written by Micah Brown

If you’re into pain, whether receiving it or giving it, then creating a scene that plays into your enjoyment of it is important. While it’s been shown that many people enjoy some level of sadomasochism in their sexual encounters, we’re not simply talking about basic spanking when we discuss planning out a scene around sadomasochism. In general, a sadomasochistic scene is going to end with the submissive partner showing physical injury of some kind. These marks will be discussed beforehand and all activities will be agreed upon before beginning a scene. So, let’s begin there…

Negotiation

Whether it’s your first scene or your one-thousandth scene, negotiation must not be skipped when it comes to scenes like this. While there is nuance to the extent of the negotiation, our goal here is to guide you through the most comprehensive negotiation so that you can feel confident and safe in your experience.

In my experience, the best way to do a negotiation is to start by each person writing down the things they really enjoy and the things they have boundaries on. Doing this can help quickly eliminate any activities that would cross boundaries for anybody invovled.

For example, if the submissive is okay with blood being drawn, but the Dominant is not okay with blood then the agreement would be that there would be no activity where blood would be intentially drawn, and there would be negotiation around what would happen if blood were accidentally drawn. If you’re having an impact play scene, it’s very unlikely that blood will become a factor, however it is possible for an impact to split skin and cause bleeding, so having an action plan around that potentiality would be beneficial for all invovled.

Once you’ve gotten your lists written out and you’ve compared them and determined a list of activities that you both enjoy, you can start getting down to the more nitty-gritty part of the negotiation. This includes things like risk profiles, discussing worst-case scenarios, making plans for emergencies, and determining how you will approach safe words during your play.

My partner and I make use of the traffic-light method for our safe-words. While we’ve written an entire piece about safe-words in the past, here’s a quick reminder of what the traffic-light method entails:

Green: Everything is okay, nothing needs to change – the Dominant can use this to check in with the submissive if they feel the sub might need a break. “Are we green?” And if the sub agrees, then activity can continue.

Yellow: Things need to slow down or intensity needs to be reduced – this isn’t a hard stop, but a desire from the submissive to allow for a break in the intensity. This allows play to continue without having to stop.

Red: Everything immediately stops – if there are restraints involved, they are immediately removed. The Dominant checks in to find out what the submissive needs in that moment to feel safe.

The nice thing about the traffic-light method is your ability to cater it to your needs or style. You can decide that Yellow has a very specific meaning about what needs to happen. Maybe, instead of a reduction in intensity, it’s a request to completely change the activity away from what you’re doing now. If you’re spanking, and the submissive says “yellow,” that could mean “I need a break from spanking because the sensation is too much for me right now, but I’d like to keep going with the impact play, so maybe a paddle on my thighs instead.”

Once you have your safe-word protocol decided upon, you can move on to look more intentionally at your shared list of activities. Go through each one thoroughly to determine your boundaries with each activity. Spanking could mean anything from “light spanking, not much pain” to “leave my ass bruised for two weeks and make sure I have difficulty sitting down for the next several days.” Simply saying “Oh, I also love spanking” is not enough information to go into a scene with.

For activities such as bondage, make sure you have an emergency plan in place in the event that play has to immediately stop. If you’re using rope, make certain you have safety scissors so you can remove the rope quickly. Instead of using locks on cuffs, use easily accessible carabiners instead. If you’re using handcuffs, don’t use ones that don’t have a safety release early in your play sessions. That’s something that should negotiated.

Edge Play

If you are negotiating any sort of edge play, then you must be very clear about where you boundaries are and what you are expecting during this type of session.

If your edge play involves blood, then you need to negotiate what safety measures you will take to mitigate the possibility of any kind of blood-borne pathogen being transferred. Be very clear about what your expectaitons are around blood, what sorts of barrier methods will be employed to protect all parties involved, and how to mitigate any accidental transfer of fluids during the scene. If you’re doing blood coupled with impact, there will be splatter and you will need to figure out how you’re going to deal with that. Are you going to make up the room like one of Dexter’s killing rooms to make cleanup a little faster? Or are you just going to scrub the walls down after the fact?

Any kind of edge play that involves breath play, strangulation, suffocation, or even waterboarding will need to be negotiated very carefully. First an foremost, discuss what is allowed and what is not allowed. Since safe-words often can’t be spoken during breath play, you will need to figure out some way to indicate that play needs to stop. Maybe it’s holding onto something loud that you can drop if you need to, or maybe it’s tapping out a specific pattern. Whatever it is, you must be able to perform this action within the scene to alert the Top that all play needs to stop. In the event that unconsciousness occurs, you must have a plan for what steps to take as well as a plan in the event that the bottom stops breathing. This may sound alarmest, but you do not want to be in a situation where your submissive ends up in the hospital or even dead because of a simple error in how you formulated your communication during the play.

