Safety first: choosing between safewords and the traffic light system
Written by Katrina Fairhurst
As you begin your journey into BDSM, exploring your fantasies and learning your limits, you and your partner need always to make sure that you offer open communication and set your boundaries. Within a lot of BDSM scenes, this is usually done in one of two ways: either you or your partner employ the traffic light system, allowing you to slow down and speed up during a scene without having to stop unless necessary. Or you may be asked for your safeword - a word that lets your partner know that you want the scene to end. But which one is correct?
In this article, Obedience will walk you through the world of safewords, the traffic light system, which one you should use, and when.
What are safewords in BDSM
So what is a safeword? A safeword is a term, word, or even a signal you and your partner use to stop a scene when you are at your limit. Although many say that it is for just a submissive, both a sub and a Dom should have one.
Safewords can be actual words other than ‘no,’ but you may find that when you are tied up, gagged, or unable to speak, you and your partner may agree on a specific signal, such as dropping keys, tapping your partner's thigh, or clicking your fingers.
How you choose to safeword is completely up to you. What is important is that you and your partner are fully aware of each other's safewords and practice using them before the scene starts.
These safewords allow you to safely end a scene and should be respected no matter what dynamic you and your partner have agreed to enter into. They help to set limits and boundaries and establish trust between you and your partner. It is important, however, that when choosing a safeword, you do not use a word that is said regularly during sex
Some great examples of safewords can be places, condiments, or even names. Here are some examples of the most popular safewords:
Apple
Red
Pineapple
Dom’s middle name
Banana
Yellow
Safeword
Mercy
Oklahoma
What is the traffic light system in BDSM
On the other hand, you may choose to use the traffic light system. Anyone who has seen Fifty Shades of Gray or has been to a play party may be more used to the red, yellow, and green system.
The meanings of each color are as follows:
Green: Green usually means yes, this is amazing; please continue!” It’s a way to show a Dom that you are happy to continue enthusiastically and that you are enjoying something. It can also be a way to indicate that you want the intensity level upped.
Yellow: This can mean anything from slow down and let's take a breather to it is too intense. It's a great way to let your partner know that they are nearing your limits and allows them to back off and switch it up. It allows them to know to stay at the level of intensity they are at and that you are happy with the current level of things.
Red: This can either mean to stop or that your partner has hit your limits and should back off. Once you have had a cooling-off period, you may find that you are happy to move back to a yellow or a green to proceed.
As you can see, the traffic lights can have different meanings besides a hard stop. Because of this, it is important to talk about what each color means for you and your partner before a scene so you are on the same page.
These are great if you are trying something new and learning where your limits are, as they allow you to change the tempo and intensity and slow down without having to completely stop if that's not something you're interested in doing during the scene. Such as if you are trying impact play for the first time or indulging in a humiliation kink.
Why do you need to use a safeword or the traffic light system in BDSM scene
No matter which one you choose to use, you should always use one or the other. This is for a few reasons.
Firstly, it allows you to safely explore kinks, fetishes, or specific BDSM scenes. By having a way to communicate if you want to slow down or want something to stop your partner, you know you have a way to end the scene without confusion. This is especially useful in situations where ‘no’ or ‘stop’ might be a part of the scene itself, such as if you are enacting a CNC scene.
Secondly, communication and trust go hand in hand, by talking through your limits before you start your scene, telling and practicing your safewords or saying the traffic lights. You and your partner can safely enter a scene and trust each other to stop, slow down, and know your own limits and boundaries. This allows you to immerse yourself in your scene without worry and has the added benefit of building trust, communication, and the bond between you and your partner both in and out of a BDSM scene.
Thirdly, and most importantly, having a safeword or using the traffic light system allows you to change your mind. You may be trying something new for the first time and realize it isn't what you expected, or you might just not be in the mood for a tried and tested scene. Safewords are great ways to ensure that you can hard stop a scene if it isn’t what you were expecting, whereas using the traffic light system can be a great way to slow down and think about whether you want to continue or change the pace/intensity as you enjoy what you are doing. Such as calling for a break or to slow down after a spanking.
For D/S dynamics: How to pick between a safeword and the traffic light system
So, which one should you use? This is up to personal preference. It is important that you have a system in place with your partner that allows you to communicate your limits and stop a scene if you're uncomfortable or enjoying it.
In most cases, many argue that you should, in fact, use both; this allows you to enjoy a scene and change the intensity or have a breather by using Green, Yellow, or Red but also have a safeword that is separate and means “scene over.”
As you can see, choosing the traffic light system or a safeword depends on you and your partner, your scene, and the type of play you may be looking to enter. You may find that you choose to use both to help indicate to your partner if you are interested, need a break, or want a hard stop. Or you may just use a safeword to have a hard stop and nothing else.
What is important, however, is that you and your partner, no matter if your identity as a Dominant or a submissive, have either in place. They help you to explore your BDSM lifestyle safely, set boundaries, and allow you to place trust in each other as you play and in your relationship overall.
Add your safeword or traffic light system to your “Limits” on your Obedience profile. Log in or sign up to update this setting.
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