Consent is key: how BDSM pushes the limits with chem sex and CNC
written by Maja Metera
TW: mentions of sexual assault, descriptions of drug use, and CNC play
[This is an opinion piece. If you are taking any illegal substances, be aware that they might seriously impact your health and well-being as well as put you at risk of addiction. This article does not encourage the use of drugs. For more information about safer chem sex, resources, and tips - you can visit chemsex.nl. English version of the website is available.]
One of the first things you learn when you start the BDSM journey is to always ask for consent - any play without consent is abuse. However, a few types of play bend our understanding of this rule.
One of them is chemplay, also known as chem sex. It is any sexual activity that involves intoxication of various kinds. It is said to be the most popular among men who have sex with other men and most commonly refers to sex involving the administration of (crystal) meth.
However, it can be used to describe any sexual use of drugs and - even snorting substances off of someone’s breast. It commonly raises questions of health safety and a person’s ability to give and withdraw consent in the moment. But let’s not judge the book by its cover.
One for courage: talking about chem sex
We are all adults here (if you’re under 18 - what are you doing on our website?) and probably had sex under the influence of alcohol. So I ask - why demonize the state of mind where we can immerse ourselves more in the scene?
Drugs can be the main character of a scene or a side-kick used to improve the sexual experience - as it often might be difficult to relax during a scene, to calm your mind enough to be interested only in here and now - not in the belly rolls, unwashed dishes in the sink, or your kids’ grades. We accept that alcohol solves those issues and gives us the courage - to speak our minds and do what we want to do. For some, different drugs - like marijuana, legal in some parts of the world - have a similar effect on the brain. Being slightly intoxicated while playing with a person whom we know well and trust - we might be more open to new sensations, and our nerve endings can get more sensitive enhancing our overall experience, even intensifying the orgasms.
Chemplay safety rules
To make sure that you do not hurt yourself during a scene involving intoxication, there is a few golden rules and tips that we advise you to follow if you decide to participate in that type of play. Here they are:
Use barrier contraceptive methods - condoms, vaginal (“female”) condoms and dental dams - to avoid transmission of STIs. All STIs are treatable but not all are curable.
Have water breaks throughout the scene to not get dehydrated.
Have snacks ready for aftercare or make sure to eat well beforehand as depending on the way of administering, the drugs might make you not hungry
Educate yourself on the influence and side effects the drugs have - especially if they differ per dose. Pay attention to the dosage and the time if you are planning on taking more “portions”. Breaks are important to feel the effect of the drug.
If you can - test your drugs before taking them. especially if you live in the Netherlands like Obedience’s Team - you can search on Google for free testing sites in your city.
Do not mix drugs. You might not have the knowledge about how the substances will react with each other.
Moreover, you should be prepared for what the comedown looks like - you might get shivery, anxious, sad or uncomfortable in your own body. Make sure that you plan for plenty of aftercare as scenes involving intoxication - as fun as they can be - can make you deal with the aftermath that is very heavy on your mental well-being.
Practicing safe, sane and consensual kink
Additionally, to maintain the safety of everyone involved, always practice Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) and follow the rules of Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). This means that all parties involved are aware that no BDSM practice is risk-free and are okay with possible consequences. Nonetheless, they still consider the idea to be sane and enthusiastically consent to take part in its execution.
Here we circle back to the idea that intoxicated people cannot give consent. And yes, if someone is slurring their speech, is unconscious, or barely responsive - they cannot consent, and engaging in sexual activity with them would be considered taking advantage of them and committing sexual assault.
The tricky part is that there is no universal rule for how much a person can take or drink before they are unable to consent. Everyone’s limit is different - one friend will smell the wine cork and will have trouble standing, and the other will be completely fine after a few shots. It is the same with drugs. Therefore, the only way to minimize risks is to pay close attention to body language, discuss safewords and safe-sings beforehand, talk in detail - while still clear-minded - about what you would like to happen, and then stick to the plan. Do not introduce novelties while your partner is not sober.
Can chemplay be done without risk?
There is always some risk as we learned talking about RACK. However, there is a way of playing with intoxication and CNC in a manner that is less dangerous and can be promoted as a substitute.
Imagine this. You get all dressed up, leave the house, get in the taxi and go to a club with your friends. After some time, you spot a gorgeous person walking through the door. They spot you at a bar sipping on a cocktail and chatting with your mates. They walk across the room to complement you. You two spend the evening dancing, kissing, and getting more cocktails. At one point, after you come back from the bathroom, you notice something fizzing in your new drink that you left with them. You shrug mentally, you are probably imagining things. You two dance some more, but your head feels heavy. They offer to get you home safely. You say goodbye to everyone and leave with this stunning human being and amazing kisser. At your address, they walk with you through the door. They force themselves onto you, you cannot do anything to stop them. Saying “no” is not an option.
You can imagine what happens next so I will stop here. Now let me explain why what I just described is not an assault but a well-orchestrated CNC scene with elements of chemplay.
The stranger is your Dom(me) who watched you get ready with an insatiable hunger in their eyes. You discussed this plan and agreed on the time and place you were going to meet. All the cocktails you had that night were mocktails with no alcohol in them and the fizzing you have noticed but ignored was a multivitamin popped in by your Dom(me), a substitute for a roofie (= date-rape drug). The heaviness of your head is a placebo effect. You go back to your shared apartment, safewords are in place and the play continues until you are both naked, enjoying the imaginary non-consensual encounter.
The thing is that pretending is the foundation of a lot of kinky sex - pet play, age play, having fun with taboos - it is all not the reality. So pretending to take part in chemsex is not worse than actually doing the thing. Roleplay is a normal part of BDSM and elements of drug-taking can add flavor and novelty to your CNC narrative.
Now, who would like some vitamins?
