written by Micah Brown

CW Warning: This article is going to talk about rape and sexual assault as well as simulated rape and sexual assault. There are parts of this article that may be difficult for some people to read.

Sexual Assault and PTSD

To begin as bluntly as we can, sexual assault is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. The act itself takes away the agency of the victim and causes a massive flood of negative emotions, may cause a loss of confidence, a sense of worthlessness, and bring about periods of severe depression after the attack. In other words, such an attack can leave somebody with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If an individual has suffered multiple assaults over time, such as repeated assaults during childhood, it is likely that they will end up with Complex PTSD (CPTSD).

A very brief explanation of the difference between PTSD and CPTSD is the length of time the trauma occurred for. Somebody who experienced a night of sexual assault will suffer from PTSD while somebody who dealt with months or years of constant sexual assault will likely develop CPTSD.

Both PTSD and CPTSD share symptoms that include intrusive thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks, avoidance of people and responsibilities, and emotional dysregulation. The big difference between PTSD and CPTSD is the severity of the emotional dysregulation; a deeper and lingering sense of worthlessness, guilt, and shame; and an inability to maintain personal relationships.

While events such as combat trauma and suffering from a long illness may also cause CPTSD, our focus today will remain on sexual assault and how CNC play may help some to regain their power and find ways to rewire their trauma responses and rewrite their futures.

Approaching CNC Through the Lens of Past Trauma

The trauma of sexual assault and rape is something that cannot be described or fully understood by anybody who has not experienced it themselves. I have not been a victim of sexual assault myself, so I must thank my partner who has had the unfortunate experience herself, for helping me with the words and feelings that I discuss throughout this piece.

When somebody wants to approach CNC while also having experienced sexual assault in the past, it needs to be viewed carefully by all the participants who will be involved in the scene. Whether that’s two or seven or more, it is a discussion that must occur before the scene begins. It is imperative that this discussion occur at the same time with everybody who will be involved. No scene should ever be “on the fly” or “make it up as we go.” While there can be some improvisation within the scene itself to keep it feeling authentic, it’s important that everybody knows the negotiated limits, the safe-word protocol, and any other important information that needs to be provided before play begins.

While this may sound like advice for any scene, and it is, double-checking all the limits, and making certain everybody understands what those limits are is vital to a CNC scenario.

As the Victim

For some who have suffered from SA in the past, their desire to be the victim may strike some as counterintuitive. Why would somebody who had been raped or otherwise assaulted want to re-experience that trauma?

As backward as it may sound, it’s empowering for the individual to be in that role. While it may look exceedingly like an actual SA during the scene, remember that every aspect of the scene was negotiated beforehand. The “victim” in this instance has all the power to stop everything with a single word. The “victim” also gets to set boundaries and rules for the scene with a partner or partners that they trust.

During a CNC scene, it is quite possible that the “victim” may experience a flashback to the actual assault. In this case, they won’t remember the safe word and start to respond in a non-agreed upon manner. This is another topic that should be discussed during negotiations. For some, they may stop responding entirely to what’s happening to them and completely disassociate, or they may become violent. It should be communicated clearly at what point the scene should end even if there hasn’t been a safe word spoken. If there is any question, stop and ask. It’s better to interrupt the scene and be safe than end up causing more trauma. Using the Traffic Light method of safe words could be beneficial in these scenarios.* (The traffic light method of safe words is simply using Green Light to ask if everything is okay or signal that everything is okay, Yellow Light to signal that it’s intense and things need to slow down, and Red Light which is an immediate stop of all activity without question.)

Experiencing a situation that is like the trauma they have experienced while being in control of the experience can help them to reframe their emotions toward the event itself and help them experience more control over dysregulated emotions and aggressive responses to events that remind them of their trauma.

