written by Micah Brown

There are many different Dominant styles out there. Soft Doms, Daddy/Mommy Doms, Hard Doms, Pleasure Doms… The list could go on for pages, and that’s not including hybrids like Pleasure Daddy Doms.

Finding the type of Dom you are may take some experimentation, some reading, some conversation, and perhaps even looking at some various types of kinky porn. It is important to realize that the type of Dom you want to be may not be the type of Dom you’re going to end up being – but when you take the time to figure it out, the Dom you will become will feel like exactly the type of Dom you were meant to be.

What Turns You On?

The first thing I’ll say here is that not every Dom is going to be of a sexual variety. While there is certainly a stereotype of Doms being highly sexualized, there are Doms out there who are asexual and just as kinky as the sexual ones. If you are somebody who is not aroused sexually by the idea of being a Dominant, but you do feel a draw to it and a tickle in the back of your head at the idea of it, then that’s just as valid as somebody who gets very turned on at the idea of it.

That being said, let’s begin with those folks who are sexual and want sex to be a part of their dynamic.

Exploring the dominant part of yourself can actually be a little frightening. Admitting to yourself that you enjoy causing your partner pain can be a shock to the system, but you need to remember that you get enjoyment out of it because your partner enjoys being hurt.

So, when you have kinky thoughts, what turns you on? It could be one of these items below or it could be something not listed. I’m just trying to get your brain revved up a little.

Spanking your submissive
Whipping your submissive
Choking your submissive
Choosing what your submissive wears
Making lists and rules for your submissive
Punishing your submissive
Roleplaying different ages with your submissive
Roleplaying “forced” scenes with your submissive
Making your submissive orgasm
Controlling whether or not your submissive is allowed to orgasm
Watching your submissive get used by others
Degrading your submissive during a scene
Forcing your submissive to Orgasm repeatedly
Having “Free Use” of your submissive
Using knives and needles on your submissive
Leaving marks on your submissive
Being loving and caring toward your submissive who sometimes acts much younger than they are

This list could continue on, but likely something here caught your eye or made you think of something that does get your gears cranking.

Something else that could be helpful is looking at your porn history. Whether you prefer to read your smut or watch your smut, it’s quite likely that the porn that gets you aroused may be informative toward what kind of Dominant you want to be.

What Is Your Perfect Dom/sub Fantasy?

Do you imagine having a stay-at-home submissive who hangs on your every word, kneels for you, allows free use of their body whenever you want to use it, and desires nothing more than to serve you and make you happy? You’re likely a Master looking for a slave.

Maybe you imagine having a little pet of a submissive. Cute and snuggly most of the time, but if they’re bad they go in their crate. Most likely, you’re a Pet Owner looking for a pet to call your own.

Perhaps you enjoy tying your submissives down, edging them until they beg to orgasm, and then making them orgasm until they’re begging you to stop making them orgasm. This would put you in the realm of a pleasure Dom.

Take a moment, close your eyes, and think about your own scenario. Maybe you want to be a Master who is a Pleasure Dom. Maybe you want to be a sadistic Pet Owner and make them whimper and cry when you play.

Imagine all the possibilities that have been laid out before, and then imagine how they fit into being a dominant. Do you enjoy punishing with pain? Do you want your submissive to get pleasure from their pain?

Do you want to be able to pass your submissive around to your friends so they can use them as well, or maybe use your submissive as a party favor – free to fuck for any guest who wants to.

There are so many possibilities I’ve gone and made my own head spin and will likely go wake up my free use slave when I'm done writing this and make some good use of her.

What Appeals To you?

Whether you’re asexual or highly sexual, not everything in a dynamic is about sex. While your sexual desires are important, if you’re a sexual person, you also want to look beyond the sexual and into what you want life to look like outside of sexual activity and sexual use.

The idea of a stay-at-home submissive who takes care of the household is often referred to in the scene as a 1950s style domestic dynamic. In this, the submissive would be in charge of keeping the house organized and clean, making meals, and taking care of their spouse when they returned home from work. Think the classic 1950s housewife (though we are modern here and know that it could be a househusband in this day and age).

Maybe you enjoy some age play but want to move that beyond the confines of the bedroom and have a partner who enjoys “little” time with coloring books and cartoons and other things that are generally enjoyed by younger generations. As a note, age play is play between two adults who have agreed to roleplay different ages than they are.

Mixing it Together

Now you have the things that turn you on and the things that appeal to you in a non-sexual way. This will help you determine the path you want to take as a Dominant. It is possible to be a Master style Dom who is also a pet owner or a slave owner. Maybe you’re a Pleasure Dom who is also interested in the 1950s domestic lifestyle. How do you mix those together into the perfect dynamic?

Finding that balance isn’t going to be easy. It’s going to take time and energy to find a partner who is interested in the same sorts of things you are, and even then you’ll be negotiating things that don’t fit as perfectly. My slave and I, while very compatible, still have differences in our desires and that’s okay. Just make sure that if you have any deal-breakers in your closet you hold fast to those and don’t decide that you can live without it.

Don’t stifle yourself for somebody else. Even if you don’t agree on everything you want from the dynamic, the fact that you found somebody who you click with is going to be the most important part of it.

Maybe they don’t like anal, but they enjoy 99% of everything else you enjoy, and you complement each other’s desires in that way. Unless anal is a dealbreaker for you, that’s something you may let go of for the right person.

Don’t Be Too Strict With Labels

What I’m trying to say here is that you may be a Master who owns a slave, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not also something else as well. Yes, you can imagine that a 1950s domestic style would work well with a Master/slave dynamic – but so would a the 1950s and a Mommy/Daddy Dom dynamic.

You are not meant to be just one thing. Let who you are as a Dom evolve, change, and grow. Don’t try to keep who you are as a Dom in a timeless box that never changes. Become the Dom you want to be, then grow into the Dom you were meant to be, and then realize that you’re going to keep changing and evolving as the years go by.

Most importantly, go and be the best Dom you can be.