written by Micah Brown

How to talk to your partner about trying BDSM cover

Having kinky desires and being unsure if your partner does or not can be a little nerve-wracking. What if they don’t find your kink appealing at all? What if they don’t want to try it or are embarrassed by it? We’re going to spend some time looking at how to approach your partner about BDSM when you’re unsure what their stance is on the topic and help you to get where you want to go on your kinky journey.

How to Start the Conversation About BDSM and Kink

The Direct Approach

The most effective way to get an answer is simply to ask your partner if they’re kinky. It’s direct and gets immediately to the point. As much as we talk about direct communication here, this may also not be the best way to approach the subject. “Being kinky” means different things to different people.

Let’s take a look at a possible scenario.

YOU: Are you kinky at all? (Thinking about bondage and light spanking as being kinky)

PARTNER: Not at all! (Thinking kinky is water sports, bruising, beating, and backdoor excuse for abuse)

If you want to go the direct route, maybe approaching it a little differently would be beneficial. Perhaps something like this would be a better way to go about it:

YOU: So, I might be a little kinky.

PARTNER: How so? (Fear of the unknow fueled by media’s misunderstanding of kink)

YOU: I want you to tie me up and spank me/I want to tie you up and spank you!

PARTNER: (Relief) Okay! That could be fun.

This approach may get you to a point you want to be more quickly. The downside is that sometimes somebody hears the word “kinky” and immediately makes some assumptions about what that means. If that’s the case, a softer approach may be more effective to get where you want to be.

Coming at Kink Sideways

Leaving the word “kink” out of your conversation may prove to be beneficial depending on the individual you’re attempting to talk to about your “darker” urges.

Think about the second scenario above and instead of stating that you might be kinky, perhaps you want to start by asking if they’d like to tie you up or be tied up during your next sexual adventure. Start with smaller things like cuffs or maybe blindfolds. Something that can be used to springboard your experimentation with kink.

If you ever do roleplay with your partner, you might want to try suggesting some kinkier scenarios that could help introduce your partner to kink in a more comfortable and familiar manner.

Using Media as a Conversation Starter

There is a ton of media out there that has various depictions of BDSM and kink, ranging from straight-up porn to more literary and artistic endeavors. Using those media sources can be a good conversation starter about kink as a whole with your partner.

The 50 Shades series of books and their film adaptation can be a good place to start talking about bad examples of kink. Anybody who ignores the use of your safe word because “they know better than you” is committing sexual assault. And that’s just one of the problems with that series.

If you want some good examples of kink in film to start discussions with, you may want to check out the light-hearted Love & Leashes on Netflix. This is a great introduction to kink that doesn’t rely on heavy, serious themes, and shows the awkwardness of negotiating and learning about kink.

Literary kink is a little easier to find, but good literary kink is a bit more ellusive. While not direclty a novel about kink, the book Fledgling by Octavia E. Butler touches on the ideas of consent, pain, and pleasure through the story of a vampire.

Take the time to talk about what you’ve watched or read with your partner and see what may turn them on. You might be pleasantly surprised.

The Seduction

This might lean slightly more into a Direct Approach, while keeping it a little less obvious. In this scenario, you simply bring it into the bedroom. That doesn’t mean you lay out seven different floggers, butt plugs, a strap-on, and six vibrators or that you act without permission. What it means is that maybe you put on your sexiest sexy times attire and dangle some handcuffs from your finger while motioning for your partner to come join you in the bed. Then you can either move to hand them the cuffs and offer your wrists, or you can take their hand and ask them if they’d like to try being cuffed to the bed during sexy times. Observe their reaction, body language, and withdraw if they are clearly not into it.

In either case, you will want to discuss a safe word that can be used to end the session so everybody feels comfortable and safe going into it.

Taking Your Kink Dynamic Beyond the Bedroom

Questions to ask yourself before bringing up kink with your partner

So, let’s say that you’ve been having kinky fun in the bedroom for a while, but you’re thinking of deepening the kink you have into something that also exists outside of the bedroom and becomes a part of your everyday life. That doesn’t mean that you have to jump into a 24/7 power exchange dynamic. It could mean that you’re ready to take some baby-steps toward a possible 24/7 dynamic, or it could mean that you just want something between the two extremes.

The important thing is to communicate exactly what you’re looking for when you sit down to talk to your partner.

Talk about what you enjoy about the kink you’re sharing in the bedroom. Talk about how your role in that kink makes you feel, whether you’re a Dominant or a submissive. Express not only the physical sensations of what happens, but the emotional ones as well. You very well could find that you’re suffering sub-drop or Dom-drop after scenes without fully understanding what they are or why you feel that way (please check out our articles on Drop to gain a better understanding of what Drop is).

As the submissive

Approaching your partner about your desire to submit to them on a deeper level can feel frightening. If you’ve already been playing at Domination and submission in the bedroom, the topic will be a little easier to bring up.

Make certain when you talk to your partner about wanting to submit more, you are clear about what you mean by that and can speak confidently about your desires and wants as a submissive. Being a submissive is not about being a doormat, despite what some media outlets might want you to believe.