Finishing Negotiation

Once you have determined your risk profile, gone over what your boundaries are based on yoru activities, and what your safety protocols will be in the event of an emergency, it’s time to put all this down into writing and have everybody involved in the scene look it over to make certain everybody is comfortable. If you even the smallest question, do not hesitate to bring it up for clarification. This needs to be as clear as possible so that there are no questions.

Once that’s done, you can begin to plan the actual scene and create an experience that everybody invovled will remember.

Setting the Scene

Now that you have finished all the negotiations, you can begin to setup the actual scene. The extent, activity level, and goal of the scene is all up to your and your imagination. Do you want this scene to be a roleplay? Do you want to explore various ways to make pain and pleasure intermingle in the best ways that work for you and your partner? Whatever your end goal, this is where you start to set that up and talk about how you want the scene to play out.

Let’s say you’re setting up a CNC (Consenaul Non Consent) scene with your partner. You have talked over what you want to occur in the scene and come up with all your safety plans. For this scene, it will be heavy impact play, struggling, and copious use of the words “No” and “Stop.” Due to how this is playing out, you’ve also agreed upon your safe-word protocol so that the Dominant knows that it’s really time to stop when they hear the safeword.

For some to feel safe in a scene like this, they need to know every step of what’s going to happen. This would look like a conversation where you would create something of a script to work from. When they know what comes next, they can both anticipate the next step, and allow themselves to become more aroused knowing what’s about to happen.

If you’re looking at an impact scene using different implements, then the submissive may want to know what order the implements will be used, how many times, and whether or not these implements will leave bruises or other marks.

A scene could start out as a blackmail type scene, but the “victim” of the blackmail resists and has to be “forced” to comply. Or it could be a home invasion where the submissive player is “attacked” by the Dominant player.

Get creative with it and build a scene around the idea of an exorcism where the possessed player escapes and then “forces” the priest into sexual activity.

Others may not want to know what’s coming next and turned by the lack of information they have on the next piece of the puzzle. Please remember, that even with this type of scenario, you do not want to stray outside of the activities you agreed upon for the scene. Does that mean that you have to use every single activity? No, you can leave them wondering what activities you will choose to go with and what ones you won’t use at all. It’s a good way to build tension within the scene in a way that your partner will enjoy.

After the Scene

When the scene has concluded, there must be aftercare provided to the submissive player. The body is going through all kinds of chemical reactions and immune responses to the pain that was caused during the scene. Blood is rushing to areas that are bruised to stop the capillaries from continuing to bleed under the skin. If there were any piercings or cuttings involved in the play, then blood is clotting, and white blood cells are are protecting the body from any infections that might try to enter through the open wounds. Make sure that any and all open wounds are triaged and treated appropriately for what they are.

Then, you need to provide whatever aftercare was decided upon during negotiations. This could be wrapping them in blankets and watching something like cartoons or horror movies (we don’t judge, my partner likes to recover from a heavy sadomasochistic session with horror movies and snacks and then a nap). Be sure to take things slowly and reassure your partner that they did a good job and let them know that they are now safe and cared for.

Over the next several days, your submissive partner may experience sub-drop. This is far more likely to occur after a sadomasochistic scene because of the endorphines and adrenaline that get pumped into the body during scenes like that. Not everybody will experience subdrop, but many will. You must be prepared to continue the idea of After Care beyond the immediate ending of the scene.

Finishing Up

Sadomasochistic scenes are intense for everybody involved. While it is true that the masochist experiences the physical ramifications of a heavy scene, both the masochist and the sadist will have mental ramifications to contend with. These are what can cause the aforementioned sub-drop as well as the lesser talked about Dom-drop (yes, this is a thing and we have written about it in the past). It is important that after a heavy scene like this that everybody gets rest and allows time for recouperation. Even heavy masochists and sadists need time between sessions to recent themselves outside of the body’s need to heal.

Be kind to yourself and to each other. Give reassurances to yourselves and to each other. Take extra time to check in and extra time to spend together relaxing and just existing together in the same space. For the week after a heavy session, my partner and I spend lots of time touching and snuggling and telling each other how much we love them.

Remember, sadomasochism is something that should be occurring between two consenting adults who are both getting something from the experience. Be sure that you treat each other with the respect and care you both deserve after it’s all over.