How to Train Your Submissive: Days 11-30 of Building a Consensual Power Exchange Dynamic

Nov 14

written by Micah Brown

This is part 2 of the “How to Train Your Submissive: First 10 Days”, which we strongly suggest you read first.

I hadn’t considered turning this into a two-part piece until after the first section went on for as long as it did, and I believe it needed to. We’re covering twice as many days in this section, and that’s because much of the information from the first section will pertain here, but we don’t need to go over it in such detail again.

When we’re talking about submissives within the realm of kink, we are talking about people who tend to be naturally submissive. That doesn’t mean that they are weak, or soft-spoken, or even never to be found in leadership roles in the vanilla world. It means that they have a proclivity to be submissive to their partner. Generally speaking, and I do apologize for making generalizations, you’re not going to take somebody who is not naturally submissive and make them into a submissive who shares in a 24/7 total power exchange dynamic. Those who do not identify as submissive as a core tenant of who they are may still play the role within the confines of a bedroom, but they are not going to kneel before their Dominant every morning and make every action they perform an act of service for their Dominant, and there is nothing wrong with bedroom submissives and bedbroom Dominants. However, the focus here is on those who do identify as Dominant and those who identify as submissive and join into a consensual relationship that contains total power exchange.

I will make one quick note about switches here, and that is only to say that

Days 11-20: Reinforcing Routines, Raising Expectations, and Role Consistency

These next ten days allow you to settle more comfortably into your roles as Dominant and submissive. Usually by this point you’ve fallen into daily routine that works for you. This is also the point at which you bump up expectations and the severity of punishments if that is something that was agreed upon during your second check in. Whether or not these increases are going to be large or small all depends on comfort levels and boundaries that were set.

Pay attention to your routines. Make certain that they are being observed and make note of any areas that need improvement on both your parts. Remember, it’s not just the submissive who should have a routine set for them. The Dominant needs to be able to provide consistency and support to their submissive whenever it’s necessary so that they feel safe and comfortable.

Many Dominants who are first entering the world of kink do not fully understand the role of Dominant. I’ll reiterate this over and over, but being a Dom is not about spouting orders and demanding respect from your submissive. It is not about having a toy at your beck and call, even if that idea is part of your dynamic. It’s not about seeing your submissive as somebody who is “less than.” Being a Dominant is about guiding your submissive and helping them find the best of who they are and encouraging them to let that shine through.

When you are in a dynamic where your submissive’s role is often that of a fuck-doll or toy that’s often because they need to be able to empty their minds of their various stresses and not have to worry about anything other than what their Dom needs in that moment. On the flip side, if you’re a Dom who enjoys this type of play, you may also need to put your stresses out of your head by focusing your attentions on your “toy.”

This may seem like a tangent, but I want to bring it back around to training. At this point in your training journey you should be deeper into your roles, as I have stated. If you are in the type of Dynamic where a fuck-toy role is a big part of it, that means you will want to be upholding expectations around what that means, especially when it comes to free-use sexual activity. You absolutely need to know what that means for you dynamic and what it looks like. For instance, what is allowed during “free-use”? Vaginal? Oral? Anal? For some, Anal may be off the table for free use because it often requires a bit more warmup before the rectum is ready to take full penetration. Oral and vaginal are generally what’s up for free use, HOWEVER, there are those who enjoy being used anally in a free use scenario and who have done the requisite anal training to be able to take that (with lube, of course).

While the dynamics are very different once you dive into them, if you are involved in a Pet or Little dynamic, these next ten days are going to be about harping on routines. Both littles and pets often need to have structured bedtimes or they will simply stay up all night. Maybe this has been going well for you over the past ten days, but there comes a point where they may start to push boundaries a little and see how far they can go with it. Don’t allow them to push any boundaries and don’t allow for any “special circumstances” during these first 30 days because you set a precedent that there may be other special circumstances. If your pet has a crate to sleep in, this would be the time to start closing the door at night if you haven’t been closing yet.

For slaves, hold them to the expectations you set forth. Often, a slave will have a free-use and fuck-toy aspect to their role, but it’s not their entire role as they are required to perform other duties in the care, service, and possible worship of their Dominant. For slaves, during these next ten days make sure you don’t skimp on the punishments. Hold them fully accountable for their actions. If they honestly make a mistake, help them out by showing them the correct way to do something, but also provide a punishment to help ingrain that lesson.

