How to Negotiate a BDSM Scene: Consent, Safe Words, and Emergency Planning
written by Micah Brown
There are so many different acronyms at this point that focus on keeping things safe and consensual that it can often be confusing. We have another entry on this very topic if you want to take a look and expand your knowledge a little! Suffice to say that many of the activities that can happen within a scene are decidedly unsafe, so making sure that there is informed consent regarding the activities and making sure you don’t cross your own safety threshold are important places to start.
Know Your Safe Word
You can read our article about safe words, so I will keep this brief. While during the course of a scene “No” may not actually mean “No,” the safe word always means “No.” For example, if you’re in the midst of a heavy CNC scene and you suddenly become overwhelmed and say “Strawberry” (because that’s your safe word), then everything must immediately stop.
The Traffic Light method of Safe Words has become rather popular. During the scene the Dom can check in with their sub by asking them if it’s a green light. If the submissive is becoming overstimulated, but isn’t ready for things to stop, they can say “Yellow Light” which means to slow down or change activities, but not to stop. “Red Light” means Stop Everything Immediately.
When the safe word is used, everything must stop. The scene is over. It’s not a time to renegotiate or push for continuing, it’s done. If the safe word is used, as soon as everybody feels safe and comfortable again, it’s important to discuss why the safe word was used and what can be done to help avoid a situation like that again in the future.
Picking your safe word scheme should be the very first thing you do when starting negotiations for a scene. Even if you’ve had scenes with this person in the past, it’s important to make sure everybody is still on the same page when it comes to safe words.
Set and Keep Boundaries
Nobody knows your own boundaries better than you. When you sit down to negotiate a scene you want to be sure that you communicate those boundaries clearly and let your partner know that you do not consent to anything beyond the boundaries that you have set. On the other side, you should not attempt to go beyond your partner’s boundaries.
That is not to say that boundaries should never be pushed when you are ready for them to be pushed, but they should not be pushed in the middle of a scene where you have clearly set that boundary. Going beyond somebody’s boundaries is sexual assault and can land the offending individual in a heap of trouble and the victim traumatized. Any pushing of boundaries should be discussed in the negotiation and never after a scene has begun.
If you have said “no anal play” and your partner begins to circle your anus with their finger, it is perfectly acceptable to call out your safe word and end the scene. It is not okay for your partner to try “seduce” you into an activity you clearly said you didn’t want to take part in.
Discuss the Scene in Detail
This doesn’t mean you have to script out the entire scene. It can sometimes feel like that’s what people want you to do, and it’s fine if that’s what you need to feel comfortable, but that’s not a necessity for every person in every scene.
Okay, while you don’t need a full-on script, you do want to make a list of all the activities that will take place within the confines of the scene and the degree to which that activity can be performed.
You may want to create sheet that has various activities and what you want from each activity. You might want to use a pre-made list by Obedience to inspire you. The final list for the scene could look something like this:
While it may seem tedious to create something like this for each scene, creating it once and editing it as you progress can be quite helpful and insightful as you can go back to your older sheets and see where you were and where you are now.
You may also want to create a similar list for toys to be used during the experience. What sorts of things are you okay with?
Using a list of implements coupled with a list of tolerance levels can help create a scene where you feel your safety threshold isn’t being pushed to its limit. Maybe you like to play with needles, enjoy play piercing during scenes. If you’ve been with your partner for a long time, then you may feel safe with them not wearing gloves during this sort of play. But if you’re with a new partner and doing needles with them for the first time, you may feel more comfortable if that individual wears gloves during the scene.
Your safety and comfort are not a single setting that will be the same for every partner or even every scene – it will fluctuate based on who you are with and what the scene is going to entail, and may even fluctuate based on your emotional state on a particular day. Again, this is why negotiating a scene every time is important.
Don’t “Test” Your Partner
If you don’t trust the person you’re with to respect your boundaries and respect your safe word, then don’t play with them. Calling out your safe word just to see if they will respect it adds a ton of stress to the whole experience. They may feel they have done something terribly wrong even if you were just “testing” to make sure they listened.
Concurrently, it’s not okay to test the boundaries of the person you’re playing with just to see at what point they use their safe word.
Remember, the moment a safe word is used, everything must stop immediately and without question.
A partner and I in the past had to come up with an alternate word because she had a tiny bladder and our scene would run long. We called it her “Pee Word.” For those into golden showers and the like, this could have been a bonus for them, but as we were into neither of these, she would say her “Pee Word” and she’d go and pee, then come back and we would continue (depending, I would sometimes have to carry her to the bathroom and back because it was easier than trying to undo everything)
Make Plans for the Unexpected
I will again point to my past partner. The first time we had an extended scene like that we hadn’t run into the issue with her micro-bladder, so she ended up using her safe word so she could pee. It threw me into such a panic that I had done something seriously wrong I stopped everything and got her out and was apologizing profusely, and then she told me she just really needed to pee.
We sat down after that and came up with the pee word.
While there is no way to plan for every eventuality, it’s a good idea of think about these things. Do you have a small bladder? Do you have any medical issues that could result in some frightening experiences for your playmate such as fainting spells, or clotting issues that could make you bleed more profusely than the average person?
Do you giggle when you’re in pain? Do you hate being tickled?
It may sound silly, but take the time to think over weird things that could happen based on your life and life experience.
Make an Emergency Plan
Especially if you’re doing any kind of extreme play such as play piercing, cutting, knife play, shibari with suspension, breath play, and so forth.
The first thing you’ll want to do is make certain you have a robust first-aid kit. If you’re doing anything with sharps, make sure you have steri-strips to help close wounds. If you do lots of rope play, you’ll want to make absolutely certain you have safety scissors so that you can cut through the rope in the event of an emergency – people have lost nerve sensation because of being tied too tightly and not being able to get out of it quickly enough.
Aside from having the necessary first-aid, you’ll want to have emergency services numbers handy and easy to dial in the event you need some more help. It may feel embarrassing to call to help get your partner out of some bondage situation, but it’s far better than them ending up damaged. And, if everybody comes out okay in the end, at least the first responders didn’t have a boring evening.
If something does go wrong, it’s important to stay calm, assess the situation, and make a plan of action. Simply reacting without thought may end up with things being worse than taking those 10 seconds to think through what needs to be done.
If you really want to keep on top of safety, create a checklist in the event of an emergency that you can go through step by step to address the situation.
You may want to make a couple of them for different scenarios.
In the Event of Cut Off Circulation to a limb
In the Event of excessive bleeding
In the Event of unconsciousness
If you do make up these response sheets, be sure to keep them within easy reach of your play space. You may even wish to laminate them and hang them in your dungeon, if you’re lucky to have one ;)
In the End, Communicate
I’m pretty sure this is my favorite word when it comes to kink and BDSM (or any type of relationship or dynamic). Everything here is all about communicating clearly, listening intently, and creating an environment where everybody feels their safety thresholds are being met, they are heard, and where everybody can have a good time and find the release they are hoping to find within the negotiated scene.
Without open and honest communication, nobody is going to have a very good time.
