Non-Sexual Kink: Exploring BDSM Without Sex or Arousal
written by Micah Brown
When people think about kink and BDSM their minds will inevitably turn to sex. Our culture has linked the idea of kink and sex together so firmly that it has become nearly impossible to hear about BDSM and not think about sex in that context. What surprises many to hear is that there are those people out there who practice BDSM and kink without any sex or sexual arousal from the acts they engage in.
For those already in the kink community, this isn’t actually a big surprise. There is quite a bit that goes into a BDSM dynamic that goes beyond the sexual. While sex may be a cornerstone for many dynamics, it is not actually the foundation upon which kink rests, which is why having a completely non-sexual kink dynamic really isn’t surprising in the grand scheme of things.
What Does Non-Sexual Kink Look Like?
The images of a submissive bound and beaten and getting fucked by the dominant is almost always the image that comes to mind when people mention BDSM. What they don’t think about is everything that happens outside of the sex. Take the sex out of a BDSM dynamic and, in most cases, you still have a dynamic.
Unless you’re going to dungeons where sex occurs openly, what you see of a BDSM dynamic in “safe” spaces is pretty much what happens in non-sexual kink. In all likelihood, you have a Dominant partner and a submissive partner (or more than one partner) who take part in some level of a power exchange dynamic. Even if you have two switches, one of them will generally be in Dom mode and the other in sub mode – but this is a generalization, so be sure to take it with a grain of salt or three.
The role of the Dominant in non-sexual kink is going to be pretty much the same as the role of a Dominant in kink that includes sexuality. The Dominant can come across as being a hard Dom, soft Dom, Daddy Dom, or any other of the myriad of Dom types out there. The same for submissives who may be brats, littles, slaves, or just lean submissive with the need for some guidance from a Dominant.
Non-sexual dynamics can be just as deep and involved as dynamics that involve sex. A submissive or slave can be just as dedicated to their chosen Dom as any sexual slave or sub.
Asexuality and Kink
Asexuals and kink have a long-standing relationship. The depth to which a dynamic can impact the participants is not dependent upon sex, just as asexuals know that a deep love and connection don’t depend on sex or sexual activity either. That doesn’t mean that seeking pleasure from a BDSM relationship isn’t off the table, but their pleasure is going to look different than the pleasure of somebody who is working their way toward a sexual encounter at the end of the play session.
Sensation Play Without Sexual Intention
Whether you’re asexual or you’re somebody who enjoys kink without the sex, there is still a vast amount of pleasure that can be gleaned from an intense kink scene.
While those who do not participate in the BDSM community may not understand the pleasure that can come from getting spanked so hard your ass turns black for a week, those who do enjoy such things get a release of endorphins during a scene. The one providing the impact that creates the bruises also gets their own dose of endorphins.
Even if you’re somebody who doesn’t enjoy hard play and heavy bruising, there’s sensory play. Being blindfolded and touched lightly with various objects can bring one’s brain to that sub-space where the world becomes floaty and thoughts turn to mush, and all the troubles that existed in your brain float away on little clouds and allow you to experience stillness in your brain, if only for those moments. Feathers, pinwheels (lightly applied), and even low-voltage electricity delivered through something like a Violet Wand can provide low-level stimulation that can bring pleasure without the pain and help the submissive fall into their ethereal brain-space.
Dominance and Submission in Non-Sexual Dynamics
Another aspect of sex-free BDSM is a strong D/s dynamic. The outsiders view of a D/s relationship being one where a Dominant is taking advantage of a submissive for the purposes of their own pleasure is slowly being eroded as education about BDSM and kink is made more available. That doesn’t mean those ideas still exist out there, but we are seeing improvements in how they are viewed.
Much of the relationship that occurs within the D/s dynamic is non-sexual. A submissive or slave has tasks to complete, generally on a daily basis. These tasks may rotate from day to day, or be expected to be done every day. These tasks can be anything from sending a picture of what they’re going to wear that day to making sure that they drink enough water, spend X amount of time on a work project, take fifteen minutes to relax and meditate after work, or take off their Dominant’s shoes when they arrive home. In most healthy, long-term BDSM dynamics, many of the tasks that are given to the submissive are to help them find ways to become confident, less hard on themselves, and better able to find ways to care for themselves.
An entire day’s worth of tasks may not have a single sexual task listed, and that’s in a D/s dynamic that is sexual.
When it comes to punishments and consequences, a sex-free dynamic may still have things like spankings, but any sort of sexual punishment (or funishment) won’t be on the list. Littles may still have to write lines, have corner time, or be “grounded,” but none of those things will end up with any kind of sexual aspect to it.
Understanding Professional Kink Without Sex Work
While many may think immediately about sex work, that’s not the direction we’re headed here, though it is understandable that you may have considered it. A Professional Dominatrix or Dominant is not considered a sex worker and may legally practice their trade in many places across the world. The reason they can do this is that they are not selling sex or sexuality. When you sit down with a professional to discuss your scene, what you want, and where your limits are, they will clearly explain to you that the session is not about sex and that you won’t be receiving anything overtly sexual from them.
While not as common, the same sort of understanding is found for professional submissives as well. While you might be allowed to hit them, even bruise them, you are not allowed to engage in sexual acts with them.
The lack of sex in these professions shows that Kink and BDSM go well beyond the need for sex. It is not uncommon for professional Doms and subs to have clients that are regulars. There needs to be a significant amount of trust built up even within a professional setting, and the Doms and subs are always happy to cater to their regulars because they can often trust them.
What’s more is that professional kink has now found a home online as well. Cam-Doms and cam-subs you can pay for the pleasure of dominating or being dominated from the comfort of your laptop or phone. While it is possible to be a little more sexual with a cam-professional, it really isn’t the sex that people see these professionals for.
Finishing Up: Embracing Non-Sexual Pleasure in BDSM
As there are a variety of vanilla-type relationships out there, so are there also a myriad of BDSM styles and dynamics. Because one doesn’t work for you doesn’t make it inherently wrong – it just means it’s not for you.
Equating kink and BDSM with sex may be what’s societally accepted, but it’s also not the whole truth. As strange as it may sound, it is possible to have a BDSM dynamic with your primary partner that isn’t based around sex, and then have a very vanilla sex life with that same partner. However, you need to live your dynamic to get what you need from it, assuming consent from all parties, is entirely up to you.
Non-sexual kink is more prevalent than one might think, and that’s okay. Most of what kink is actually happens to be pretty non-sexual. Pleasure isn’t just about orgasms.