Third Check-In: What’s Working, What’s Not, and How to Adjust

During this check-in you want to try and approach it from within the dynamic. You should both have notes about what’s working and what’s not working. There should be much fewer notes about what’s not working this time. If there is an increase in what’s not working, you may need to backtrack and start the process over depending on what’s causing the hangups. One thing you do not want to do is to push somebody into something they are not comfortable with. Things that may have seemed hot and exciting at the beginning, may start to feel less exciting. One thing I often hear from slaves is that it took time to figure out the expectations that really worked for them. That’s not to say every single task has to tickle your slave’s fancy, but there should be tasks that bring them a sense of peace and accomplishment. For my dynamic, it started out with my partner being in charge of sweeping and other domestic duties. It turns out, she hates sweeping with passion. However, she loves the whole process of making and serving coffee to me every morning. For her, that’s a task that requires a process to do correctly and that she views as a way to honor her Dominant. Sweeping is a chore that has to be done all the time because we have four dogs, so now that’s not a task she is required to do daily as my slave. That’s not to say I don’t toss it into her task list once or twice a week, but it’s not a daily thing for her to worry about anymore.

Remember, these check-ins are about two consenting adults who are agreeing to a dynamic that works for them within a kinky structure. What works for me, or you, or Jane over there, doesn’t work for everybody and we must respect the boundaries that others have in place, even if those boundaries don’t apply to us.

Days 21-30: Deepening Discipline, Clarifying Rewards and Punishments

These are the final ten days of your initial 30 days of training. I’ll say it again at the end, but just because you make it to the end of these 30 days doesn’t mean that training is over. It’s ongoing and will evolve around your life as your life changes. Don’t think that just because you have everything settled in this moment that you are simply able to move on and never have to worry about another check-in after your day 30 one, but I’ll talk more about additional check-ins later.

This is the point at which all your routines should be pretty fixed. Punishments and consequences should be fleshed out, boundaries and limits should be well understood, and both the Dominant and submissive should have a deep respect and understanding for the desires of the other – both sexual and kink (and they are not always bound together as one).

These ten days are going to be where you’re testing the full extent of your punishments (and you rewards). You will be able to become more relaxed when it’s play time and more comfortable with giving and receiving punishments. You may also find that incorporating your punishments into your playtime can add some additional spice – but be careful about doing that so punishments don’t become something that are looked forward to. The means finding a way to differentiate between Funishments and Punishments. I talked about this a little in the first part of this series, but remember that Funishments are something that a submissive, especially the brat type, tend to look forward to. Also remember, one person’s Funishment could very well be somebody else’s punishment. My slave hates being tickled, for example. I use that as an actual punishment because she hates it so much. But I HAVE had partners in the past that loved tickles and so it was a Funishment and form of foreplay for us. Don’t assume because somebody you were in the past enjoyed something, the person you’re with now will also enjoy it. Or vice versa.

Always ask your submissive if they understand the reason for their punishment. While the first twenty days you’re often explaining why they are being punished, at this point they should have a good grasp on what they did wrong. If they don’t, then you do want to explain to them the exact reason for the punishment before administering it. That way, they are able to take in the lesson with a clear head before managing whatever the punishment happens to be.

The important thing is to always keep open the lines of communication. You don’t have to wait for a check-in to bring up anything that’s bothering you. If you’re the Dominant, have your submissive kneel and bring up whatever the issue is. If you’re the submissive, you want to kneel and ask permission to broach a subject (if kneeling is part of your dynamic – you may have another way to show respect and that’s fine).

Fourth Check-In: Evaluating Long-Term Compatibility and Subtle Protocols

I considered calling this “Final Check-In” but it shouldn’t be your final check-in. Instead, assuming everything goes well here, you should check-in about once a month to discuss how the dynamic is going and make sure everybody is still happy. If there are any major changes in your lives, like pregnancy, large moves, family emergencies that need to be dealt with, or other such events, it’s important to have conversations about what that means for your dynamic and how you want to approach it.

Children are one of the biggest challenges I hear about in terms of a dynamic. How do you maintain a 24/7 TPE with a family that you don’t want to show that dynamic to? The long answer to that will be another article in the future as I am kinkster who also has children and has to work kink around family. The short answer here is finding ways to be subtle in your dynamic around others. Think of how you approach it in public or at family gatherings. Hand signals, pet names in place of whatever honorific you use for your Dominant, words and phrases that carry a certain meaning and should elicit a specific action from your submissive.

What Comes After the First 30 Days of Training?

Assuming everything went pretty well over these past 30 days, you can move forward in your dynamic fairly confident that it’s going to be something that fulfills both of you. If things didn’t go well, dig into why it didn’t go well, what could be changed, and see if you can land on a solution and start the 30 days over and see if things are better.

Just because the first time didn’t go as you’d planned doesn’t mean it won’t work out. Just like any relationship, a kink dynamic needs to flexible and maintain open communication at all times. It will ebb and flow and you may find times when the dynamic feels paused, or even times when it needs to be paused for various reasons.

From here, go forth. Start your training. Have fun. Be kinky.