Public BDSM: Safely Navigating Kink in Everyday Life and at Events
written by Micah Brown
Many people believe that BDSM is something that is confined to a bedroom or dungeon and doesn’t exist outside of those areas. While this is true for many practitioners of kink, many allow BDSM to extend well beyond the confines of the bedroom and even beyond sex and sexuality. For those who embrace a full-on BDSM lifestyle, their approach to how they navigate their life in public without calling attention to their kinky side often requires some creativity.
Discussing every possible public interaction or situation would require several books, so instead, we will approach things as generically as possible.
What Is Public BDSM?
There are two primary groupings you can put public BDSM into. The first is the general public's everyday life – this is where all the nuance around possible scenarios comes up. Are you out to dinner, at a professional function, viewing a movie, etc. The second grouping is the idea of public play within the confines of a kink-friendly space. This could be a sex club that allows kink, a club event focused around kink, or a play party/sex party. While the clubs and parties may be “private” events, there are still multiple sets of eyes on you and what you are doing, and it can, to many, feel very public. In most cases, you do not generally practice kink in front of a crowd (there are exceptions for some, and we acknowledge those who perform public kink regularly for a crowd).
How you approach consent in public will depend entirely on the situation. Clubs, parties, and the like will have a much more straightforward and direct manner of consent because everybody attending recognizes the expectations for consent in those situations. Consent in non-kink-aware spaces will be determined more by your dynamic and the situation at hand.
BDSM at Events: Understanding Rules, Consent, and Etiquette
Whatever type of event you are attending, you must read the rules for the venue. If it’s a private party the hosts should have a list of rules and expectations for the attendees, including their preferred approach for consent. Depending on the party, there may be various levels of consent depending on the status of the attendee. For a more extreme example, a play party where the submissives are “free use” may not have rules around consent for those attendees - as participation requires consenting to being used by anybody in attendance within the strictures of the party rules. In such a case, the rules may look something like this:
Outside of a party where there are Free Use Submissives, there will be rules and expectations set around consent and how it’s approached. While there is much to be said on the topic of safe words, the most important aspect of any safe word is the fact that it withdraws consent. In a situation where a safe word is used, it does not always mean that something has gone wrong or gone off the rails during the scene. It could be that one of those in the midst of the scene is having a panic attack, or perhaps they lost feeling in one of their limbs during a rope event and need to have it adjusted. Using a safe word doesn’t always mean that the entire scene is over - it’s meant as a way to stop the activity so an issue can be addressed. Then, if play can continue after the issue has been addressed, it may do so.
If you find yourself headed to a club, event, or party make a checklist with your partner(s) and go over it together so everybody going is on the same page. If there are any questions you have for the hosts or the venue, make certain you get those answered before attending. An example of a checklist could look something like this:
Depending on the venue and the event, you may find other items to add to your own checklist.
Hidden and Discreet BDSM Practices for 24/7 Dynamics
This is the point at which things become more subtle and more complicated. It is highly unlikely that you will take your submissive partner, tie them down in the subway car, and proceed to fuck their brains out while commuters stand and watch. This level of Public BDSM goes beyond sexuality and usually falls into a more fulltime, 24/7 type of dynamic where the participants don’t simply play a role in the bedroom, but live it as a lifestyle.
How does one approach the idea of Public BDSM and how does one talk about the idea of consent in situations like this? We have some answers for you on this topic.
First, talk to your partner(s) about the level of comfort surrounding public BDSM. Again, this is going to be mostly subtle things that the average person will overlook, but that others who are active within the BDSM community will likely recognize. For some, the act of wearing a collar in public is going to be the extent of their willingness to participate in BDSM out in the real world.
For others, there is an entire world of subtly to explore.
Not only may somebody wear a collar out in public to display their status as one who is owned, but there maybe specific hand signals that mean certain things so that the submissive can be controlled in public. It could be a signal to stand up straight, or perhaps a sign that sends them somewhere to remove their underwear.
Shibari offers the ability to bind a submissive secretly so that they are wrapped up in ropes under their clothes and nobody knows. There are remote toys that can be placed against or inside a submissive that the Dominant can control to give little (or big) bursts to pleasure at interesting moments throughout the day or the outing. While these little toys are not strictly kinky, any kind of play that occurs in public could be seen by many to fall within the realm of kink, even if there aren’t whips and chains involved.
Other aspects of BDSM in public can be completely hidden from others. Some Dominants choose the clothing that their submissives will wear, so every time a submissive leaves the house, they have been instructed on what to wear, which enhances their feelings of being owned and protected by their Dominant. Piercings, tattoos, scarification, or even simple body writing with a permanent marker before leaving the house can help enhance the feeling of BDSM existing outside the strictures of the Bedroom and Sex.
Some people may like to take the play a little further, and while they may not instruct their slave to drop their underwear and bend over the concession stand at the movie theater, they may instruct their submissive to give them oral during the movie or to provide sex somewhere out of the way, but still in public - a bathroom, just inside a line of trees, an elevator…
Whatever your comfort level is with BDSM extending beyond the bedroom, make sure to talk to your partner(s) about it so that should you ever decide to let your kink venture out into the real world, you are able to fully enjoy the experience.
Third-Party Consent
A frequently overlooked aspect of consent is the people who are not involved with your activity and are witnesses to it. At a party or a club, these would be the people who are watching you as you interact. In the case of a club or a party, there is implied consent to witnessing sexual and/or BDSM activity based on the theme of the party or club. While the behavior is expected to continue, somebody who doesn’t like it can move to a different area of the venue so they don’t have to see it.
As a host, it is essential to let people who are attending know what kind of activities might be occurring within the space and, if possible, let people know what areas of the venue are reserved for what activities to help those who might be triggered by specific activity may be able to avoid it. If there are no specific activity areas, be clear so potential guests can decide whether or not to attend.
Things get murky regarding activities outside a club or a party. People who may walk in on your activities in a public space will have no warning about what they are about to witness and cannot provide consent for viewing such activities. Whether it is intercourse, sexual play, or a full BDSM scene, the general public has not given consent to witness your activities or varying states of undress. For this reason, any public play must be approached with a modicum of discretion. If you’re going to have sex in a bathroom, try to make it a bathroom that can be locked, so you’re not walked in on. Clean up after yourselves because nobody wants to find sexual fluids in a public bathroom, and it is a health risk for the public at large.
If you are doing any kind of play in a public space, there is the risk of being caught. While that thought can be exciting for those involved, doing your best to find places where you are unlikely to be caught is a must, and understanding that being caught means you may end up with legal consequences depending on the state of undress and the activities being performed – not to mention the trauma that can be caused to the viewer.
When you decide to play or have intercourse in public, just make certain you are actually mitigating the likelihood of being caught by keeping to areas that can be locked (bathrooms, closets, offices, etc.) and areas where there is not a lot of foot traffic (well off nature trails, in cars/vans, beneath stairwells, etc.). Wherever you decide to have your public play, just remember that anybody who catches you has not consented to see your activities or your potentially naked bodies.
A Final Thought
BDSM is very personal. While you may share that aspect of yourself with your partners throughout your life, it is not something that most people want to bring up at family dinners. However, that does not mean that there might be kink happening subtly at those family dinners. The approach you take to attending an event is going to be vastly different from how you embrace BDSM in your everyday life. If your kink is part of your overall lifestyle, then you will want to be living it outside the bedroom as much as possible.
Remember that everybody is different and that you may have to find some compromise between yourself and your partner(s) on how deeply you want to embrace BDSM publicly - whether that happens to be in a club or out in the real world.
