written by Micah Brown

This article was written in response to one of the questions asked in the “Ask Me Anything” box on Instagram. AMA Monday happens every first Monday of the month. Come join us to have your questions answered!

There is quite a bit of talk about trad (‘traditional’ wife/husband) relationships and roles happening out in the world today. When people talk about being a “trad wife” it is often a reference to a housewife lifestyle mimicking the 1950s ideal housewife role. Being a “trad husband” reflects the idea that the male is the primary breadwinner and can provide for the entire family by going to work every day and bringing in a decent paycheck.

Many in the feminist community tend to rail against the idea of a Trad Wife, which is understandable considering where women used to be seen in society – as the property of their husband. What this has allowed to happen is for the traditional male role of breadwinner is now held by more women and the more traditional role of stay-at-home parent is now held by more men than in the past. Can we do better? Absolutely. But now with growing acceptance of trans people and new gender roles and definitions, the lines between male and female begin to blur.

This is a good thing for society, over all.

Now, what does any of this have to do with kink? How does a Trad dynamic work within a dynamic in which the participants don’t follow stereotypical gender norms?

Trad Roles

For the purposes of this piece I’m going to talk about the Domestic Role and the Breadwinner Role in an effort to remove the idea of gender from these roles as any gender has the potential to fit into whatever role they feel best suits them and their dynamic goals.

As those who were primarily in the domestic role will tell you, it’s not simply sitting at home and day-drinking while watching your Soaps. Keeping a house in working order is a job in and of itself. Add children into the mix, and your domestic duties take more time and energy than nearly any employment. As a stay-at-home parent, you are seemingly always on call even when you’re sick, and vacations away from home are just you doing your job somewhere else. And yes, being a parent is rewarding if it’s something you want to be doing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t also exhausting (says this parent).

Meanwhile, the breadwinner would go to work and focus on growing in their job of choice, earning more every year, and advancing their position to better care for those who are at home.

Kink and Trad Roles

Kink, in its many forms, frequently revolves around power dynamics. Master/slave, Dominant/submissive, sub-leaning Switch, Caretaker/little… Bringing a Trad lifestyle into your dynamic is no different. The fact that you can create a Trad Dynamic within your current dynamic can help define the roles you have and help you bond.

Now, I know wheels are turning and you immediately have the idea that the one who is in the role of the Domestic partner must be the submissive. This doesn’t have to be the case at all. The Dominant is just as capable of being the one who stays home and runs the house. What’s important is that each partner play to their strengths within the dynamic.

If you do have a domestic partner who is the Dominant in the dynamic, they may be very particular about how things are done and need to feel directly in control of those items. Maybe that’s keeping the house clean, maybe it’s taking care of finances, perhaps it’s keeping track of everybody’s schedule so that everything runs as efficiently as possible, or maybe it’s a combination of these. That doesn’t mean that the submissive who leaves for work every day doesn’t have duties or tasks that need to be taken care of for the Dominant. One of their tasks may be going to work and earning the money that allows the family to continue to live the life they have and afford the things they are able to afford. Other tasks may include some domestic seeming chores when they get home from work such as cleaning up the kitchen or getting the children ready for bed.

A submissive who is in the domestic role will often be given a list of tasks to complete during the day. It may be cleaning, doing the shopping, running the errands, and keeping the bills paid. These items are taken care of for the ease of their Dominant, so that when their Dominant arrives home from being the breadwinner, the Dominant is able to provide care and attention to their submissive and take care of whatever duties they need to manage within the home. While the common view of a submissive who is the domestic in the dynamic may seem very “house spouse,” it’s important to remember that these roles, Master/slave and Domestic/Breadwinner, are agreed upon by those who exist within the dynamic.

A Modern Twist on Trad

The idea of a stay-at-home partner and a partner who goes to work every day has become a fantasy of sorts for many. With the world costing as much as it does now, the idea that a household can live off a single income has become much less likely. So, with life being very different than it was when “trad” roles were the norm, how can we bring this idea into a world where both partners may be working and nobody is “stay-at-home” anymore?

The short answer is that everything that needs to get done around the house still needs to get done. Children still need to be cared for, floors need to be cleaned, dinner needs to be made, and bills have to be paid. Life itself can become very chaotic and often things can start to feel overwhelming. While it may sound vanilla, setting up list of household tasks that need to be accomplished and splitting those items up between those who live in the home can help reduce that feeling of chaos. However, when a kink dynamic comes up with these types of separations, they tend to lean into the more “trad” roles for they approach those splits. In this case, you may see the submissive focusing more on things like cooking and cleaning, while the Dominant may focus on keeping the finances, vehicle care, and yard management.

Creating “Trad” tasks for the dynamic can help reaffirm the Dominant/submissive dynamic. The submissive may have the task of bringing tea or coffee to their Dominant while the Dominant is working on fiances and waiting on their knees next to their Dominant for further instructions. Or perhaps the submissive is to do household chores in a specific outfit that is appealing to the Dominant.

In Closing

One does not have to be a woman to perform domestic tasks, nor does one have to be a man to be the breadwinner in the house. The idea of gender that we, as a society, have held onto for so long no longer fits many people who are discovering who they are and what they feel comfortable with. Straight men can wear dresses and skirts, women can wear a suit and tie. Ask the band KISS about straight men wearing makeup.

Gender norms are made up societal structures that limit nearly everybody’s ability to express who they are. We don’t need to placed into a box in order to exist as a man or a woman. We don’t need to be assigned specific roles to feel “masculine” or “feminine.” The roles we inhabit in life and kink are the ones we choose to exist in, and that means that when it comes to “Trad” style dynamics within kink, it doesn’t matter what your gender happens to be so long as you and your partner have agreed to the dynamic and expectations that each role possesses for you.