written by Micah Brown

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There is a deep misunderstanding in the general public when it comes to sadomasochism. For many, it is simply seen as either abuse or permission to abuse somebody else. While existing as a masochist certainly can attract those types of people, it’s important to remember that those who exist within kink approach the practice ethically. I cannot claim that they approach the topic in such a fashion that they claim to do no harm, for that is counter to what much of sadomasochism is, but instead, I’ll say that practitioners do no unintentional or non-consensual harm.

When you see a bottom walk out of a session covered in welts, bruises, and tear stains, it is understandable that those who do not take part in kink would see the results of an abused human who gave themselves willingly to an abuser for the sake of being harmed. It’s understandable that somebody who doesn’t know what’s going on would see it that way. If people walked into a play session with my partner and I, they might think I was doing her egregious harm.

So, what does it mean to be ethical when you’re either whipping another human or being whipped by another human to the point of tears?

Let’s talk about that.

Scene Negotiation: What Happens Before a Sadomasochism Scene

When a sadist walks into a room with a masochist, and the intent is to cause them harm, what people on the outside don’t see is the negotiation that occurred before they went into that room. A heavy scene involving sadomasochism isn’t a “fly by the seat of your pants” kind of thing. The activities and methods of pain will be carefully discussed by those who are involved in the scene. Safe words will be chosen, and implements will be approved or disapproved. Safety measures will be discussed and agreed upon.

Walking into that space isn’t walking into chaos - it’s walking into a carefully curated symphony of pain and pleasure.

When we talk about negotiation, we really mean exactly that. Any scene, whether it involves sadomasochism or not, must be carefully negotiated and agreed to before it starts. During these negotiations, the submissive absolutely has every right to veto anything the Dominant may want to do. At the same time, the Dominant can veto anything the submissive may want to have done to them.

For example, the Dominant may want to flog the genitals of the submissive with a riding crop, but the submissive isn’t into that type of pain. On the flip side, the submissive may want the Dominant to use a bullwhip and leave severe welts on their back, but the Dominant isn’t comfortable making use of a bullwhip. In this case, both could veto the other’s desired play.

Instead of simply stopping there, they could try to come up with similar activities that would yield the desired results for each other.

The Dominant could offer that instead of a bullwhip, they use a single-tail flail that leaves deep welts. This provides the stingy sensation the submissive wants and allows the Dominant to use a tool they are familiar and comfortable with. The submissive, on the other hand, offers the dominant the use of clamps on their genitals and the riding crop on their nipples and face. This gives the Dominant the genital torture they desire in addition to the slappy sound of the riding cop on the skin and the knowledge of the sting from that.

There will also be times when a Dominant and submissive cannot come to an agreement on things, in which case would mean there would be no scene between them, and that is a perfectly acceptable outcome.

When you enter into negotiations, do not allow the other person to try to pressure you into something you’re not comfortable with. Whether it’s a tool you’re unfamiliar with or an action that is frightening in a bad way, holding your boundaries is important. You don’t want to end up accidentally hurting somebody because they asked you to use a tool you don’t know how to use or end up getting hurt because you are unfamiliar with a technique.

While there are absolutely times to experiment with new toys and new techniques, a scene isn’t one of those times.

How Can Harm Be Ethical? Consent and Intentional Pain in S&M

I know just how fucked up that sounds. How can harm be ethical? Well, to use a rather terrible analogy, the Hippocratic oath states “Do No Harm” and yet, any time a doctor cuts into you to perform surgery, they are performing serious harm to your body. Sadomasochism isn’t anything like surgery (most of the time), but the harm the sadist causes is desired by the masochist. It is not a situation in which the one being harmed is harmed against their will.

As we have already discussed, anything that happens within the scene has been discussed before the scene ever started. The harm being caused to the masochist is harm that the masochist wants to receive. It is because of that agreement that the harm a sadist is causing remains ethical so long as they remain within the boundaries that were agreed to. Whether it’s a light spanking with a paddle, or a serious impact with a vampire flogger that leaves bloody welts on the masochist, nothing has happened in that space that wasn’t discussed and agreed to ahead of time.

I cannot speak for all masochists, but those I have talked to have a similar through line in their desire for harm. First, there’s the crossover between pleasure and pain. Many masochists just love the sensation of being hurt and get pleasure from it. Then there’s the emotional release that can come from receiving pain. For many, this is a time when they are able to unlock the stress, anxiety, and depression that may have been building up inside them as they carry on in everyday life. The pain becomes the excuse for their body to have the catharsis they need to release those negative emotions and find inner balance again. Either way, the sadist is providing the masochist with what they need and desire.

On the other side of the whip, so to speak, we have the sadist who is there to cause the harm. While they may get enjoyment from causing pain, that enjoyment stems from knowing their partner gets enjoyment from it. In addition, sadists can use these scenes to release their own frustrations and emotions in a controlled and agreed-upon way. In this way, the masochist and the sadist are feeding off each other and helping each other manage their own feelings and emotions.

Sadists report feeling more clear-headed after a good scene, focusing more fully, and being more present in their lives. They also state that their stress levels have dropped significantly and that they have more energy over all.

Aftercare in Sadomasochism: Why It Matters for Both Sadists and Masochists

A big part of any scene is actually what happens after the scene has concluded. Both the sadist and the masochist are going to require some kind of aftercare to come down from the endorphins of the scene. It’s important that the masochist is reassured and pampered as they come down from the flood of brain chemicals because it helps to reduce the risk and/or effect of the drop. The sadist will need some time as well to let their mind settle and let the buzzy excitement of what had just happened fade.

Often, the sadist and the masochist can provide each other with aftercare in different ways. Generally speaking, aftercare for a sadist and aftercare for a masochist are going to look different, which is good because it means they can focus on each other. For the masochist, they need to recover physically and mentally from their ordeal. For the sadist, they need to be able to let their brains come down and remain focused on other tasks - like taking care of their masochist and providing them with what they need.

Both the masochist and the sadist should share words of encouragement with each other and spend close time together in order to strengthen the bond between them. Even if your sadomasochistic partner isn’t a primary partner, the bond that forms between you will be stronger than most. A huge amount of trust is present between a sadist and a masochist simply because of the nature of the activities they are partaking in.

The Bottom Line: What Ethical Sadomasochism Really Looks Like

I’ve said it before, but it’s still true. Anybody who views a sadomasochistic scene or relationship without full knowledge of what’s happening likely sees abuse. What’s really going on is a carefully orchestrated scene that provides both the sadist and the masochist enjoyment. Remember, not everybody loves pain, but those who do don’t shy away from it.

An ethical sadomasochistic scene is one in which everyone has agreed on what’s being used and what’s going to happen within the scene. It’s an agreement between two consenting adults that results in a feeling of fulfillment for everybody involved.

Remember to have fun, be safe, and do no (unintentional or non-consensual) harm.