written by Micah Brown

This article was written in response to one of the questions asked in the “Ask Me Anything” box on Instagram. AMA Monday happens every first Monday of the month. Come join us to have your questions answered!

Q: How can someone be a bottom and a Dom or a sub and a top?

We’re all guilty of making assumptions about a person based on limited information. For example, if somebody were to tell you that they’re a Dominant, you likely get a specific kind of picture in your head about it. Leather clad, whip in hand, cocky half-smile on their face ready to punish any submissive who happens to cross their path. While there are certainly many Dominants out there who would fit this particular mold, that’s a very limited view of what a Dominant can be.

On the flip side, you may have a specific outlook on what a submissive may look like should somebody tell you that they are submissive, and again, simply believing that a submissive individual somehow appears weak and small is a very limited view on what a submissive can be.

Can a Dom(me) be a bottom?

Let’s first acknowledge the stereotypical Dominant we all tend to picture when we think of somebody who is a Dominant. Then, let’s lean a little to our side and see all the other types of Dominants that exist in the world, some of them seemingly displaying traits that one may consider to be the opposite of being a Dominant.

Let’s tackle the idea of a Dom also being a bottom. Generally speaking, when somebody refers to a “bottom” they are referring to the individual who is being penetrated during a sexual act. Because of our ingrained social learning, we believe that anybody who is being penetrated is in some way “weaker” than the one who is doing the penetration. But we have to remember that a Dominatrix could be Dominant over somebody who will be penetrating the Dominatrix at some point during the play. Being penetrated or being the one who penetrates does not make you either a Dom on a sub – it just makes you somebody who enjoys a specific activity.

Does that mean that there could be a Dom who is also a bottom? Absolutely. The idea of a Dominatrix aside, there are other types of Dominants who will enjoy the act of being penetrated. Being in charge of how they are penetrated, instructing the submissive on what methods to use, or simply using the submissive to gain whatever pleasure they desire from being penetrated. A Dominant who is using oral sex on their submissive as a means to tease and torture is still being penetrated, but that doesn’t mean they are any less in charge.

The heading of this article asked a question about Service Daddies. Well, if you think about how a DD/lg (or DM/lb or DD/lb) dynamic can work, you’re already seeing something of a Service Daddy at work. When you have a Dominant/little dynamic, the most frequent configuration is the Dominant taking the role of a caretaker to the little. This one thing is already leaning heavily into the service side of D/s. Think about the DD or DM role in a dynamic like that. How are they taking care of their little in these dynamics?

submissives and Non-Standard Roles

You don’t tend to think of “submissive” and “sadist” in the same thought process, unless you’re talking about how much a sadist enjoys hurting a submissive. The fact is, there are submissives out there who are sadists and Dominants who are masochists. How they make that work together may not look like what you expect a D/s relationship to look like. We tend to think of the Sadist as the Dominant, and most of the time that’s going to be true.

What about sadists who are submissives? Masochists who are Dominants? They absolutely exist, and what their dynamic is going to look like may well be entirely different from what you would expect a dynamic to look like.

Imagine a Dominant ordering their submissive to hurt them as much as possible with the tools provided. If the submissive cannot make the Dominant cry from the pain, then the submissive gets a punishment – and it may not be one that’s physically painful.

In trying to explain how this works I have written this next bit over and over and I just don’t think I can do it the justice it deserves. That said, I have known a rare case where the DD/lg dynamic was reversed and you had a LG/ds (Little Girl/daddy sub). While I’m sure there are more people like that out in the world, I haven’t met many of them personally. I have witnessed how this works from interactions with the couple and I still don’t know how to explain the nuance of it. It sounds as though it shouldn’t work, and yet it was absolutely the right thing for these two.

Which is also an important lesson to impart here: Even if your kink doesn’t look like a traditional kink dynamic, it’s still valid.

Who Is the Alpha Submissive?

This brings up a whole different idea of what it means to be submissive. While trying to explain the whole LG/ds idea, I likened it to an Alpha submissive, which isn’t accurate because the Little Girl in this arrangement wasn’t at all submissive, but the idea of an Alpha submissive is still apparent.

One’s mind might immediately jump to the idea of “Topping from the bottom” when you hear the term “Alpha sub.” That’s not what being an Alpha submissive is all about. There may be some aspects of a more Dominant personality within the submissive, but that doesn’t mean that they are attempting to Top their Dom. One could also assume that an Alpha submissive is one who is part of a Poly dynamic and is the head of the submissives. While this could very well be a place for an Alpha sub, they are also just as happy to exist in a monogamous dynamic.

If an Alpha sub isn’t trying to top from the bottom and if they don’t need other subs to “Top” then who are they and what do they do?

Alpha submissives tend to be very sure of themselves and focus heavily on presenting their Dominant with a version of themselves that is as close to perfection as possible. While they may possess a praise kink, they wouldn’t be the type to visibly melt at praise from their Dominant, but to take the words to heart and feel strengthened by them. An Alpha submissive will take initiative and have a solid grasp on their own life. They are proud of their submission and feel deeply about how it helps them to become better versions of themselves. It is often an Alpha sub that will start a community or a podcast aimed at helping other submissives in realizing their full potential.

There are many different types of submissives and not a one of them is inherently wrong. How you approach your submission and your service is between you and your Dominant and should be judged against how you see other submissives behaving.

There will absolutely be meek submissives and bold submissives out in the world and there is no wrong type of submissive. Your goal in finding a Dominant is finding one that can work with the type of submissive you are and help you achieve your goals in the way that works best for you. A Dominant shouldn’t try to mold a submissive into somebody they are not, but should help a submissive reach the potential of who they truly are.

In the End…

Your roles in kink do not have to match any predetermined archetype. How you approach Dominance and submission in your dynamic is something that will speak to you and guide you and your partner(s) into creating the best possible environment for your dynamic to work.

There can be Alpha subs and beta Doms. Little Girls who are Dominant to their submissive daddies, and a range of dynamics that create a vast and diverse culture for the entire kink community. Don’t think to shame somebody else’s dynamic simply because you do not understand it. Be proud of your dynamic and proud of who you are.

Go forth and get kinky!

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