BDSM can help you achieve your New Year's resolutions especially if you are neurodivergent

written by Maja Metera

Have you noticed the overlap between neurodivergent and BDSM communities? No? Well.

There is even a little bit of research that points out that neurospicy people, autistic especially, have kink-related sexual fantasies and engage in sexual behaviors at rates up to six times higher than the general population. The other way around - research from 2018 found that “5.7% of BDSM practitioners who responded to an online survey reported an autism diagnosis, which is more than 5 times the approximate 1% prevalence in the general population”.

Why is that? Let’s find out together.

Common neurodiverse struggles

Neurodiversity (ND) is a group of psychological disorders such as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder) and Autism Spectrum Disorder. Despite each of them having their unique characteristics, they

overlap on multiple struggles. The most prevalent of those symptoms are emotional dysregulation, (in)sensitivity to touch, and developing special interests. Moreover, autistic people - about whose connection to kink we know most - have difficulty understanding social queues, implications, etc. As a result, some neurodivergent people are repulsed by the idea of sex. This can make it difficult to establish romantic and sexual relationships with neurotypicals.

However - this is not the case for everyone and generalising this approach to all of ND community can be very dismissing and hurtful. There is the other side of this coin - for the same reasons, BDSM can be especially attractive and can become one of the special interests or hyperfixations. I will explain why in a moment.

BDSM as seen through the eyes of neurodiverse people

BDSM involves elements which make it easier to create lasting, interpersonal bonds with other kinksters as well as provides sensations that help with emotional regulation.

Clear structure and communication

In ‘regular’ sexual encounters, we follow a universal script that has its roots in implication and unsaid agreements. Both of those components of sexual scripts are not accessible to a big part of the neurodivergent community. This is where kink comes to the rescue.

First of all, the foundation of good BDSM practices is clear communication, outlined boundaries, and consent. It is universally accepted that each dynamic - even a one-time-off thing - needs to be carefully negotiated. Therefore, as everything is discussed openly, NDs do not need to rely on their faulty understanding of what normally would be implied. On top of that, the explicit focus on consent and clear communication creates an environment that evokes feelings of safety, allowing for a scene to take place. Because if you do not feel safe with someone - you probably should not engage in kink with them.

Sensory funhouse

As I mentioned, neuro-atypical people have a heightened sense of touch and are very sensitive to textures, pressure, and movement on their skin. Kink can provide ways to explore both that sensory joy and revulsion.

It begins with the understanding of stimming which according to Oxford is: “the repetitive performance of certain physical movements or vocalizations, as a form of behavior by persons with autism or other neurodevelopmental conditions;

self-stimulation. This behavior is thought to serve a variety of functions, such as calming and expression of feelings.” Its purpose is to provide the necessary stimulation to someone who is hyposensitive, to help manage emotions (positive and negative) that may feel too "big" to handle or to distract from physical discomfort. Self-stimulation usually entails finger-taping, hand flapping, or leg bouncing. But what if I told you that sexual activity and kink can be considered by some as a form of stimming?

It is so especially because of the role masturbation and intercourse - especially ending in an orgasm - play in regulating emotions as orgasms are documented to have a calming effect on the brain. Furthermore, positive sensory experiences evoked by scene participation can promote emotional regulation and catharsis, resulting in a sense of calm and relief. For example, kinksters often talk about the sense of safety and calmness of rope bunnies while they are tied up or suspended. The same mechanisms are used in therapeutic tools for AuDHDers such as sensory swings and weighted blankets which are meant to reduce anxiety and promote calmness.

Subverting normativity

On one hand, neurospicy people look for that safety and calmness - on the other, research has shown that the ND community, while reclaiming atypicality, enjoys the idea of transgressing normative expectations. Therefore, they find pleasure in unmasking - no longer pretending to be neurotypical to fit in the world. The same research underlines that subverting normativity through BDSM intimate practices is a common theme for this social subgroup.

Not only does kink allow for unmasking thanks to its structure and clear rules, but it also allows for taking up space in an intimate setting without having to participate in sex in a “typical” way - you can watch if the people being watched consent, you can sub or Dom(me) is non-sexual scenes for the pure sensations of rope or impact. There is no right or wrong way to practice kink if you follow simple safety rules.

Neurodiversity, BDSM and New Year Resolutions

As you can see, neurodivergent individuals have their way of going around things - because the traditional approach to any given situation might very well not work for them at all. A great example of this is ADHDers not being able to be consistent on

their own - no matter the timers, deadlines, and planners. That’s the very reason why we are talking about this kink and neurodiversity overlap now - around the beginning of the new year, when everyone tries to implement changes and build new habits. It might be especially difficult for this big subgroup of kinksters. So here we are - recommending ourselves.

Obedience App was built with BDSM practitioners in mind but should be especially recommended to anyone who needs an accountability partner to get things done. Because if you look at it this way - your Dom(me) holds you accountable for your habits that you put in the app. So how do you use Obedience to your (neuro)spicy advantage?

1. Set Your Goals

Talk to your partner about what you would like to gain from the changes introduced. Write those goals down in your notes in the App. Make them SMART - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound.

2. Establish Clear Expectations

How do you want your partner to help you achieve your goals? What motivates you? What consequences will make you dread not completing your tasks? Make those things your rewards and punishment respectively.

3. Agree on the frequency of check-ins

Part of working with the accountability partner (or your D-type in our case) is just being aware that they are there, supporting you from the beginning. On the other hand - simple awareness of their presence and expectations might not be enough for you if you don’t see the punishments and rewards executed. For that reason, and to establish moments to introduce changes - schedule meetings with your Dom(me) during which you will discuss your progress. If you have been good - who knows how they will end?

4. Adjust goals as needed

Piggy-backing onto what was said above - yes, the goals are important but maybe there are multiple ways to get to your dream point. Try to be flexible and put on your problem-solving hat - now you have someone to brainstorm with, use them (before they use you 😉).

Log in or sign up to Obedience and start working on your neurospicy resolutions.