What is a Dom/sub dynamic within BDSM?
When we think of BDSM, we tend to think of the stereotypical leather, chains, and a woman saying “yes, master” to an equally leather-clad, dominating man. But the reality is BDSM, and Dom/sub relationships are much more dynamic than that. No matter your gender, sexuality, or preferences, there is a Dom/sub relationship for you to explore.
The mainstream BDSM imagery is filled with whips, chains, and bondage or even the S/M aspect of the acronym, sadomasochism. Although these are a huge part of the BDSM world, by focusing on D/s (Dominant/submissive), we can understand how the relationships within the BDSM community are formed, the roles each partner can play, and the different ways these dynamics can form. Helping us to form lasting, healthy, and trusting relationships as we explore kink, bondage, and, yes, even leather!
Whether you are just curious about the topic of Kink or looking to create a long-lasting, fulfilling BDSM relationship, understanding how Dom/sub relationships work and the role you wish to play is key to setting healthy boundaries and creating a dynamic that is fulfilling, kinky, and gives you and your partner(s) what you want.
Keep reading to learn more about what is a Dom/sub relationship and how to get started.
What is BDSM?: understanding essential vocabulary
BDSM is an acronym that stands for a specific range of erotic practices, including Bondage and discipline, Dominance and submission, and Sadism and masochism. The main focus of these practices includes power and control, but there is a whole world within the BDSM umbrella, ranging from soft practices to hardcore scenes.
The main focus of BDSM is to enjoy the subversion of power dynamics, flirting with the idea of taking or giving up control from one partner to another. What is important to understand is that there is no specific gender or sexuality dynamic needed to partake in BDSM, just an open mind and a willingness to explore what you like.
These are some of the most common types of BDSM practices that you can partake in are:
Bondage: this is the most common form of BDSM we think of and includes the use of whips, rope, chains, and other materials. Practices can range from soft play like spanking or hair pulling to more intense acts like piercing, cock and ball torture, and latex masks/choking.
Discipline: this is where the focus is on one partner or partner controlling another through disciplinary actions such as spanking, canning, and even orgasm denial to offer rewards for your submissive partner being good.
Domination: this is when a person, usually referred to as a dominant or Dom, enjoys controlling their submissive partner, either during a specific scene or as part of their long-term relationship. This can involve enjoying humiliating and using dirty talk, hitting them, and even controlling their orgasms.
Submission: a submissive is someone who enjoys giving up control of their partner, usually referred to as a sub or submissive. This can be anything from ceding control during a scene to enjoying receiving punishments and being on the receiving end of bondage practices. For others, you can enjoy being submissive as part of their lifestyle, which can also include being collared by their dominant partner.
Sadism: this is where one partner enjoys and gains sexual pleasure from hurting their partner, such as enjoying tying up and whipping their submissive during a scene or enjoying biting and scratching them during sex.
Masochism: this is the opposite of Sadism, where one partner takes pleasure from being hit or hurt. Play often looks like enjoying being spanked, wax play, knife play, and cock and ball torture.
In this article, we are focusing on just one part of the BDSM umbrella, which is how to partake in a Dominant/submissive (Dom/sub) relationship.
What is a Dom/Sub relationship: a guide for beginners
As mentioned above, within a Dom/sub relationship, the power dynamics focus on one side of the relationship, the Dom(me) controlling the actions of their submissive. This can be through verbal commands, physical punishments, or rewards and even tying them up or collaring them in certain instances. The main role of a D/s relationship is to explore the erotic power exchange between partners.
The role of a Dominant or Dom is to control how the scene plays out. The aim is to exert your control, consensually and safely, over your submissive. Your role is guiding, controlling, protecting, disciplining, rewarding, and ultimately leading your submissive through the scene. Ensure they follow the rules or instructions agreed upon before the scene.
The role of a submissive is to submit and cede the control to their Dom consensually. Within this role, you gain pleasure from being vulnerable and allowing your Dom to control the scene, following the orders, receiving rewards, or earning punishments.
As you gain a better understanding of BDSM, whether it's researching and reading books, attending munches or educational events, or even starting to explore these roles in your relationship by bringing it to the bedroom, understanding what each of these roles means can help you find what dynamic works best for you.
It is important to note that as you explore these power dynamics, you may find that you change over time from one to another or enjoy changing roles; this is called ‘switching.’ This is completely normal.
Types of Dom/sub relationships: different BDSM dynamics to play with
As you explore the dynamics you would like to try within a Dom/sub relationship, it is also essential to know what a Dom/sub relationship can look like. For some, this can be just within a scene; for others, these relationships bleed over into their day-to-day lives.
Here are some of the most common types of Dom/sub relationships:
D/s lovers: this may or may not include exploring kinks, bondage, or any type of BDSM play, but within sex, one partner is definitely in control, and one enjoys being submissive.
Master/slave: This can move beyond just sexual submission but include service of other kinds that focuses on D/s dynamics and can consist of bondage, sadism, and masochism.
Caretaking: where the relationship may look like a Dom Daddy/Little Girl (boy)/ Dom Mummy/Little Girl(boy)
D/s training relationships: this can include the submissive learning a sexual skill or enjoying being treated like a student, such as enjoying partaking in pet play.
D/s lifestyle: this is a 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship and can include the sub being collared and other forms of control beyond the physical.
How to start a D/S relationship: understanding Dominant/submissive dynamics
Whether you have just started your Dom/sub relationship or been in multiple over the years, here are some great ways to explore your Dom/sub relationship, no matter what level you are at.
To begin with, it is important to take it slow and do your research. Look at what type of D/s relationship you are interested in. Do you also want to try specific types of scenes? Always communicate with your partner the role you wish to take. Do you want to be completely submissive? Are you looking to enjoy brat play? Also, clearly express what you want to happen and your hard limits.
Make sure you trust your Dom. As BDSM becomes a part of mainstream vocabulary, there has been a rise in ‘fake’ or ‘bad’ Doms. As a sub, before you start a D/s relationship with a new Dom, check what others in the community have to say. Have they got experience? Do they acknowledge the importance of safewords? You need to make sure that your Dom can respect your limits and also administer aftercare.
Always have a safeword and agree before any scene what both of your safewords are. Practice them regularly so you remember them. Check in periodically and prioritize aftercare with each other. No matter your role in the D/s relationship, you must ensure you are still enjoying your scenes.
For this purpose, you can use the Obedience App. The aim is to help the Dom set healthy habits for the sub, either as ongoing tasks or permanent rules. You are allowing the submissive to earn rewards (such as an orgasm or even to be authorized to act like a brat for a day!) or punishments. This will enable you to take your Dom/sub relationship to the next level and also encourage a deeper connection between partners.
Exploring a Dom/sub relationship can be a way to discover new things about yourself and explore boundaries. It is a relationship built on trust, consent, and respect, no matter the partner's role within the relationship dynamic. However, before you attempt to bring this into your relationship, always research and openly communicate what you want and the type of D/s dynamic you wish to explore.
Above all, you want your new Dom/sub relationship to be fulfilling and leave you feeling content and happy.
To learn more and join the discussion on Dominant/submissive relationships join the Obedience Discord community.
