How to re-enter the Dom/sub Dynamic in 4 steps

written by Maja Metera

If you are considering taking a break from engaging in power exchange within your established relationship - please check part one of this series first, where we explain how to set yourself up for success when taking a break from D/s, and part two, in which we guide you through the pause itself. Now it is time to reintroduce power exchange back into your love life.

1. Review and Reflect on the Time of Pause

As you go on and ride the wave of your Dominant-submissive relationship being on pause, make sure that you are staying mindful of changes. Use your regular check-ins as a reminder to reflect on the pause period. Discuss what has been working and what has not so much.

When you get closer to the estimated (so not set in stone!) date when you are supposed to press the “play” button on kink again, focus especially on whether the reason for the pause has passed and whether you have recovered from the circumstances enough to feel ready for participating in BDSM play.

Then, when everyone wants to end the pause, review the amendment to your contract to make any necessary adjustments based on your reflections and our remaining step (now you have to keep reading)

“Never the same river twice” - Heraclitus

The most important is to remember that you should not aim to go back to how things were between you before you put your kinky side on pause. You have gained experience and knowledge, and you both grew - use it to make the dynamic work well for your present self, not who you were in the past.

2. Gradually Reintroduce BDSM into the Relationship

Start with clearly re-establishing roles and smaller responsibilities while ensuring both partners are comfortable with the speed of re-entering the dynamic. Gradually build up to the full dynamic, allowing time for adjustment and acclimatization. You can do that by gradually reintroducing rituals and protocols. Start with small, manageable elements such as a simple daily coffee-making ritual or specific terms of address. You can reintroduce using the Obedience App with one habit at a time, too.

Do not discard the habit of having relationship check-ins as - as the dynamic is fully functioning - they help maintain regular communication and address any concerns to prevent misunderstandings and maintain a harmonious dynamic.

3. Plan Kinky Quality Time

Now, it is time to move. You might need to put extra effort in - a stronger first push, if you will - to kick-start the BDSM engine within you. It means that in the same way, you were getting familiar with no power exchange as a foundation of your relationship; now, you need to dedicate time to D/s activities to acknowledge the dynamic consciously. This can include planned scenes, rituals, or time spent otherwise reinforcing the power exchange.

4. Seek the BDSM Community’s Support

Especially if your dynamic is facing obstacles or difficulties, such as taking a break from it, consider seeking some problem-solving support or a shoulder to cry on from another kinkster - a mentor, a friend, or a therapist experienced in D/s dynamics.

Utilize resources like books, workshops, or online communities (such as the Obedience Discord server) to help navigate challenges and positively impact your understanding of the situation as a whole.

This should be an ongoing, stable element of your BDSM experience.

Series Conclusion

In conclusion, pausing your D/s dynamic can be daunting and scary, but the Devil is not as black as he is painted. It can be a thoughtful and deliberate process that can ultimately strengthen the bond between partners - instead of ruining it.

We hope the steps outlined in this guide (see part 1 - before and part 2 - during the pause) help you understand the importance of open communication, setting clear boundaries, and maintaining a connection through challenging periods. Everything we discussed has its roots in the core of BDSM and was included to ensure that all partners' needs are acknowledged and addressed during the pause. 

To summarise, maintaining the vanilla aspect of the relationship during this time is crucial, as it ideally should be based on mutual respect and communication, just like a BDSM dynamic. Engaging in non-D/s activities and prioritizing mutual affection and support helps to keep the relationship resilient and partners connected. Nonetheless, in all this craziness surrounding holding in your urges, self-care and individual growth should not be overlooked.

Additionally, a gradual and mindful approach is key when it comes time to re-enter the D/s dynamic. First, you should take time to reflect on the pause period, reassess the dynamics, and make necessary adjustments to the BDSM contract to facilitate a smoother transition. Following, slowly reintroducing rituals and protocols will allow partners to acclimate and rebuild the dynamic in a way that respects their evolved selves.

Ultimately, the journey of pausing, maintaining, and re-entering a D/s dynamic involves patience, understanding, and mutual respect. By following these guidelines, partners can navigate the complexities of their relationship with confidence and care, ensuring that their dynamic remains a source of joy and fulfillment in their lives. This comprehensive approach fosters a resilient, adaptive, and deeply connected D/s relationship capable of weathering life's inevitable changes and challenges.