Humiliation 101: Types, Tips and Ideas
written by J @ BeMoreKinky. J is the founder of BeMoreKinky (www.bemorekinky.com), an app that helps thousands of couples learn about BDSM, figure out what they like, improve their communication, and organize play. J is obsessed with helping those newer to BDSM learn about consent, and the tools and techniques they need to play safely.
Let me tell you about the people who I'm closest to. The surgeon with impossibly steady hands who spends 12 hours a day holding lives together. The lawyer who argues multi-million dollar cases and can't show a single crack in her composure. The parent who manages the schedules, meals, and emotional well-being of three small humans.
They all carry a crushing weight, competence. Every single day, they must be perfect, in control. They've got to have all of the answers. And yet, they'll tell me (often in hushed tones) about their secret desire... they want to be told they’re pathetic. They want to be made to kneel.
For many, they want to put down the heavy shield of perfection and let someone see their messy, flawed, deeply human side. To have that part seen, and not just seen, but held in a space of intense, deliberate connection.
Then there are the others. The ones who walk in with the shadows of real humiliation clinging behind them. It could be playground bullying, or a parent’s cruel words, the shame from a toxic relationship. They want to look at their old wounds and say: "You know what? You don't own me anymore. Now, I choose the context. I choose the words. I hold the power to stop it all."
Let’s talk about how to get started with humiliation play.
Negotiating Humiliation Play
Build a Shared Vocabulary
Open, honest communication is the most essential part of BDSM. Before proposing or asking for humiliation play, identify what you find arousing and what might hurt you. Many therapists recommend using a Yes/No/Maybe list: list activities and label them as a hard yes, hard no, or maybe. Examples might include:
Yes: Being called “naughty.”
Maybe: Crawling on hands and knees.
No: Insults about intelligence.
If you share this list, it can help your partner avoid mistakes and will make them feel more comfortable. The same word can completely excite one person and harm another. Identifying your triggers ahead of time prevents accidental harm. You might love being called “slut,” but “whore” reminds you of bullying. Make that distinction explicit!
Discuss Language and Tone
Humiliation often hinges on words. The same phrase can be playful or devastating depending on tone, context and relationship.
When negotiating, be specific about which insults are welcome and which are off‑limits. Ask for a list of acceptable words the first time you play, and update it as you explore. You can list your limits and phrases you like in a notebook, spreadsheet, or in the BeMoreKinky app.
Plan and Provide Aftercare
Aftercare refers to the emotional and physical care partners offer each other once a scene ends. Humiliation can stir up deep feelings, so aftercare is vital to restore equilibrium. Discuss aftercare needs beforehand, maybe you want cuddles, kind words, snacks or a shower together. After intense scenes, some bottoms experience “subdrop” (a crash in endorphins) and some doms feel “dom drop” (guilt or exhaustion).
Getting Into the Right Headspace as a First‑Time Dominant
Playing the humiliator can be daunting. You’re asked to push someone to the edge of discomfort without tipping them into harm, all while maintaining your own ethical compass. Here’s how to cultivate a healthy dominant headspace:
Understand Your Partner’s Arousal Triggers. Humiliation only works when it hits something meaningful. To humiliate someone, you need to know them well. Spend time asking your partner exactly what makes them squirm and why. Are they turned on by body‑related insults? Are they more excited by being treated like an object? Are they seeking permission to let go of control?
Examine Your Own Feelings. It’s normal to feel nervous about hurting someone you love. Remember, you’re not trying to destroy your partner! You’re helping them explore vulnerability. You might need to rehearse alone to get comfortable hearing the words in your mouth. Visualize the scene, practice your tone and facial expressions, and remind yourself that your partner wants this.
Start Light and Build Slowly. Balance intensity and sensitivity, find topics that ignite passion without causing harm. Begin with mild teasing or directive language (“you look so pretty when you blush”) and gradually build. Keep sessions short at first and watch for subtle cues of discomfort.
Pay Attention to Non‑Verbal Cues. Physical signs often matter. Are they averting their eyes because they’re so deeply in scene, or is it because they’re overwhelmed? Are their fists clenched or are they relaxing into the role? Regularly check in using safe words or a codeword (ie. “yellow”) to ensure they’re in the right headspace.
Practice Empathy and Compassion. Even while you’re calling your partner a “dirty pig,” remain emotionally attuned. Humiliation is sexy because it pushes control further. After bondage removes physical autonomy, humiliation takes away self‑image. Knowing this, reassure your partner before and after the scene that you value them. Use aftercare to re‑establish equality and affection.
Types of Humiliation Play
Humiliation play encompasses a wide spectrum. What one person finds degrading might be another’s fantasy. Here are some of the most common categories:
Verbal Humiliation
This is definitely the most common and accessible form of humiliation. It includes name‑calling, taunting, or giving orders. Belittling language is especially common and can range from somewhat tame phrases like “little bitch” to the more extreme insults. You might also make someone repeat embarrassing phrases (even as repeated mantras), confess desires aloud, or recount past sexual exploits.
Physical Degradation
Physical humiliation incorporates actions that make the submissive feel objectified. For example, making your partner lick your shoes, crawl on all fours, or act like a dog (not to be mistaken with petplay). Physical degradation can also involve spitting, being used as furniture, being forced to eat from the floor, or being led on a leash in private. Some people enjoy water sports or being forced to eat with their hands at dinner. Always consider the hygienic risks and discuss them in advance.
Performance or Exposure Humiliation
Some people love the thrill of involving others in their humiliation. For example, having others watch you while performing degrading tasks (or just being watched can be degrading in itself). Online play can be a more comfortable way to get started. For example, sharing erotic pics or writing explicit fantasies on a public forum, or being told to post embarrassing selfies online. If you explore this, remember that digital footprints are permanent. Only share what you’re sure you can control.