As the Attacker

For some, the idea of being the victim, even in a pretend way, it outside of their ability to manage. They may, instead, opt for being the aggressor in a scene where they are “attacking” a “victim.” All the same kinds of communication must be had as discussed in the previous section. We, once again, want to make certain that everybody involved in the scene is fully aware of the situation and what the warning signs could be if somebody starts to feel or act unsafe.

In the role of the “attacker,” it becomes possible to regain a sense of power and confidence that may have been stripped away after the SA. For the one in the attacker role, it’s not about doing to somebody else what was done to them, but in taking back the power that was taken when they were attacked. We are again looking at a scenario that only appears to be non-consensual. Everything was talked about, planned, and boundaries were set within the scene before the play begin. The “victim” may beg, yell “no” and “stop,” while the “attacker” continues to perform sexual acts on them, but all the participants know that if they hear that safe word (whether it’s “Red Light” or something else), everybody stops what they’re doing and steps back to check in on the one who called the safe word.

As an “attacker” it may be that they become overwhelmed with what they’re doing and afraid that they may be acting like their own attacker.

As a Witness

Witnessing assault can lead to PTSD and CPTSD. Growing up in a household where a parent was frequently assaulted or watching a sibling or another loved one be assaulted may cause incredible amounts of guilt. Why couldn’t I help? What didn’t I do something? I could have just called the police. When watching something horrific, it is often difficult for our brains to think through the trauma of what we’re witnessing. While we may logically understand that we cannot blame ourselves for what happened, it’s the illogical part of our brain that is often the loudest.

When it comes to CNC play and a “witness” role, there is a variety of directions this could end up going. A witness survivor could play the role of the attacker or the victim or they could be in a voyeur role of watching the scene play out. When you have a witness role incorporated into the scene, their wants, needs, and boundaries must be respected as deeply as those of the “attacker” and “victim”.

A witness role may also suffer some kind of assault. Perhaps they are tied up and forced to watch the events transpiring before them. Perhaps they are hiding in a closet as it happens. Maybe the CNC scene has the witness play the role of rescuer and “saves” the day for the “victim” by chasing off or even “beating up” the “attacker”.

Even if the witness role has no physical contact, the emotional toll can be just as heavy for them to reckon with. Being able to take part in a CNC scene may very well help them overcome their sense of powerlessness and help them build confidence.

Aftercare post CNC scene

Aftercare is of vital importance after a CNC scene. It will look different for everybody, but it’s important to have that as part of the negotiations. Tell your partner or partners what sort of aftercare you require at the end of an intense scene like this. Talk about boundaries within your aftercare as well. For some, aftercare involves a complete lack of physical contact while their body cools down and desensitizes from the rigorous play. Others require constant reassurance and cuddles after such an intense experience. Be honest with your needs so that you get what you need when it’s all over.

Getting the right kind of aftercare for you is just as important as your partner or partners maintaining their agreements and respecting your boundaries. When play is over, your body will be exhausted from the physicality of the session and your emotions may be in tatters from the emotional toll the scene took on you. If you do not receive the best type of aftercare for you, your body may continue to exist in a state of stress while your mind spirals as you begin to hit drop.

Drop, sub drop or Dom drop, is going to be an inevitability after an intense CNC session. Even with the best aftercare, there will be lingering effects. If your body was bruised or lacerated or welted in any way, it is going to need time to heal. The stress of the play could affect your immune system, meaning that you could end up getting sick a few days after the session if you don’t take care of yourself after the fact – and maybe even if you do take care of yourself.

If there was a witness role in the scene, they would also need aftercare. If you are the witness, just like the attacker and victim, you will need to be clear about the type of aftercare you require after an intense scene. A witness may not be in a Dom or sub role, but drop can still happen after an emotionally trying scene, and doing everything possible to prevent or limit the extent of the drop is important.

Negotiating a CNC Scene

It may feel backward that we’re just now getting to the part about negotiation. All the information above has talked about how important this aspect of a CNC session is for all aspects of the session and after the session. While everything else is important, vital even, to a successful scene, negotiation is what begins all of it and that is what you should have in your head at the end of reading this tome.

