Switching It Up - What is a ‘switch’ in BDSM?

written by Micah Brown

BDSM terminology

Recently, we have discussed the most common roles within the BDSM Community:

• Dominants

• Submissives

• Switches

While this does give a top-down view of the roles, it doesn’t tell the whole story. I recommend going back and reading our blogs, The Sub-types of Submissives and Exploring Dominant Types in BDSM.

Our focus today is going to be on what it is like to be a switch and how that can play into the dynamics of BDSM relationships.

What is a BDSM Switch?

A Switch within the BDSM lexicon is an individual who will play the role of both Dominant and submissive. The switch can occur based on their mood, desires, and roles their partners may be playing. Being a switch can be seen as having the best of both worlds.

Life as a Switch may look to an outsider as being more exciting, adventurous, or diverse than simply being a Dom or a sub. However, it is essential to remember that a Switch enjoys both roles, while somebody who is strictly Dom or strictly sub does not get anything out of playing a role opposite of their preference.

The Types of Switches in BDSM

As you may imagine, the types of Switch are as varied and many as the types of Dominants and submissives. What may not be as recognizable are the differences within the Switches themselves for their role as a Dom or a sub. While it may feel that a Switch who is a little-type submissive may be a Parent Type Dominant, that’s not the case. A little-type sub-switch could be a Sadist-type Dominant switch. And a masochist-type submissive could be a Service-type Dom. What the individual gets from their role at the time is entirely dependent on the role their partner is playing.

More important than explaining the various types of Switch is to discuss the Dom/sub split in an individual and how that can work within the scope of their multiple relationships and dynamics. As much as we may talk about relationships in this blog, it’s important to remember that kink and BDSM don’t always involve relationships in the traditional or “mainstream” sense.

The Switch Split

Switches may be more Dom leaning or more sub-leaning. In some cases, they will only switch once in a great while, while others may switch back and forth daily (or even multiple times during a day – but this can be difficult for the Switch to do often as it does take a mental toll to switch headspaces).

Generally speaking, you get three primary switch leanings:

• sub leaning Switch

• Dom leaning Switch

• “True” Switch

The “True” Switch is probably more difficult to find, and it is unlikely you will discover somebody who can easily move back and forth between the two different mindsets. Whether somebody is 60/40 or 20/80 in terms of how often they switch, it does not make them any less of a switch.

The sub-leaning Switch can Top but generally prefers to be on the submissive side of things. While they can enjoy being in control, their preference is almost always to let go of the power and allow a Dom to take over. It could be that they never Dom anybody except for one specific Partner or enjoy Topping for one particular scenario or scene. It is just as possible that they will enjoy Topping more than just one partner or in more than one scenario, but they will always be the submissive more than the Dominant.

The flip side of that is the Dom-leaning Switch. This would essentially be an individual who prefers to control the scene and may only be submissive to specific people or scenes.

A “True” Switch will be an individual who truly has no preference and can more easily flow between being a Dom or a sub depending on what the needs of their partner or what their desires happen to be in that specific scenario.

The Challenges of Switching

Being a switch can come with several challenges, the least of which is finding a partner who can match your needs. In many cases, we find switches have entered into polyamorous relationships where they can get their various needs met by multiple partners. This can be an ideal situation for a Switch to find themselves in. Still, it does become more complicated if the Switch is not polyamorous and finds themselves in a relationship with somebody who does not switch.

As much as we would like to pretend that sex is not such an essential part of our romantic relationships, it often is one of the most critical parts (we acknowledge and respect those out there who are asexual and whose romantic relationships may not involve sex as well as those who are aromantic and may have no romance involved with their sex). Being with somebody who does not fulfill both sides of a switch’s needs could cause issues further down the line within the coupling.

While a lack of met sexual needs and desires can certainly cause problems in any kind of relationship or dynamic, when looking at the subset of kinky relationships, it is generally easier for a Dom to find a sub or a sub to find a Dom. Switches, predominantly monogamous switches, can have difficulty finding people to meet their needs. Sometimes, a switch may decide to let go of one aspect of themselves to fit with the person they have chosen to spend their time and romantic energy with.

If you happen to be a switch, it is crucial to understand how deeply important the various aspects of your switch self are. If you fall for a sub, can you imagine being their Dom for the rest of your life and never letting your sub-side see the light of day? What if it is the other way around?

Regardless of the dynamic you have found yourself in, it is important to remember that if we change who we are to meet somebody else’s needs, then it will never be a successful relationship. I tried to tuck away my kinky side for a relationship once upon a time, and that led to unmet needs for both of us and trouble in the future.

Whether you are kinky or vanilla and reading this because you happen to be curious, do not sacrifice who you are to fit in with somebody who would not understand that part of yourself. Of course, there will always be compromise, but know ahead of time what you are willing to compromise on and what will be a dealbreaker for you and then stand your ground on those things that are a dealbreaker.

Switching it Off For Now

Being a switch does not mean that you must be 50/50 all the time Dom/sub. It means that the individual can enjoy being a Dom and sub, though how often they may enjoy each will vary. There is no wrong way to be a Switch and being one does not make you less Dom or less sub when you inhabit that aspect of yourself. Be true to yourself, respect your partners, and everybody will have a good time.