Service Humiliation
This type focuses on reducing the submissive to a servant or object. Examples include:
Being made to fetch drinks or food while naked.
Acting as human furniture (footstool, table)
Financial domination, where the submissive pays the dominant’s bills or buys gifts, sometimes called “money slavery”
Chastity tasks and denial games
Service humiliation can be combined with domestic service or petplay (being a maid or being walked on a leash). It often provides a structured framework where humiliation is delivered through tasks rather than insults.
Body‑Focused Humiliation
These scenes play on insecurity about specific body parts. The most common example is small‑penis humiliation (SPH), the submissive might be teased about their penis size, or asked to measure it. Conversely, cum‑eating instructions (CEI), breast humiliation, or queening (smothering) can tap into other body‑related vulnerabilities. Because these kinks revolve around sensitive body image issues, negotiation is crucial.
Gender and Sissification Humiliation
Here, humiliation stems from playing with gender roles. In sissification, a masculine person may be feminized through clothing, makeup, and name‑calling. This can both arouse and embarrass. Conversely, a femme may be forced to wear a strap‑on and called “sir.”
Task-Based and Role‑Play Humiliation
Sometimes humiliation is woven into role‑play scenes. A teacher might scold a naughty student, a drill sergeant might humiliate a recruit, or a cruel master might force a slave to eat off the floor. You can turn ordinary dinners into humiliation scenes by making someone beg for each bite. Role‑play can also be combined with age play, or pet play to amplify vulnerability.
Crafting Dirty Talk and Scenarios by Type
The phrases and tasks you use should be tailored to your partner’s desires and boundaries. Use these examples as inspiration and adjust as needed. Remember to agree on acceptable words before a scene.
Verbal Humiliation Dirty Talk
Pet Names: “Good boy,” “bad girl,” “slut,” “toy,” or “little pig.”
Orders and Directives: “Beg me for it.” “Ask permission before you touch yourself.” “Crawl to me.”
Mocking Phrases: “Look at you, so desperate for my attention.” “Are you blushing because you like this?”
Confessional Prompts: “Tell me what filthy things you dream about.” “Repeat after me: I’m your worthless plaything.”
Contrasting Praise: Combine degradation with praise to heighten paradox—“You’re such a dirty slut, and I’m proud of how well you obey.”
When crafting insults, steer clear of triggers or traumas. Using a partner’s real insecurities (like their intelligence or past trauma) without consent can cause harm. Instead, focus on generic archetypes (slut, toy, naughty) or consensual fantasies.
Physical Degradation Tasks
Body Worship: Order your partner to kiss or lick your boots, feet or underwear.
Leash Play: Put a collar and leash on your partner and make them fetch an object on all fours.
Furniture Use: Sit on them while watching a short show or reading; ask them to hold your drink. Start with short durations and add time only if they enjoy it.
Food Humiliation: Feed them from your hand or let them eat off the floor. Alternatively, make them beg for each bite of dinner.
Mess Play: Spit on them or pour water over them and instruct them not to wipe it off.
Always discuss hygiene and safety when bodily fluids are involved.
Exposure and Performance Scenes
Strip‑Tease Examination: Order them to undress under bright lights or in front of a mirror. Make them describe their body parts. This can be done privately or in front of a audience (virtual or in person).
Public Tasks: Have them wear an embarrassing accessory (a collar under their clothes) while running errands. Or require them to send you a photo of themselves kneeling at work (concealing their identity).
Online Confession: Instruct them to post a hidden kink or dirty confession anonymously on a forum. Only choose platforms you both trust, and never reveal personal information without consent.
Chore Performance: Have them dance for you in a ridiculous costume, recite an erotic poem, or present a chore chart where each task earns them permission to orgasm.
Service and Task-Based Phrases
“Hold still and be my footstool.”
“I need a table. Get on all fours and don’t spill this glass.”
“Clean the bathroom while I watch. Keep that plug in while you scrub.”
“Pay my dinner bill. Thank me for letting you.”
Service humiliation works best when combined with verbal instructions, praise good service, mocking mistakes, and adjusting tasks to avoid injury (don’t require strenuous postures for long periods).
Body-Focused Dirty Talk
SPH and Body Insults: “Is that all you’ve got? Such a tiny thing.” “Your cock is so small.”
Tease and Denial: “Beg for this and maybe I’ll let you touch me.” “You can watch me play with someone else, but you may not join.”
Positive Twist: For body‑positive humiliation, invert the script. Make your partner kneel naked before a mirror and say affirmations they find embarrassing, like “I’m beautiful” or “I’m desirable”.
Gender and Sissification Scenarios
Dress them in clothing associated with a different gender and use feminizing or masculinizing language (“What a pretty little girl,” “That suit looks so wrong on you”).
Make them perform tasks that subvert their everyday gender role, such as painting their nails or shaving their legs while being teased.
Combine gender play with service: “Serve me tea in your heels and apron. Don’t spill a drop.”
Role‑Play Dialogues
Teacher/Student: “You’ve been so naughty. Bend over and count each smack. Say thank you after each.”
Drill Sergeant/Soldier: “You call that a push‑up? You’re pathetic. Give me twenty while you tell me you’re worthless.”
Master/Pet: “Sit. Good boy. Beg for me to pet you. Show me how much you want to please your owner.”
When writing scenarios, think about the emotional arc. Humiliation should be balanced with erotic charge, humour or tenderness. After all, you’re creating a shared fantasy, not bullying someone you love.
Conclusion
While humiliation can be a huge amount of fun, healing, and help improve the intimacy of your relationship, remember to start gently. Push those boundaries gently as your trust and comfort increases.
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