Raise Your Self-Esteem by Using Obedience Solo
written by Maja Metera
This article includes a solo-submission template.
Note: Obedience can be used with one partner, multiple partners, or solo by all kinksters of any identity. Moreover, the tips below apply to any role.
Self-love and self-care are trendy buzzwords focusing primarily on an overly optimistic approach to oneself. This approach is not easily obtainable if your self-esteem is in the gutter. Not to jump in on a trend, that's what we do over on TikTok, but self-love must feel great. Imagine giving yourself the same affection, attention, and respect you so freely give to others. "But it's different with me" or "Oh, but I don't deserve it" can be like some big, red STOP sign on the road to that beautiful destination. That's why we're here today - to clear the roadblocks and build self-esteem.
What is self-esteem?
In short, self-esteem is our opinion of ourselves. It dictates whether we can realistically assess our capabilities, achievements, and worth. A person with strong, positive regard for themselves, i.e., high self-esteem, accepts who they are, accepts imperfections, can voice needs and opinions, and trusts themselves.
Is your self-esteem problematic?
Before discussing ways to build self-esteem, let's assess where you currently stand. In the 1960s, social psychologist Morris Rosenberg, who defined self-esteem as a feeling of self-worth, developed the Rosenberg self-esteem scale (RSES). RSES is a series of statements that the respondent judges on a scale from strongly disagree to strongly agree. It became one of the social sciences' most widely used tools for measuring self-esteem.
You can complete the questionnaire, which is visible in the graphic below.
Rosenberg, M. (1979). Conceiving the Self. New York: Basic Books
Then, each item is scored in the following manner:
For items 1, 2, 4, 6, and 7:
Strongly agree = 3
Agree = 2
Disagree = 1
Strongly disagree = 0
For items 3, 5, 8, 9, and 10:
Strongly agree = 0
Agree = 1
Disagree = 2
Strongly disagree = 3
The total number of points is 30, and the average individual scores are between 15 and 25 points.
Why does self-esteem matter in kink?
Higher self-esteem means that you know your submission is valid and valuable as is - not after you learn a new skill and even if you make a mistake. It's a gift you choose to share with someone who respects you - because you respect yourself and your desires, leaving little to no room for shame. And with such a mindset, you are one step closer to a healthy D/s dynamic of your dreams.
Yes, it will make you a "better sub" - someone who puts effort in, is dedicated, and tries to educate themselves. Moreover, high self-esteem strongly correlates with the ability to set clear boundaries and to uphold them, which acts like an insect repellent on fake Dom(me)s ;)
Lastly, being able to accept your imperfections - and those of reality - will help you enjoy daily life - even if it doesn't look kinky perfect or like from a romance novel. It will help you understand that kink is supposed to fit you - not the other way around.
Submission can help increase your self-esteem
When we submit and give the authority over ourselves to someone else, we trust them at least as much as we trust ourselves to make good decisions - to guide us, as it is in their role. In that way, we can lean back on their opinion and internalize it (e.g., we are, in fact, good subs). Then, we can use accountability to motivate ourselves to form habits around exercises that help support our self-trust and self-esteem. And that's brilliant - you can still do the exercises below if you're in a partnered dynamic.
However, if you're a solo submissive, you're learning to go with your gut - to trust your gut to be correct, to accept that sometimes it might be wrong. You then need to rely solely on yourself, thinking about what someone who respects you would tell you to do in this situation. By learning to trust ourselves the way we'd trust a good Dominant, we strengthen our belief in our abilities. The more we practice self-trust, the more we start to live in line with ourselves. The more we trust ourselves, the better we think of ourselves - the higher our self-esteem.
How to work for higher self-esteem
1. Use a habit tracker
You can now use Obedience in our private profile mode regardless of whether you are connected to a partner. This allows for habit tracking within a personalized reward-punishment system - further strengthening positive associations with acting in line with positive beliefs about yourself.
We have prepared the following template to help you in your self-esteem journey.
2. Journal
Think about one positive core belief you hold about yourself. Then think - what actions would reinforce that belief? With time and practice, you can add other beliefs - even aspirational ones - to build a sense of integral harmony.
3. Spend time alone
Learn how to spend time in your own company - because it is top-tier! It will give you a new perspective on what you are capable of by forcing you to make your own independent decisions. It will help you understand that you are complete on your own and more than worthy of someone's love, time, and effort.
4. Draft a contract with yourself
Just like you would with a Dominant, you can follow our guide on creating contracts - with a small difference: Respond also to questions for Dominants from a perspective of "What can I do to support myself in being a good submissive?"
5. Celebrate successes with a Trust Jar
Learn to bounce back on your habits and celebrate small wins - it all builds your self-trust. With a Trust Jar - digital or physical - you collect marbles. Marbles can be taken literally or be just a piece of paper. The goal is to add a "marble" each time you achieve something. Depending on your capabilities, it can be listening to your gut and coming out on top or getting out of bed. It doesn't matter what it is - as long as it's a positive achievement. This way, you can see in volume, all the things you have been "doing right" - reinforcing positive self-perception.
Last words
In conclusion, cultivating self-esteem is a vital journey that enhances our personal well-being and our experiences within kink dynamics. By recognizing our inherent value and embracing our strengths and imperfections, we pave the way for healthier relationships and deeper connections with ourselves and others. Implementing strategies like habit tracking, journaling, and spending quality time alone can foster self-love and trust, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and empowered kink experience. As we learn to respect and care for ourselves, we create an environment where our desires and boundaries are honored, allowing us to thrive in our chosen lifestyle. Embracing this path elevates our self-esteem and enriches all aspects of our lives, setting the stage for a more authentic and joyful existence.
