written by Micah Brown

Some people may experience minor changes to their kink identity over time while others may have full-on shifts in where they stand. Somebody who started out as a meek little could end up being a Dominant sadist who enjoys causing pain to their playmates and vice versa. Kink helps us explore aspects of ourselves we may not have realized existed beneath all the layers. When people say that being kinky goes well beyond the physical sensations of BDSM, this is what they mean. Kink is deeply psychological and, as research has found, very healthy for those who practice it ethically.

Who Do You Think You Are?

When did you start considering your kink? At what point did you realize some of the thoughts you had may not fit within so-called “societal norms?” For myself, I remember seeing the cover of the Dungeon Master’s Guide from Dungeons and Dragons way back in the 1980s. On the cover was a demon-looking monster holding a woman in his hand who was scraped up and battle-worn. I remember thinking that I thought her scrapes and bruises were really attractive, and began to wonder if there were women out there who would enjoy being hurt. I spent a good deal of time being afraid of myself because of that, worrying that I was going to become a serial killer, but never once did I want to do anything to anybody who wasn’t going to get pleasure out of what I was doing. It was a long time coming to that understanding and finding kink and the idea of sadism and masochism, complementary kinks, but I eventually got there.

Getting from that beginning phase to a point where I was comfortable with my own desires wasn’t a straight line or even a short trip. To this day, I still have moments when I wonder if I’m a terrible person because I like putting needles through my slave’s nipples and making her cry while I cut her. On the other side of that, there’s the look of absolute bliss on her face when we’re done with an intense session and the lightness that comes over both of us when we’ve fed our various kinky needs.

For a long time, my wife had leaned harder into being a switch and had never considered that she might be a slave, but when we started dating and talking about our kinks, she realized that what she was looking for was a much more slave-focused experience in the D/s realm. We took things slow in that regard, talking about what we wanted from such a dynamic, and finding ways to build that dynamic between us over time.

Now she identifies heavily as a slave and myself as a Master.

Redefining What It Means to Be a Master or a Dom(me)

But, it’s important to note that what being a Master means has changed for me over the years as well. At first, I didn’t think I was a Master. I didn’t want to own a person, and what did that even mean? Was owning somebody in such a way an affront to our history? Instead, I identified as a strict Dom who had very high expectations for the submissives who I was with, though at times not fully accepting who I was turned out to be detrimental to my relationships whether it was because my partner wanted something more (like a Master), or they were less kinky than I was and didn’t want to enter into something 24/7 the way I wanted to.

The older I got and the more experience I had, the more I began to realize that I was much more of a Master type than just a Dominant. Part of this was starting to understand what a Master was in terms of the kink and BDSM community, and what I wanted to be as a Master.

I didn’t want to be in control of somebody’s bodily functions, which I had heard at one point was part of being a Master. The idea that you tightly controlled every aspect of a person’s life wasn’t something that I wanted, and therefore, at first, I thought I couldn’t be a Master. As I learned and experienced more, I saw that being a Master wasn’t necessarily about behaving in such a way toward my partner. Yes, that type of Master absolutely does exist, and there is nothing wrong with it, but it wasn’t the type of Master I wanted to be.

I met a Mistress at one point, with whom I started talking. She owned a slave, but wasn’t the type of Dominant I had imagined for that scenario. Her goal as a Mistress was to guide her slave and help them become the best version of themselves. That meant giving them accountability for their actions beyond bedroom activities. It means encouraging them to step outside their comfort zones in the real world as well as kneeling and performing slave duties for their Mistress in the home.

I began to develop my own idea of what I wanted to be as a Master. As I leaned more into it, I also began to realize that there were many misconceptions around being a Master from submissives in the kink community as well. They didn’t want a Master because they didn’t want to lose themselves in the idea of what somebody else was. Whereas I didn’t want an automaton slave who just became whoever I wanted them to be. Instead, I wanted somebody who had a strong sense of self and who understood the gravity of giving themselves over to me as a slave. I wanted a woman who understood what it was to be slave, to choose to submit to me, while choosing not to submit to the rest of the world. I wanted to help build them into a more confident version of themselves who took pride in their place as a slave while not allowing themselves to be walked all over.

Introducing my partner to anybody who didn’t know our dynamic as a slave would have them looking at us cross-eyed because she is not submissive in the rest of her life.

Where are you in your journey of kink identity? Do you have a good idea of who you are and what you want? Don’t think for a moment that once you have it figured out, that’s what it will be forever. People change over time. Our desires change, our drives change, and our experiences help to shape us into who we will become. Don’t put yourself in a box and then think it’s the only thing you can ever be and certainly don’t think that your kink identity will never change. Even if you remain a Dom or a sub for your entire life, the manner in which you approach that identity and the way in which that identity is defined will change over time, and that’s good. Let your kink identity evolve and change with you.

Change is Inevitable (and Good)

Drastic change happens, but most of the time the changes you go through with your kink identity will be more subtle. You may go from being a Dom to a sub, or a sub to a Dom-leaning switch, and all of that is okay. Your personal kinky journey is just that: Personal.

Who you were ten years ago isn’t who you are now, but it will help inform who you have become. And who you are now will inform who you will be ten years from now. Maybe you’re still in the same role you were in, maybe you’ve started leaning into your switch nature. Maybe you’ve decided to completely abandon who you thought you were and become the opposite of what you have been. It doesn’t matter so long as you remain true to who you are in those moments. If you were a Dom and now you’re a sub, don’t be ashamed by that. Submissives are certainly not to be treated with any less respect than a Dominant when dealing with people in the world (I know degradation kinks are a thing and between consenting adults, this can be very fun).

Allowing yourself to change and adapt to the new you will only help to strengthen your own confidence and sense of self-worth. Accept these changes, embrace them, and allow them to shine through.

Changes in work, relationships, location, and other aspects of life will always have an effect on your kink and your role within it. This is natural, and it’s good. Let these changes occur and embrace them when you recognize them.