written by Micah Brown

This article was written in response to one of the questions asked in the “Ask Me Anything” box on Instagram. AMA Monday happens every first Monday of the month. Come join us to have your questions answered!

Q: I love kink but get turned off by real bodies (and hate it)

This question (really, more of a comment) came to us at Obedience and it caught my eye. I wish I’d had the opportunity to pick their brain a little, but as we get these questions anonymously, I will do my best to work through this very complex and frustrating lived experience.

The Human Body is Kind of Gross

There’s no beating around the bush here – the human body is kind of gross. We’re filled with fluids like bile and blood and vomit. We have to excrete waste regularly to keep our internal systems running optimally. We sweat, we vomit, we sneeze, fart, and cough. Compared to many other animals on the planet, we must seem like a stew of horrifying liquids all contained within a thin veneer of flesh, which can be rather gross in its own way, and supported by calcium deposits that are connected to each other with muscles.

Before modern science, back in the days of Hippocrates in ancient Greece, it was believed that health was determined by the four humors, which were blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile. According to ancient medicine, the four humors had to be in balance with each other. Illness was caused when one of these humors was out of balance and needed to be corrected. This could mean making you vomit, giving you a laxative, or performing bloodletting.

We have come a long way and now have a much better understanding of medical science than we did a couple thousand years ago, but that doesn’t change the fact that the human body is still pretty gross much of the time.

It’s honestly a wonder that more people don’t look at the human body and thing “Whoa, that’s disgusting, get it away from me!” before realizing that they also exist in a human body.

In fact, there is so much to be disgusted by that we can forget to see the beauty that exists within the human body.

Reframing Beauty

As it is said, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and that is certainly very true. Nobody will ever see what we see when we look in the mirror, and we won’t see what anybody else sees when they look at themselves. We can see somebody that we feel is deliciously attractive, but when they look in the mirror, they see somebody who is hideous and undeserving of love.

While perhaps some might say that we need to look at all the functions of a human body to see the beauty of the machine as a whole, there are quite a few machines that, despite their incredible engineering, are still kind of gross.

So, if that’s the case how can we reframe the idea of a human being beautiful when the body is so gross?

Well, for that we may have to look past the body and stare deeply into the mind and heart and soul of others to see the beauty that is being human.

If you find yourself sexually attracted to somebody because of their mind, you could be a sapiosexual. Sapiosexuals are those who are sexually attracted to intelligence. But it is also quite possible that you’re not sexually attracted to anybody if you’re experiencing a level of disgust with the human body that makes the thought of being sexual with anybody unappealing. This could point to you being somebody who is asexual and feels no sexual attraction or arousal to anybody.

Of course, that definition of asexuality is a very narrow one since people who are asexual may still experience sexual desire and needs, but they may not want to experience sexual intercourse with another person and prefer to meet their sexual needs through self-stimulation.

How do we tie all this information into a workable solution for somebody who hates human bodies but loves kink?

We have touched on the fact that kink doesn’t have to be sexual. Many of the activities that occur within kink are often not inherently sexual, but many may turn them into part of their sexual play. Spanking isn’t something that needs to be sexual, but it can be part of a sex-free kink dynamic, as can other activities within kink.

The question then becomes, what aspects of kink are you into, and do any of those specific activities require a sexual component?

If the answer is no, then it is quite possible to find a kinky partner who isn’t going to be sexual and focus wholly on your kink experience. To that end, riggers (those who specialize in tying their partners) often have rope bunnies that are there to be tied into artwork, but who are not there for the purposes of sex in any way. You are also likely to find professional Doms or Dommes who will not engage in sexual activities and who will find ways to meet your kinky needs.

Alternatively, there are many digital communities out there where you can partake in kinky activities all through text-based communications. Discord is full of such communities.

Real Bodies…

Something that struck me about this comment was the use of the term “real bodies,” and everything I said above has no bearing on what this individual is dealing with. I still say that there are others out there who may be dealing with the sorts of things I talked about above, but if this person only has an issue with what they call “real bodies,” then we could be looking at something else.

