your evening out and feeling too tired to fuck or play.
Check in every week about how things are going. This does’t have to be like the every 6 to 12 month deep dive checkin or renegotiation, but it should be more than a cursory check of how each of you are.
There is still plenty of fun to have without being spontaneous.
Winding Down
We are all struggling in some way or another to find time to fit in all the things we want to do. Let’s not forget that our dynamic and our partners are important parts of our lives that deserve our attention. Your dynamic can be as source of comfort, a warm blanket of expectation and knowledge that you have somebody in your life you trust that deeply and who trusts you right back.
The fact that those who are kinky love so hard and so deep is not at all surprising. We long for sensation and experience and when we are kinky with those whom we love, the sensation and the experience is heightened that much more.
