How to Find a Kinky Partner: Tips for Dating within the BDSM Community
A Brief History of Kinky Dating
Before the introduction of the internet in the late 20th century, dating was a whole different thing. We were almost certainly destined to find a partner somewhere close to where we were living. Whether that was in our hometown, college town, or wherever we landed to build a professional life, our mates were generally found among those physically close to us.
Then, the internet barged into our lives and brought us chatrooms, IRC, and AOL Instant Messenger (AIM). With these came people from all over the world meeting and talking in these spaces and even beginning to fall in love. I had a girlfriend who I met in an old Telnet chatroom named Coffeehouse back in the 1990s who flew out to visit me for a week.
However, even with the sudden global communication hub that was the internet, when dating apps entered the fray, they focused on people who were local to us. People we could meet and touch and get a drink with or just get busy with if everybody was on the same page about it.
Through all of this, dating, singles nights, and apps were almost always geared toward more vanilla dynamics, leaving those who leaned into kink to exist in the fringes of dating society, oftentimes looked down upon for being immoral or unethical. That didn’t mean that it was impossible to find a kinky partner, just that it was more challenging to find one versus finding a more vanilla situation.
The advent of adult dating websites that focused on hookups and sex helped to guide the online sexual revolution of the late 1990s and early 2000s. People would join these sites in search of sex and not necessarily dating. From that, we began to find websites that focused on kinky dynamics. Sites like that are still up and running all these years later and still work to connect kinky people with other kinky people.
There are even dating apps out there that focus entirely on the kink dynamic that you can find in the Apple App Store and the Google Play store.
Before You Begin Your BDSM Dating Adventure
Beginning the search for somebody compatible with you can be scary. Popular media would have you believe that love is all you need for a successful relationship. As I near the half-century mark, I can tell you from my experience this is not true. Love is absolutely a necessary component of any romantic relationship, whether it is vanilla or involves some BDSM, but whatever the dynamic, just love will not be enough.
Before you sign up on a kinky dating site or BDSM-focused dating app, be sure to take a moment with yourself and determine what it is that you want to get out of the relationship dynamic that you are hoping to find. How important is being kinky to who you are at your core? Can you imagine spending a lifetime without ever being kinky because the partner you ended up with does not like being kinky? On the flip side, what are your dealbreakers or hard limits if the partner you find enjoys kinks that aren’t on your list?
As mundane as it may sound, it would do you some good to sit down and write out what you want from a kinky partner. If you need an idea for a template, create four columns and label them with headlines such as; “Vanilla Needs,” “Kinky Needs,” “Vanilla Hard Limits,” and “Kinky Hard Limits.” It could look something like this:
Remember, this is merely an example. Your list may use whatever headlines you decide. It does not have to be comprehensive, but make sure to hit the essential points. Not being honest with yourself about your needs and wants will only lead to problems later in the dynamic.
If you want to explore more soft and hard limits, head to our spreadsheets that will get you ready for negotiations
Making a Kinky Dating Profile
Once you have taken the time to think about what you need to know about yourself and what you need and want, you can build a profile. Many apps and dating sites have similar profile setups, even if they’re not identical. To save yourself from being repetitive across multiple platforms, sitting down and writing out your profile in a document can help save a bunch of time later. This will not help you with the multiple-choice questions that some platforms have, but it will help you not have to re-type your introduction repeatedly.
Whether your profile is kinky or vanilla, it should provide a good introduction of who you are to potential suitors. What do you like to do in your vanilla life? What sorts of activities do you take part in during weekends and vacations? Do you enjoy traveling, or are you a homebody? Remember that there are no wrong answers unless you are being untrue to yourself.
A frequent concern about using any dating app is accidentally bumping into someone you know, whether it is friends or family. Most apps will have a filter that will allow you to effectively hide from family and friends, while others may allow you to subtly advertise the fact that you are kinky without having to get explicit about it. Be sure to carefully read through the directions and profile options before adding any pictures that could identify you. This is by no means foolproof. If a family member or friend has used information that you don’t have to create a profile, they may not be hidden from you or you from them.
One of the more confusing aspects of kinky dating sites and apps is the lists of kinks and fetishes that they give you. A few sites provide some additional context for the fetishes and kinks you may choose from. For example, while one site may let you select a list of kinks you enjoy, it may not allow you to determine in what capacity you enjoy that kink. You like bondage, but do you like being the one who is tied up or the one who is doing the tying? I would lean toward the sites and apps that allow you to provide more information rather than less so that anybody looking over your profile will know what you like. This can be especially helpful if you are a switch. If you enjoy being tied up when you are submissive but do not like doing the tying when you are in Dominant mode, it can be essential to make that clear upfront.
Quick Warning About Kinky Dating Apps
Kinky dating apps are much more prevalent than they have been, and while that is undoubtedly a good thing for kink culture, like any dating app, there is a risk when you use one. Because kink dating pulls from a smaller segment of the population, the apps are often filled with scammers and those who wish to take advantage of people looking to get into a kinky dynamic. It can sometimes feel overwhelming when you are bombarded by bots and such who just want to get money or try to steal your information.
Over the past several years, sites specializing in BDSM and kinky dating have become flooded with independent cam models who have set up websites where people can subscribe to see their content and interact with the model. While this is a good way for them to make money and get subscribers, it does not help those trying to find an actual partner to spend time with. Look for apps that do not allow advertising of independent cam models and, if possible, delve deep into the kinky questions if you want to answer them.
Kinky Dating in the Real World
Whether or not you are using apps and websites to find the kinky partner of your dreams, eventually, you will more likely than not go into the real world to meet somebody.
If you are trying to avoid apps or don’t like the look and feel of them, perhaps you want to dip your toe into the world of kinky dating by attending a kinky function or a regular munch (a meetup that is planned in a restaurant or other public space where fellow kinky folks from your area can meet and be open about their kinks). If nothing else happens at one of these events, you may find some new friends who understand your kinks and desires and who will not judge you because of them.
There are many resources you can find through various sites, such as FetLife, that will help you find local kinky events. Please note that FetLife is NOT a kinky dating site, but a site dedicated to kink and kinky people – nonetheless, many people have met and fallen in love through the site.
Safety within the Kinky Dating Scene
Being safe when dating is always important. Not just the practice of safe sex but safety for yourself and personal space. It is an unfortunate truth that there are those in the kink scene who are here only because they feel it is an excuse to abuse somebody else without any kind of repercussion. Anybody who approaches kink in that way doesn’t truly understand what kink is or how the idea of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is integral to all dynamics. When you begin your journey, remember various ways to screen your potential dates by asking questions about their opinion of safe words, what sorts of kinks they enjoy, and whether you feel they would genuinely listen. Even if you are Dominant and a submissive tells you that they do not believe in safe words, this should be considered a red flag because you never want to find yourself in a situation where somebody has gone beyond their limits and become hurt or traumatized.
In the End, Be Yourself
It is a cheesy, stereotypical, and almost eye-rolling level of advice but also accurate. I’m now married to my slave, but it is not my first marriage. In many ways, I did a disservice to my first wife by not being fully honest with her (or myself) about what my needs were when it came to kink or how deep kink ran in my psyche.
Being myself and embracing my kinky side was a huge step in helping me find my current wife and slave. While we had known each other for over 17 years, it was in part our mutual kinkiness that enabled us to solidify our relationship.
Be upfront about your kinks, especially in dating apps. Don’t shy away from saying what you like if something you need to have for your kink is something that somebody else has a hard limit.
Be honest.
Be safe.
Good luck making your future kinky.
