BDSM safety guide: from safewords to establishing limits

When many think of BDSM, especially Dom/sub relationships, they tend to focus on the fun, kinky acts that happen without understanding the work that goes behind the scenes to ensure that both partners are safe and fulfilled in their relationship. From conversations about kinks and limits, safewords, and how to safely use the equipment in a scene, this article will set you up to explore BDSM safely.

At Obedience, creating healthy habits between Doms and their subs is a crucial part of what we do with our BDSM habit tracker app, and nothing makes a healthy habit like having these hard conversations at the start of any new Dom/sub relationships before you have planned your first scene. 

In this article, we will guide you through three of the most essential parts of healthy BDSM practice: setting your limits, having a safeword, and safety. 

Should you have a BDSM contract with your Dom or sub 

If you have unfortunately seen Fifty Shades, then you will all remember the BDSM contract scene. While it looked farfetched, having a BDSM contract is a good idea and something heavily encouraged. 

You can find them online or make your own; these are documents where you and any new BDSM partner can set out your kinks, scenes you would like to try, dynamics you are interested in, and even set out your soft and hard limits, aftercare needs and rituals and honorifics to be used within. You can have one just for yourself, allowing you to share it easily with new partners as you discuss whether you are compatible. 

These are ultimately a list of BDSM rules between you and you and your partner, setting out that the sub is happy to cede control to their Dom.  

It is essential to recognize that these can be added to at any time and renegotiated; no BDSM contract between a Dom and sub should be written as an absolute. You may find that as your relationship develops and you experiment with new scenes, you try a new kink or scene and don't enjoy it; you can then add to the contract to make it a rule that you don't try it again. In this case, it's updating your list of hard limits. 

But what is a hard limit in BDSM?  

What is a hard limit within BDSM

When you start a new BDSM relationship, one of the things that is heavily encouraged is open communication about your kinks, fetishes, dynamics, likes, and dislikes. This is a great time to set your hard limits or non-negotiables list. 

Hard limits tend to be acts, words, or scenes that are a hard ‘no’ for you or your partner. It could be that you enjoy dirty talk, but getting called a ‘slut’ is a hard no. Or you are happy to try impact play but only a light spanking or being tied up, but you want to pass on being gagged or blindfolded. 

Or, as a Dom, you might enjoy the idea of hair pulling but are not comfortable choking your partner or using certain types of language, tools, or performing specific scenes, such as experimenting with consensual non-consent (CNC). 

It is important to know that your hard limits are not justified, nor should your partner try to push you into doing them. However, as the relationship progresses, you may change your hard limits and wish to try new things you otherwise thought you wouldn't. A D/s relationship that doesn't allow you to vocalize your hard limits is unhealthy; if your partner doesn't let you, you should recognize this as a red flag. 

Alongside setting out your hard limits, talking about and practicing your safewords is vital to a healthy D/s dynamic. 

Why do you need a safeword in BDSM scenes

In short, the answer is yes; for a longer answer, it is HELL YES! Safewords are great ways to build trust in D/s relationships and help set boundaries, as well as stay safe when engaging in BDSM scenes.  

A safe word is a way to state that you want to stop a scene. This is necessary, especially when participating in bondage, discipline, or sadomasochism, when certain words like ‘no’ and ‘stop’ have been pre-negotiated in the scene to mean keep going. 

They should be words that don't make sense in the situation so that they easily signal that you want to stop. Some of the most common ones include fruits, famous people or names, foliage, colors, and even random objects. While many have one, you can have two or more. You may want one to signal your physical needs and one to signal your emotional needs, so you know if you need to change it up during the scene. 

Although many in BDSM enjoy employing the traffic-light system of red-stop, yellow-slow down, and green- everything is okay/keep going. Having a safeword should not be negotiable. Both the Dom and the sub can have a safeword so that you know them; you should practice saying them before going into a scene, especially if that scene is more intense. 

How can you and your partner be safe when practicing BDSM

Alongside ensuring your emotional safety is met when practicing BDSM, such as setting out your safewords and hard and soft limits. Knowing how to stay physically safe should also be a non-negotiable. 

When you enter the BDSM community, you will often hear the term SSC; this means safe, sane, and consensual. These are the pillars that BDSM is built on, but what do we mean by them? 

• Safe: From having an aftercare routine planned to knowing how to use the equipment in a scene, your physical safety is paramount to any healthy BDSM relationship. If you are engaging in bondage or sadomasochism and looking to inflict pain, you need to make sure that you can't do any damage to your partner. Research the best tools to use and how to use them, and build trust with your partner by showcasing that you know how to use each tool. This can be with anything from trying shibari and rope play to choking and even when using wax or knives. No matter what you do within BDSM, there is always an element of risk, so knowing how to mitigate it as much as possible should be a priority. 

• Sane: From recognizing fantasy from reality, especially when trying out more extreme fantasies such as age play, CNC blood-play, etc, to not using drugs or alcohol when in a scene. Sane means that you are aware of the risks and the limits and making sure that nothing can cloud your judgment should you or your partner choose to safeword. 

• Consensual: This is the pillar of BDSM, that everything, no matter how intense, painful, or controlling, that happens between you and your partner is entirely consensual. Anything else is abuse and should be treated as such. This should be exercised by you talking and planning each scene, being able to use safewords, and also allowing you, if you are submissive, to trust yourself to know your limits and the risks and submit to your Dom willingly. 

Overall, your emotional and physical safety within BDSM are closely entwined, and open communication is necessary no matter how long you and your partner have been in a D/s relationship. 

To conclude, you need to walk before you can run when it comes to practicing BDSM. Knowing the best practices to be safe, setting your limits with your partners, and having safe words are just a few of the things you can do to make your relationship fun, healthy, and fulfilling in the long run.

Now that you know the basic pillars of safety in BDSM scenes and practices. Update the “Limits” section on your Obedience profile. Sign up or log in to Obedience.