Negotiating a CNC session can be an emotional event. During negotiations, you may discover that what you need from CNC and what your partner needs may not match up. At that point, you will have to decide if you can come to a compromise where everybody can be happy or if a session of CNC with that partner isn’t going to be in the cards for you.

A good example of this would be a victim who wants their attacker to grab them by the throat and violently throw them down against the bed, choking them. The attacker in this scenario may feel that’s too far for them to feel comfortable with and that maybe they can come up with something that could be just as rough but doesn’t include the breath play aspect. Maybe they haven’t had experience with breath play or maybe they are nervous about it for personal reasons, but never try to convince somebody to do something they are not comfortable with – whether you’re a sub asking a Dom or a Dom asking a sub.

Your thought process going into a CNC session may not be about it being therapeutic to your own past. That could be a bonus for you, or maybe you’re reading this now and realizing that your enjoyment of CNC has been therapeutic.

“It should never be the intent of a CNC scene to be therapeutic – it just so happens that they often are for those who have suffered from SA trauma in the past.”

When you go into a negotiation, be as detailed as possible with what you like and what you don’t like.

Simply stating “I like simulated rape” doesn’t help. Rape can be violent and forceful or it can be at the other end of a weapon or through blackmail or tricking the “victim” into thinking the attacker is somebody else entirely. When you say you enjoy simulated rape, what does that mean to you? What does that mean to your partner or partners? Talk through that so that everybody is on the same page when it comes time to play.

Creating a checklist to go through with your partner or partners could be a good stepping off point. I’ve included a basic checklist here as an example that has answers for three partners – feel free to use the is as a template for your own discussions on CNC scenes.

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Punching could be from the attacker, the victim, or both. If the victim is fighting back and throwing punches, is it okay to punch the attacker? Is it okay for the attacker to punch the victim? One saying yes and other saying no is not false equivalency, it’s being honest.

Maybe the attacker doesn’t want to leave any bruises or marks so avoids punching the victim, but it’s okay for the victim to punch the attacker. Or it could be the other way. This is why everybody has to discuss each aspect of the scene so that everybody is on the same page and there aren’t any surprises.

While you want a scene to flow naturally, it’s important to setup a general flow of events so that everybody has some idea as to where it is all headed.

Something like this could be helpful:

You are “grabbed” by somebody at a party and shoved into a room
Your attacker comes in behind you and grabs you, throwing you down on the bed
You turn and fight back until you are overpowered
The attacker rips off the important parts of your clothes and begins to touch you roughly
You scream and cry and beg for the attacker to stop
The attacker may use physical means to get you to comply based on your negotiations
If the scene is to end in forced penetration, then everybody knows that’s where it’s headed

Making sure to keep to the general timeline you came up with before the scene will help everybody be more comfortable in the moment.

If you happen to be comfortable with letting the scene develop without any guidelines for what happens when, make sure your partner is also okay with that. If they are not, you will need to discuss how to proceed and if you want to proceed any further into the negotiation.

Conclusion

CNC is incredibly intense, and it can go sideways quickly if things aren’t discussed in detail before starting. When done properly and with the right preparations, CNC can be a way for somebody to take back their power and reclaim their own life. While it might seem counterintuitive, research has shown that it is a healthy activity and can help bring a sense of confidence and closure to those who have experienced or witnessed SA.

This doesn’t mean that everybody who has experienced some form of sexual assault would benefit from taking part in CNC play – like all things, it depends on the person and how they respond to it. Somebody who wants nothing to do with CNC play should never be forced or coerced into it – because at that point it ceases to be play and becomes another form of SA.

Keep all consent around CNC well informed. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t start the scene, or stop the scene as soon as you realize you’re uncomfortable or feeling unsafe.

Good partners will understand and support you.

And ALWAYS provide the best aftercare when a CNC scene has concluded. It’s important for the body and the mind.