What’s In It For the Dominant: Responsibility, Leadership, and Rewards in BDSM

written by Micah Brown

This article was written in response to one of the questions asked in the “Ask Me Anything” box on Instagram. AMA Monday happens every first Monday of the month. Come join us to have your questions answered!

If your sense of being a Dominant is that you will carry all the responsibility and reap none of the rewards, then you either haven’t been involved with kink for very long, or you have experienced some bad relationships within the kink framework.

Let me be the first to say here that if you are not seeing rewards in your role as a dominant, then you are not in a good relationship. Does that mean it can’t be fixed and you are doomed to be in this place forever? Not at all. The most common issues that arise within a kink dynamic revolve around the idea that there is a specific way to do things and that by not doing them in that very specific way, you are failing in your role.

This is a misnomer and must be removed from your thinking. It is very likely that if this is how you feel as a Dominant in your relationship, your submissive is having some similar feelings about things as well.

Alternatively, a submissive may feel that all the responsibility for keeping the house and doing chores falls upon them since they are in the submissive role.

Why Healthy Dominance Requires Partnership

A strong Dominant/submissive dynamic should feel like partnership where one may hold all the decision making power and have final say in how things are done. But that doesn’t mean that they exist in a void and do not seek input from their submissive about how things should be done around the house or what expectations for both of you are.

If you are existing within a dynamic where you are the absolute boss of everything, you may begin to feel burned out and resenting of your partner who isn’t making any decisions at all (on the flip side, if this is your dynamic and your kink, then more power to you – we’er not here to shame).

Being the Dominant doesn’t mean that you have to be “lonely at the top.” Instead, it means that you are the final say in things that happen with your submissive (based on your dynamic and your set of expectations). Your goal as a strong Dominant is to help your submissive find their way to being their best self. That doesn’t mean making all the decisions for them all the time, but helping them to find ways to make better decisions for themselves.

As a side note, if you’re worried that your submissive will end up becoming too indpendent and no longer need you if you allow them to grow and change, you need to take a long lookin the mirror and determine whether you want to be in a dynamic, or whether you just want somebody to control because there is a big difference.

When you start building a dynamic with your submissive, you want to very open with them about what your needs are. They should, in turn, be very open about what their needs are for the dynamic. Find areas that fit well together so you can work on goals together and both become better partners, both in the dynamic and outside of it. As I always say, communication is key.

You may find in the beginning that your submissive requires quite a bit of coaching they may need you to make all the decisions. Your goal shouldn’t be to make that the status quo, but to help them build their confidence so that they can make their own decisions about what’s best for them. Again, this doesn’t mean they are growing out of their need for you, only that they are becoming more confident in who they are both as a person and as a submissive.

A bit of a personal story for you… my partner started out being very timid about things outside of the house. She wasn’t very good at standing up for what she needed at work or in public spaces. I have worked with her on that so that her confidence is boosted when she’s at work. She is better able to speak up for herself and stand her ground when necessary.

I don’t want her relying on me when I’m not with her because that creates co-dependence, which is something you want to avoid in a D/s relationship. The goal should be to form a partnership that will serve and strengthen both your relationship and yourselves out in the real world. As much as I have helped guide her to being more confident, she has also helped guide me in being a better communicator with her and within my professional life. Where I used to be very blunt to the point of causing issues, I have now learned how to communicate these sorts of things in a way that retains the honesty but tempers the sheer bluntness of my words.

And right there is a pretty huge reward for me as the dominant to have received.

How Submissives Strengthen Their Dominants Too

For both the submissive and the Dominant, it’s about building each other up. While there are times that means tearing down what existed before rebuilding, the ultimate goal should always be to make each other better. Kink is so much more than spankings, bondage, and sex. It’s communication, trust, desire, adventure, and helping each other when it’s needed.

Yes, the Dominant is “in charge,” but that doesn’t mean that the submissive should have a say in anything, espeically when it comes down to their own life outside of the dynamic.

And just because you’re the Dominant doesn’t mean that your submissive can’t help to build you up as well. Being a Dominant isn’t knowing that you’re right all the time. It’s not Alpha Male bullshit. Think of it more like Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings. He is, without question, in charge – but he listens to those who are subordinate to him, and he offers his assistance to those who are of lower status than he is. If you need a model for Positive Masculinity, then look no further than Aragorn and take some of what you see from him on the screen or from the page and incorporate it into how you approach being a Dominant.

The True Rewards of Being a Dominant in a Healthy Dynamic

If you have been a good Dominant to your submissive, if you have helped build them up to be a better all around person, and if they continue to kneel to you as their Dominant, then you have successfully reaped the best reward of all: Loyalty and Dedication to the dynamic.

Beyond that, every time your submissive has a success, they will share that with you and you can feel proud of them. As they grow, your dynamic will grow, and you will see the best rewards being those you can never buy as they continue to choose you and dedicate their service to you as their Dominant.

Being a Dominant is all about the rewards. But, so is being a submissive. You just can’t expect the rewards to be the same for different roles.

Guide, don’t show. Support, don’t demand. Correct, don’t punish (even if corrections are sometimes called punishments because it’s fun).

When you are part of a healthy dynamic, it means that both the Dominant and submissive are thriving and receiving all the rewards they could possibly want.

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