I don’t want to call it body dysmorphia because that tends to refer to how an individual may see their own body as something that it is not. Those who suffer from eating disorders may look in the mirror and see an incredibly overweight version of themselves looking back at them when in reality they are severely underweight.

The bodies that we are constantly shown in the media are not the bodies of “real” people. Whether it’s Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, Scarlet Johanesen as Black Widow, or porn stars with large cocks and impossible breasts, we see these bodies that simply are not the bodies of the average human. When we see these bodies, we are told over and over that these bodies are the beauty standard, and if you don’t look like these bodies, then you are less than, you are not deserving of companionship and love.

That may be a little extreme, but this is how body dysmorphia can begin.

More importantly, it’s also how so many people end up thinking there is only a single standard of beauty and cannot look at a “real” body without seeing it as inherently unattractive.

These are issues that differ greatly from the previously discussed potential for disgust around the human body.

These issues can be tied to societal norms for a person’s culture and locale. What a culture considers beautiful will inform its citizens about what beauty is. If we look back in time, beauty was found in a full-figured woman, often referred to now as Rubenesque, from the art of Peter Paul Rubens, who painted many full-figured women, while attractive men were on the stocky side. It is believed that being a little rounded across the middle was attractive because it meant that you were financially stable and able to provide for a family regularly.

These days, our attraction leans toward a low percentage of body fat and a lean physique, which is actually contrary to what a truly healthy body should look like. We need a layer of fat over the muscle to truly meet our body’s needs. Take Jason Mamoa, for example. When he’s on-screen, you see his well defined musculature, however when he’s not actively filming, that muscle is still there, but it’s under layer of healthy fat.

I have heard folks say that they don’t find non-filmic Jason attractive because he’s “too fat.”

And now things are getting even worse with the advent of AI-generated images that can create wholly impossible body types to display across the internet, and not just from consumers creating their own content, but companies pushing these visions of impossible beauty. It’s the airbrush effect, except there’s no longer a need for an airbrush.

So, what do we do with all of that? How do we fix that?

Well, for lack of a better term, detox.

Detox like this is difficult when you’re constantly bombarded by these images of “perfect beauty.” It is possible, however, to take a step back. If you enjoy porn, look up the types of porn that has bodies that aren’t impossible. There are subcategories of porn that will meet these standards. If you’re not a fan of porn, then find movies where the leads aren’t jacked-up men and size-0 women. Look for films that show real bodies, even if it’s not sexual.

Spend time in public places with real people walking past. Go to a beach but leave your phone in the car and do some people watching. Watch for the beauty that exists within real bodies. Think about these bodies as the homes for minds that dream and hearts that yearn.

Every mark, every blemish, is all just a part of who they are as a whole. It’s not going to change you overnight, but exposing yourself to real bodies in real situations can help you to accept the reality that we live in and the body types that exist within the world.

There is one more possibility that this person could be talking about, and that’s the idea that they’re not attracted to real bodies because they are attracted to fantastical bodies – perhaps monsters, or anime characters, or other cartoon characters. Maybe their attraction is reserved for impossibly proportioned Hentai characters.

Even if that’s the case, and if it’s something you want to move past so you can find a partner in the real world, you are not doomed. Think about ways in which you can adjust the sorts of things you find attractive. Or find somebody who is into similar things and might be able to do some cosplay in roleplay for some pretty wild adventures with you.

Clean Up

Ultimately, if there is something you are concerned about, find a professional therapist and speak with them. They will have more answers and can provide more assistance than I can from behind my keyboard having to throw spaghetti at a wall and hoping that some of it sticks. Nothing about your feelings is bad or wrong, but that also doesn’t mean you have to live with them if you don’t want to.

Regardless of which bucket you fit into, there are communities online that you can take part in that may be able to help you. Check out Reddit and Discord, as both these platforms have a host of communities that are geared toward helping people in any of these situations.

Stay Safe, Have Fun, and Be Well.