Welcome home: how to join and be part of a BDSM community
written by Maja Metera
“We human beings are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason, it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.” ― Dalai Lama XIV
As human beings, we are programmed to crave connection. The need for those social interactions in all areas of life shows how intertwined they are with each other. If we take this into account, then it is no surprise that one of the most common questions around the BDSM lifestyle is how to engage actively in a community.
The need for connection is the core of being an active member of the BDSM community. Keep reading to understand how we thrive as social beings and how you can find your own place inside the BDSM niche.
Before entering a BDSM community: understanding society as a human need
You have probably come across Maslow’s hierarchy of needs - a theory claiming that there is a specific order in which we should take care of our needs: from basic needs (physiological needs and safety), through psychological needs (sense of belonging and love) to self-actualization or, in other words, self-fulfillment needs. Sure, little graphs and pyramids are cool and all - but what do they bring into a conversation about communities?
Well, what’s interesting is that 4 out of 5 categories presented in the pyramid above are filled with needs requiring engagement and connection to other people. Moreover, taking into consideration the Dalai Lama’s words, the fulfillment of all 5 of them is related to us being dependent on each other - being members of society.
You see, as a species we have been programmed to want to stay together - strength in numbers helped us survive throughout millennia. That innate, biologically-driven ability to develop and form interpersonal connections was so important and rewarding that we have developed bigger brains to accommodate for understanding and keeping up with numerous social interactions, relationships, and networks. The formation of those bonds starts the moment we are born - according to the different attachment styles we develop.
What I am trying to say is that people are social creatures that thrive when they connect with others. But who should you connect with and how?
Benefits of being an active member in a BDSM community
Firstly, I encourage you to think about things that define you: your identities, hobbies, values, and aspirations. Consider the importance of those in your life. Since having an interest in BDSM shapes our wants, needs, and perceptions of all kinds of relationships, it makes for a great keyword in the community search.
The more the community aligns with the core elements that make you who you are, the more it will feel like home - and that home comes furnished with all kinds of sparkly benefits. However, to use them to the fullest, you need to be an active member - introduce yourself, share your experiences, and engage in both conversations and events.
It is especially important if we are talking about online communities where jumping straight to DMs without prior interactions is just not okay (unless specified otherwise). The more you engage, the more interactions you have - and with each positive thing you experience within said community, you will feel more and more like you belong there.
Social benefits of being part of the BDSM community
Communities’ main purpose is to connect like-minded people. They are a tool that can be used to fulfill the craving for social interaction that we know as feeling lonely. If you find yourself in a kinky community that makes you feel welcome (keep reading to find tips on how to do that), you have a good chance of developing deep connections with fellow members. Then the conversations stop revolving only around kink and start to go on for hours covering every topic under the sun.
Before you know it - you made a new friend. A round of applause is well-deserved - making friends as an adult is haaard. But you did it! You became friends with someone who not only accepts and understands the way you view your relationships, but also can relate to your experiences.
Once you feel comfortable among the rest of the community members, you will become more inclined to share more insight about yourself. In a BDSM community, you are safe to share your deepest, most twisted desires without being judged. On top of that, I’m pretty sure others will find them equally hot and exciting.
Whatever you choose to reveal about yourself, there will always be someone who shares your interests, dreams, and struggles. Having someone like that in your life - even if you are not Best Friends Forever - can be extremely validating and opening up to them - therapeutic.
How being part of a BDSM community supports personal growth
As this multiway relationship develops, you will learn to utilize the support you are receiving. The kinky community is THE place that encourages everyone to learn, grow, and be the best available version of themselves - while also providing them with tools, recognition of achievements, and a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong. Use it! Look for a trustworthy outsider’s perspective on your dilemmas, learn from people’s mistakes, share joy, and gather verified educational resources.
Communities are especially useful when you are at the curiosity-driven beginner stage of developing your interests. The amount of insider information you get access to - because each member has a different level of experience - is unimaginable. In all honesty, I wish I had written down everything I have learned since joining my chosen spicy community.
On top of the mentorship, guidance, and support available, you get to explore and express your sexual, kinky self.
How to find a kinky BDSM community online
A good place to start is to check whether your favorite content creators have their community server on Discord. There are a lot of educators on social media who focus specifically on narrowed-down segments of the general kinky community e.g. LGBTQIA+ folks, people of color, or disabled kinksters. In their bios, you might find a direct invite to the server or you might get redirected to an external website to purchase a subscription that grants access to the server. Discord access is often a perk of a monthly Patreon membership.
If you would like to join a kinky community for free - we warmly invite you to the Obedience App Discord server. After accepting the invitation, you will be asked to go through the age verification process as, given the core topic of the server, access is only granted to those who are legal adults (18+).
Alternatively, look around kinky educators’ profiles for information about events they organize online and in person: workshops, munches, weekend getaways, and tea parties. Some even offer discounts or free tickets for those of us in a financial situation that does not allow for any extra expenses. The same thing applies to events advertised on FetLife - where you can filter them based on your location and interests which can be as specific as they come. There is something out there for everyone.
Then sign up, and make time to participate. During the meet-up, put in the effort to talk to people, make a group chat, and stay in touch with them after you all go home at the end of the day. There is no quick way around it.
Lastly and notwithstanding, take care of yourself. Do not blindly trust strangers with your photos and personal information. If people are making you uncomfortable - leave. Unfortunately, the world is full of creeps and people who use kink as an “excuse” to be abusive (BDSM is the opposite of abuse). Thus, it takes a trial and error approach - but the result is so worth the sweat.
