4 Steps to Successfully Pausing Your D/s Dynamic

written by Maja Metera

This article is part one of a guide to successfully pausing, maintaining, and re-entering the D/s dynamic. We also prepared checklists and an Obedience template to help you organize your thoughts. Read all three parts of the guide to find them all!

In an ideal world, we would be able to practice BDSM without worrying about work, studies, children, or our health. We would be free to do whatever we want. However, this is not the case, and life often gets in the way of happily practicing kink. There are times during which engaging in BDSM is more difficult or even impossible - be it due to mental capacity being preoccupied with problems or new responsibilities or due to physical time constraints of a new job, address, or a baby in your life. When life gets in the way of your Dominant-submissive dynamic remaining a bright spot in your life, by turning it into another chore, it is often best to put the dynamic on pause. Then, as an old saying goes, longing makes the heart grow fonder. So, while not engaging in some or all aspects of power exchange within your established dynamic and focusing on life context, we reset our attitude towards kink.

Preparing To Pause The D/s Dynamic

Pausing your dynamic does not have to resemble hitting the brakes in an emergency, causing everything around you to fall forward, causing damage. You can - and absolutely should - treat this time for what it is: renegotiating the terms of your dynamic.

1. Open Dialogue About Pausing Your Dynamic

Firstly, spend some time with your thoughts and build a convincing, factual argument about the necessity of the pause. Considering why you need the pause and putting it in words will help ensure all partners understand the reasons behind this process.

Keep the dialogue open, and be prepared. This heavy and important topic can cause emotional reactions and take multiple attempts to discuss thoroughly. During that time, address any concerns that might arise from insecurities or anxious attachment. Therefore, it is essential to discuss the terms of the pause and consider how each partner feels about the pause and what they hope to achieve.

2. Set Boundaries and Guidelines for the Time of Pause

Once you have raised the topic, you should discuss two elements: technical changes and the needs that can arise from them.

Firstly, establish which dynamic elements will be paused - such as formal rituals or scenes, and which may continue, e.g., means of address, wearing a day collar, etc. Try to write down how each of those changes will positively impact how you handle your ongoing contextual situation.

Starting and maintaining a D/s pause can feel destabilizing to each partner, threatening their sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. However, it would be best to remember that it is a pause in practice, not a breakup and end of the D/s dynamic. You remain partners in your dynamic, and you remain kinky - it just is not supposed to be as prominent a part of your joint life as you would like it to be. This can bring up a lot of doubts and emotional as well as physical needs. We encourage you to foresee them coming and be prepared.

How will you meet those needs in a vanilla relationship setting?

3. Write a Temporary BDSM Contract Amendment

Once you discuss possible changes to your dynamic, it is recommended that you write them down, especially if you have a written BDSM contract in place. Document:

• the agreed terms, including boundaries, expectations, and temporary role changes

• the pause duration

• a checklist of what elements are paused and what can continue, such as communication protocols.

Keep the document close to your original dynamic contract. This helps prevent misunderstandings and provides a reference point.

4. Plan Relationship Check-ins

Lastly, before you go on, take out your calendars and mark the dates when you will have check-ins. Plan dedicated time to discuss feelings, changes in the context, progress, and any adjustments needed. Use this time to reassess the situation together. These relationship meetings ideally would be weekly or bi-weekly, but the frequency depends on your needs.