Explain in what ways you want to be able to submit outside of the bedroom in non-sexual ways and provide service to your partner who you want to be your Dom. Talk to them about where your current limits are for your submission and ask them what their limits are as well. It is possible that your partner may not feel comfortable with every aspect of your desired submission and it’s important to respect their limits.

Consider the following points when talking to your partner:

How much control do you ultimately want them to have in your life?
How can they help you become a better version of yourself?
How can you help them to become a better version of themselves?
What is your ideal dynamic in a perfect situation?

Any dynamic needs to have a conversation about limits and safe words. Whether that’s in the bedroom or outside in the world at large, knowing what each other’s boundaries are, knowing what is going too far, is incredibly important.

One important note about wanting to discuss being submissive, you never want to tell your partner, or potential partner, that you have “No limits.” Everybody has limits and knowing what yours are is very important and helps to keep everybody safe.

As the Dominant

A great amount of anxiety can come from telling your partner you want to be their Dominant. If it’s a discussion you’re even thinking of having with your partner, be sure that there is some kind of precedent set, or asking to be somebody’s Dom may not go over well with them. If you are playing around with roles in the bedroom or talking about alternative activities in the bedroom, then having this conversation isn’t going to be coming out of the blue.

If what appeals to you about being a Dom is the idea of having full control over somebody else and constantly having access to sex without question, then you need to do more research into the psychology behind kink and rethink your entire approach.

When you do approach your partner about the possibility of being their Dom, you want to make sure you explain what that means to you. Start small, telling them what aspects of being a Dom appeal to you and why you want to be their Dom specifically. It’s one thing to be a “Dom” and another to be their Dom, and making them understand that it is all about them will help you win some points and get the conversation going further.

When you sit down to talk to your partner, consider the following:

What aspects of being a Dom will benefit both you and your partner
How can being a Dominant to your partner help them become a more fully realized version of themselves?
How can being a Dominant help you become the best version of yourself?
Ask your partner what they think the benefits would be of taking on this type of dynamic

Remember that being a Dom is a huge undertaking and requires a level of responsibility you need to fully understand before taking on the role. It is one thing to have fun in the bedroom with some whips and chains, a whole other thing to support your submissive into becoming the best version of themselves, holding them accountable, and creating expectations and routines that work for both of you.

It could be that after all is said and done, you may end up with a submissive who is a “free use” submissive and available for sex without you having to ask – but that is not something that will happen immediately and you must start slowly.

Littles, Middles, and Caretakers

When it comes to anything around age play, the idea of discussing this with a partner can cause even more anxiety. Are they going to think that you’re secretly something more intense than a kinkster? How will they feel about you wanting them to call you Mommy or Daddy? Or how will they feel if that’s what you want to call them? Will they think you’re childish if what you do is want to act childish?

These are all valid fears to have in a world that doesn’t fully understand the DD/lg or MD/lb dynamics. What the world tends to see are Caretaker roles who really just want to be with children instead of realizing that it’s two adults who have come to an agreement through negotiation and play to live in a dynamic that works for them.

Being into a caretaker/little dynamic doesn’t mean anybody is actually wishing for minors to take part in their play. Instead, it allows the little to express their inner child when in the privacy of their own home, allowing them to not be judged for wanting to color or play with dolls. From the stance of the caretaker, it fulfills the need of being a caretaker to somebody. There are some pretty deep dives into the psychology of this type of play you can find, but it all boils down to the fact that consenting adults are the ones involved.

When you bring this up with your partner, talk to them about that. Let them know that you’re not looking for a child, but that you want them to be able to express their child-like wonder and allow the stress of the world to melt away while they do traditionally childish things.

If you want your partner to be your caretaker, talk to them about why you want to allow yourself to be more childlike and what you want that to look like.

Things to consider when you’re talking about creating this type of dynamic:

What appeals to you about being more childlike/your partner being more childlike?
How do you think being a caretaker will benefit you in your life/how do you think your partner being your caretaker will help them in their life?
Do you want to create rules of behavior, set bedtimes, and be deeply involved in the minutiae of the childlike role?
Will you develop consequences for misbehaviors?

Tying it All Together

Wanting to get involved in kink and being unsure if your partner feels the same way can be frightening.

However you decide to approach the topic of kink with your partner, the important part of it is, as always, communication. Be open, be honest, and make sure that your approach allows your partner to process your desires.

Starting out with: “I’m kinky and I want you to start shoving needles through my privates so I can cum harder” probably isn’t the best way to go about it, but you will get a good sense of what they may be into if you attempt to be that blunt about it (not everybody involved in kink wants to have needles shoved through their privates – this is an extreme example to make a point).

More important than being honest with your partner is being honest with yourself. If kink is something that’s an important part of who you are and something that you need to have in your relationship, then you may find you have some difficult decisions to make if your partner isn’t into kink.

Living as your authentic self with a partner who supports and desires every aspect of who you are is going to be far more fulfilling than trying to tamp down parts of yourself so you can fit into the type of box a partner wants you to fit into.

Be open. Be honest. Have fun.