BDSM and Polyamory: How to Navigate Power Dynamics, Kink, and Multiple Partners
written by Micah Brown
The reasons people choose to be polyamorous are as varied as the species of the earth itself. One person cannot be expected to provide everything for another, which is why we have friendships and acquaintances outside of our romantic entanglements. For some, simply having one romantic partner is not always enough when they want to share their romance with others they feel close to.
Understanding BDSM and Polyamory: How They Overlap
Polyamory and BDSM are both seen as unconventional practices in the realm of relationships and sexuality. While they both exist separately from each other and do not require the other, it is not uncommon for there to be an overlap between the two. There are a variety of dynamics that can be built around a Poly/BDSM relationship type.
While we haven’t touched much on Poly in these articles, I believe it is important to note here that while some may not agree with the practice of multiple partners, there is nothing inherently wrong with it so long as everybody involved is informed and there are no lies or subterfuge involved. While there are many reasons why people may choose to be in a polyamorous relationship, our focus here is on those relationships that fall into BDSM, kink, and polyamory.
Balancing Vanilla and Kinky Partners in Poly Relationships
A common form of polyamory that mixes in BDSM is one in which a person’s primary partner is vanilla, but they have kinky desires that they also need to have met, so they find another partner who will provide the kink they need. Perhaps a Dominant has married a vanilla partner and needs to find a submissive so that the kinky aspect of who they are has an outlet. Or it could be a submissive who needs to find a Dominant.
Less common would be somebody who is involved in a kinky dynamic but would also like something more vanilla with another partner. While uncommon, it is also not unheard of – and sometimes it just happens that somebody in a BDSM dynamic happens to fall for another partner who is vanilla and has no interest in kink whatsoever. As the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants!
Polyamorous Dynamics Between Kinky Partners
When it comes to those who are actively kinky, finding a balance that meets your specific needs can sometimes be difficult with a single partner. What if you are a switch and your partner is a submissive? How do you go about having the submissive side of yourself met in that scenario? Those who are open and poly in their relationships may have a submissive partner and a Dominant partner so that both aspects of their kinky identity are satisfied.
Then you may have a polycule of various kinky people who are all dating each other in some fashion and who all meet each other’s needs. You may have a Daddy Dom who has one or more littles under his care, but then he may be submissive to a Domme who keeps him as a pet when they spend time together. Nobody sees any of the relationships as something less than what they have with any of the others, and some in the polycule may not ever be “together” aside from being a part of the group as a whole.
You may also find triads or throuples that are built on a BDSM dynamic. You could have a Dominant and two submissives, or a switch, a Dominant and a submissive. It is rare that you would have two Dominants and a single submissive, but it’s also not unheard of.
It is possible to find just about any configuration of kinky people who are involved in poly, whether it is a harem of slaves, a reverse harem of slaves, or just a bunch of folks who all like spanking each other and tying each other up with no fundamental hierarchal dynamic involved.
Meeting Different Needs with Multiple Partners
One of the most common reasons you will hear from people as to why they have decided to move into a poly relationship dynamic is that each partner meets a different need. This is true whether or not you are kinky, queer, vanilla, or any combination of those things (and many more). These folks will tell you that you may not find a person who encapsulates everything you need in your romantic life, so you piece together those needs through a series of partners who each bring something unique into your life.
Even if you happen to be submissive and have one Dominant already, what if they aren’t into all the exact kinks you are? So, you have a second Dominant who is willing to go to those other places but maybe isn’t interested in some of the things the first Dominant does. For example, Dominant 1 enjoys anal play and anal toys but does not like shibari or high-intensity impact play. Meanwhile, Dominant 2 enjoys shibari and high-intensity impact play but does not want anything to do with anal play or anal sex. If you need both to feel fulfilled, then having those two Doms who meet those different needs will help you get everything you need.
The same goes for if you are a Dominant and both a sadist and a Daddy Dom. Maybe you have one little that you’re taking care of who isn’t a masochist, and then you have a submissive who is a huge masochist that you can hurt knowing that you both get something out of it.
This can turn into a myriad of partners should you find that you have multiple kinks that certain individuals can only meet, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Understanding Emotional and Sexual Relationships in Poly BDSM
One thing that is often overlooked is the fact that love is not required for all your poly partners. Some may be just kinky or sexual release partners that you get along with but whom you would not want to be romantically entangled with. So long as you are communicating your intentions and expectations clearly, then there is nothing wrong with that.
All Together Now
Kink and polyamory may not always exist together, but they do mix well - especially with the myriad of kinks, fetishes, and desires people within the BDSM community may have. Having multiple partners in order to meet your various needs is not something to be ashamed of. Just make sure you are being ethical about your polyamory and keeping all of your partners in the loop with the status of your other partners. Stay safe, keep things consensual, communicate clearly, and have fun.
