Curing your sub’s anxious attachment with BDSM dynamics
written by Maja Metera
The moment we are born, we become a member of society and start to form relationships with those around us. We start with our primary caregivers - usually parents. How the bond formation process proceeds creates a foundation for a child’s understanding and perception of the relationships that follow. Depending on the type of attachment that comes out of it, we can feel more or less secure in our adult relationships.
This article dives into the specifics of one of four attachment styles known as anxious or preoccupied. Moreover, it intends to point out the tools available within your BDSM dynamic that can help reduce your fear of abandonment.
The 4 horsemen of attachment styles
Let’s start with a short introduction to attachment theory created as early as in 1950s by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby as a way to understand how humans act on their natural need for love and support. According to him, attachment is a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings"* which has an evolutionary component as it aids in humanity’s survival - making us interconnected.
As I mentioned before, the attachment style develops in early childhood as the child observes and analyses parental behaviors toward them. If the child grows up in a warm, loving atmosphere and their primary caregivers are attentive to their emotions and needs while allowing and encouraging independence - said child has the best chance of developing a secure attachment. It means that they know that support is there for them if they need it but they are also comfortable with exploring the world and engaging with others. Later in life, as an adult, they have a positive view of themselves as well as of others. This means that they have goals in life, are not scared of either intimacy or spending time alone, and can regulate their emotions in a healthy way.
Unfortunately, as we have different experiences growing up - it does not come as a surprise that only around 50% of the population identifies their attachment as secure. The remaining half experiences one of three insecure attachment styles: Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied), Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive) or Disorganized (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant). It is usually a result of early separation from parents, inconsistent care or parents being preoccupied with their own emotions. It is not to blame those responsible for us in childhood as what we can now identify as malpractice is typically a result of mimicking their own upbringing or also having an insecure attachment. As an example - advising parents to let their baby “cry it out” used to be very common in the 90s and early 2000s. It was supposed to teach them to self-regulate. However, now we know that “not attending to the child if they're upset affects secure attachment and the ability to regulate feelings as an adult”**.
Finding out your place
Despite the division of types of attachment into secure, insecure, and further into subgroups - more recent research takes a similar approach to that on sexual orientation. Namely, more and more often attachment is considered a spectrum. In other words, you can find yourself having characteristics of different types that impact your life to various degrees. You might want to pause reading this piece for a minute and take a look at the attachment style test to find out which one is the Dominant One for you. One of the more thorough (and free!) tests is available at quiz.attachmentproject.com
Please don’t leave
Imagine that you are texting with your (potential) partner and suddenly they stop responding. A person with an anxious attachment will freak out and look for a mistake they made instead of thinking about possible, rational reasons for the lack of reply.
If this sounds familiar and you have a strong fear of rejection or abandonment - there is a good chance that your primary attachment style is anxious. But I have good news - this article can be especially helpful for you.
Some signs of preoccupied attachment are:
constantly worrying that the relationship will end and the partner will leave
being very sensitive to shifts in your partner’s mood and interpreting them as a sign that you did something wrong
having low self-esteem
having a strong need to be physically and emotionally as close to your partner as possible
being uncomfortable spending time on your own
Those can be especially easily triggered if your partner happens to represent the avoidant attachment style, which is the opposite of the anxious one - when you need more closeness, they get spooked and ask for space which makes you more “clingy” in return. It is a vicious cycle.
Anxious perception of love and sex
Okay, you get a bit “needy” in romantic relationships. So what? Why should you care about all of this? Well, let me tell you.
Getting to know your style means gaining a deeper understanding of yourself, your reactions, and stressors in a romantic context - and learning to manage them, becoming more happy and independent.
Since the start of my first relationship at 17 - I have not been single for longer than a month. I was constantly dating, looking for someone to take me in but I did not see myself as worthy of a good, healthy relationship. I was getting obsessed with every new person who gave me attention, used sex to seem more attractive and to receive the affection I was craving. I agreed to things that I wanted no part in because I did not want to be alone.
I was a classic example of anxious attachment - and all of the stress made me miserable in love and dissatisfied with my sex life.
Moving on the spectrum
Please note that I wrote that part in the past tense. It is so because later in life I started to actively work on changing my perception of love so that I could stop perceiving the person I am with as my “better half” that will leave the moment someone else expresses interest in them. I started to believe that they are my equal who loves me unconditionally. I stopped using sex as a manipulation tool.
Not only because there is research that confirms it - but also because I have experienced it myself, I feel confident in saying that your attachment style is amendable.
To begin with, it is important to note that the change can also be negative - from secure to insecure attachment - and happen as a result of trauma such as being in an abusive relationship. However, the bright side is that you are absolutely able to bounce back.
You can work through your negative experiences with a therapist or by self-reflecting in a journal. You can question your automatic, anxious thought patterns and reassure yourself that you are a good, lovable, and desirable person. Additionally, what has been proven most effective is asking your securely attached partner to help - and that is where BDSM enters the scene.
How can BDSM help?
As securely attached individuals believe that it is okay for them to ask you for help and vice versa - if you bring your struggles up, they will not reject you but will do whatever is within their power to help you become happier. And your BDSM dynamic provides you both with a toolbox to achieve that goal.
Firstly, explaining how you experience the signs of your attachment and what triggers your anxiety could be a part of your negotiation. In the “What is a scene? BDSM doing intimacy differently” [ADD LINK] article, I have mentioned that during the negotiation process, it is important to inform your partner(s) about your mental and physical state. This applies to any type of dynamic - whether you are romantically involved or you are only playing together for the night. However, if you are negotiating a deeper relationship - that can (and should!) extend to your boundaries and triggers outside of the bedroom as well.
Secondly, I would like to stress that any healthy and happy BDSM dynamic is built on the foundation of open and honest communication which allows for speaking up about issues and insecurities. Continuous collaboration on solving the problems that come to the surface will give you visible proof that your partner is as involved in your relationship as you are. It will serve as reassurance and will turn down the volume of your anxious thoughts. As those become less prevalent, you will get closer and closer to breaking the vicious cycle I referred to above in relation to anxious-avoidant couples.
Next, I recommend implementing rules within your dynamic that will encourage and motivate you to work on yourself. Make self-reflection and alone time habits in the Obedience App. Gain rewards for having a positive attitude towards yourself and have the support of your Dom(me). You can read more about the benefits of being each other’s accountability partners in the final section of the “(Neuro)Spicy New Year Resolutions” article.
Lastly, you can do what kinksters do best - incorporate your insecurities into a scene. You can ask to be degraded with your negative self-thoughts. Your Dominant can mock and tease you (consensually) about not believing in your worth. Alternatively, you can be praised for the opposites of your insecurities. Whichever way you go - you will gain recognition and reassurance. Your partner sees you, your flaws (we all have some) - and still loves you all the same. So let them and do not undermine their efforts to show you just how lovable you are.
