Red Flags in BDSM: How to Spot Unsafe Behavior and Protect Yourself in Kink

Jan 1

written by Micah Brown

Entering into kink as a newbie is frightening enough, let alone having to worry about what to watch for with red flags and how to best protect yourself. While it is true that submissives are most often the ones taken advantage of when they first enter into the world of kink, new Dominants need to be careful as well for different reasons.

Those who have a bad first experience may find themselves avoiding kink for a good part of their lives before trying to experiment with it again, if they ever do. The downside to that is that they are locking a way a core part of who they are because something went wrong.

There is tons of information out there about what makes a good submissive and what makes a good Dominant, but even with all that information, it can be difficult to parse out things that should make you stop and think. Many of the activities that take place within kink would be considered serious red flags for people who are vanilla, so for somebody who is just entering into the world of kink, it can be confusing. Some of the biggest issues that arise from kink encounters are where one of the participants is new and the other is experienced (or “experienced” – but more on that later).

Is it Kinky or is it a Red Flag?

The very simplest explanation of whether something is kinky or whether something is a red flag is whether or not you are into the activity and whether or your you partner listens to your boundaries. If somebody brushes aside your boundaries or tells you that somebody who was really kinky doesn’t have boundaries is somebody to stay away from and tell others in the community about. Kink is very personal and what you consider kinky may not be kinky to somebody else – but they should absolutely respect your boundaries.

Respecting Boundaries

It is vitally important that you set boundaries. Whether you are a Dominant or a submissive, having clear limits around the types of activities you will take part in and the extent of those activities helps keep everybody in the scene safe. If you’re a submissive, you don’t want to end up in a situation where you feel you can’t leave or safe word out because of what the activity is. As a Dominant, you don’t want to be in a scene performing an action that you’re not comfortable performing on another person, even if they’re asking for that activity.

Anybody who does not respect your boundaries is a walking red flag.

A Note to Submissives

You have limits and boundaries. You do. Trust me. Figure out what they are before you have a playdate, or things will go very sideways very fast.

The number of submissives I’ve run across online in various communities who have in their profile that they “have no limits” is honestly astounding. That is a calling card for predatory “Dominants” to sweep in and take advantage of somebody who should still be learning and who should have a knowledgeable and steady guide introducing them to the world of kink.

I’ll say it again: You DO have boundaries and limits and you SHOULD enforce them with any potential playmate. Do not let anybody tell you that to be a “real” submissive you shouldn’t use a safe word.

Dominants, if your submissive uses their safe word, you stop immediately. This isn’t some poorly written erotica where it’s sexy to ignore the submissive’s safe word and just keep pushing past their limits. This is the real world where ignoring a safe word can lead to trauma on the part of the submissive and charges against the Dominant.

A friend who was just getting back into kink in her 40s had avoided it after a very bad situation when she was first entering the scene twenty years earlier. She’d read books and had fantasies and imagined how things would go, but when her first kinky encounter happened, she felt very pressured to perform acts she realized she wasn’t comfortable with from a “Dominant” who had told her that real submissives didn’t have safe words.

She was embarrassed and never reported what had happened to her because she had truly felt that’s what kink was supposed to be and she didn’t want any part of it after that. She spent the next two decades trying to bury that part of herself until she stumbled upon online forums that talked more about what kink was supposed to be and began to dip her toe into again.

I get it. Fantasies can be incredibly arousing and fun, but reality of what you had imagined can be incredibly frightening when you find yourself suddenly in the middle of something you’d only ever pictured in your head and you may find yourself rather suddenly having a boundary you hadn’t known about previously. That doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you are in some way a bad kinkster for needing to back out of the scene. It means that we are always learning more about who we are and just because you weren’t ready for that activity today doesn’t mean that you won’t be ready for it later.

A Note to Dominants

Anybody who tells you that they have no limits is lying. Even if they assure you that’s the case, it’s not and it’s not safe to play with anybody who doesn’t know themselves well enough to understand where their boundaries are.

If a submissive tells you that they are “still exploring their limits” that can be a yellow flag. If they are willing to talk about what they feel their boundaries might be and they’re willing to have and use a safe word, then it’s likely just them being naïve and needing some space to learn. Have those conversations with them to help them feel safe around you. Experiment with activities they fantasize about, but experiment slowly. If they think they like consensual non-consent, start out by having them beg you to stop, but do not be overly rough with them at first. After the scene is over, talk to them about how they felt and what they might like to see as a possible escalation for the next time you want to do a similar scene.

If they don’t want to use a safe word with you, then you don’t want to play with them. Safety needs to come from both sides, and even if you’re the Dom, not having a safe word makes you unsafe as well.

How They Treat Others

Especially when it comes to how Dominants are treating submissives within the community or at an event and how they treat other Dominants. You cannot always tell the type of Dominant a person is by their outward persona, just like you don’t know what kind of submissive somebody is going to be based on how they present to the world.

One thing I’ve seen at events more than once is the removal of so-called “Dominants” who have come to believe that any submissive at the event is somehow beholden to all the Dominants to listen and obey without question. They talk down to submissives, they touch them without consent, and will use derogatory language about them much of the time. There are two types of fake Dominants that act in this fashion. The first is the new Dominant who is trying to put on a show as much for themselves as for those around them. They are likely nervous and want to exude a sense of power. The second most common type of fake “Dominant” is the power-tripper. They came into the scene because they wanted to feel powerful. They are likely to not only treat submissives poorly, but try to “out-Dom” the other Dominants.

Generally speaking, the Dominants you find at most events aren’t going to be like that. Dominants love the guide others. If we didn’t love it, we wouldn’t be Dominants. Having folks ask us questions, ask us for advice, allows us to show others our ability to be welcoming and helpful.

We have no need to prove anything to anybody because are already comfortable in who we are. We also understand that those who are new need some additional guidance. In most cases, we’re more than happy to work with new Dominants and refining their skills and putting end to the idea that every Dominant is competing to be the “cock of the walk.”

Communication is Key

If there’s anything I love to talk endlessly about, it’s communication within kink. Communication is the single most important part of kink, whether you’re in a long term dynamic or just getting started. Talk to others, share experiences, learn from everybody. A submissive can learn just as much from another submissive as from a Dominant, and vice versa. Don’t be afraid to talk to somebody and ask questions. There are no stupid questions, especially when it comes to kink and safety. Don’t sell yourself short by keeping your limits and boundaries to yourself because that will only ever end poorly.

If something doesn’t feel right, use your safe word, talk about what didn’t feel right. If you feel unsafe, use your safe word and then talk about what didn’t feel safe or what happened in your head to make you back out of the scene like that.

If they stop the scene but complain about how the scene was ended early because of the safe word, just take that as a red flag and maybe don’t play with them again. No owe nobody any part of yourself that you aren’t happy to give to them. It doesn’t matter if you’ve barely started the scene or if you’re in the midst of penetrative sex, if you need to end it, then you end it, and your partner should never give you a difficult time about having to end it.

Reducing Red Flags in Your Community

Those of us who are experienced Doms and subs should be open to questions from anybody else in the scene. Our goal is to help those who are interested in kink feel safe within the community. Host munches, dance nights, and even play parties. Create a space where newbies not only feel welcome but feel as if they are a part of the community. Foster discussion and hold educational events that encourage those who are new to ask questions and feel safe and seen.

Bring up unwanted behavior when it happens and explain why it can’t happen. If it continues, it may be time to remove them from your local kink community.