Enhance your D/s dynamic without micromanaging your submissive

written by Micah Brown

Those of us who are Doms know how easy it can be to go so far down the rabbit hole of burdening our submissives with tasks that it can get a little out of hand. Nobody (or very few) enjoys being micromanaged at any point, which can be especially true of our submissives.

When I first started using Obedience with my partner, I devised the best way to ensure everything was done properly! I listed out every little thing and step possible and ensured that these items were checked off within a specific timeframe.

It stressed her out to seemingly have so much to do and to check off every step of every task to show that it was done. It didn’t work and had the opposite effect of what I had intended.

With some work and conversation and reflection, we came up with something that worked for us within the app so she didn’t feel overwhelmed and I knew that she was getting her responsibilities completed.

Some of the new updates to Obedience have also helped us organize things a little more effectively. The ability to divide tasks into different groups has become incredibly helpful. We now have Slave Duties, Domestic Duties, and Self-Improvement Duties.

These steps can help alleviate the micromanagement of your submissive partner, but they won’t completely negate the desire to hover over your submissive and constantly question whether or not they have completed their tasks. The desire to do this, especially in a TPE dynamic, can be incredibly difficult to resist. 

How can we, as Doms, find ways to better trust our submissives to complete their tasks and go through their daily rituals without constantly hovering over them and demanding to see their progress?

Reduce the List, Not the Expectation

I use Obedience as an example because it is what I am familiar with and where I could actually see a full-on representation of my micromanagement. Realizing that I was treating my submissive in a way I abhorred being treated at work was a wake-up call for me.

I have very specific expectations for my submissive around certain tasks, and I expect her to complete them in a timely fashion. My list of expectations looked like this:

• Make coffee

• Journal

• Make breakfast

• Make lunch

• Pack snacks

• Serve Coffee

• Serve Breakfast

• Get meds

All of those are what her expectations are in the morning and each one had its own checkmark next to it. Now imagine lists like that for everything else during the day! This is what her morning task list looks like now:

• Morning routine

All those expectations are still there, but they’re bundled under the Morning Routine heading which keeps her from feeling micromanaged and stressed. This lets her know that I trust her to get the things done that need doing.

Now, if I add a new task to her morning routine, I will begin by keeping it separate. It is new to her routine, and therefore, lumping it into the rest is a recipe for failure. Once she has become used to the addition, I will roll it into the Morning Routine task with everything else.

Some things will always remain separate, even if they could be rolled into another routine, but part of that is because of how the Obedience App functions. I ask for photos of her every morning. One of her kneeling like the good girl she is, another so I can approve her undergarments and a final photo where I can approve her outfit for the day. Within the Obedience App, when you tell a task to require photo proof, it allows the sending of a single image, which is then deleted upon the approval of the Dominant.

Trust Your Submissive

This is the biggest thing you can do to help reduce the micromanagement of your submissive. Trust that they know what they’re doing and how to do it. Trust that if they do not, or if they have questions, that they will ask.

When starting out in a new dynamic, it can be hard to place trust on someone starting to learn how to do things the way that you want them done. You do not want to give them a long list of tasks the way I did with my submissive and overwhelm them. Start small, with only a couple of tasks you want them to focus on, and let them get good at those tasks. Then add a couple more. Then more. As you add them, you can group them (whether or not you use Obedience, grouping tasks can be a huge help and stress reducer).

You need to trust that your submissive will learn the routines and tasks you assign them. Having clear punishments for mistakes is vitally important. They won’t be surprised by whatever punishment is given for a mistake, and it helps keep things from being arbitrary based on your mood.

Forgot to sweep the floor? Three whacks on the ass with the cane. Did they forget to write in their journal? 100 lines of: “I won’t forget my journaling ever again.”

The more you trust your submissive, the more they will trust you – and trust in a BDSM dynamic is the most important thing to have. A submissive will be at their most vulnerable with you and must trust that they will communicate clearly with you because you will also be vulnerable with them even if the power dynamic doesn’t make it seem like that’s the case – but that is a different discussion.

Consistency is Key

We touched upon the idea of consistency with punishments briefly, but consistency needs to go beyond the bounds of punishment. All people crave some type of consistency, even if the consistency they crave looks like chaos to others—for example, people who travel and never stay in one place for very long may be happy with the consistency of constant movement, but people looking in from the outside may see this as very inconsistent.

Not being consistent with things like punishments will not instill your submissive with trust toward you. You can trust your submissive to the ends of the earth, but if they do not trust you in return, then there is no real hope for your dynamic to last for very long.

Being consistent with your expectations, punishments, rewards, and schedule will all have a positive impact on your submissive and their trust in you. Knowing when they will see you, how they will be punished for their mistakes or forgetfulness, how they will be rewarded when they are especially good, and what they can expect during play will help them know that you can be trusted.

Set Rituals For Yourself

Rituals and tasks are not just for a submissive to complete. There are daily rituals and tasks that you can undertake as a Dominant to help build consistency, connection, trust, and compassion with your submissive. This does not mean that you are going to be following the same sorts of rituals your submissive performs for you, but it does mean that you will need to find consistency with them.

To clarify, when speaking of rituals in this sense, it is nothing like worship or magical spells when I say ritual. This is more about routine and consistency. The “ritual” of making the bed every morning, the “ritual” of starting the dishwasher before bed…

In this case, we are looking at the rituals you can perform that will help you to keep yourself from micromanaging your submissive.

It may sound obvious, but at the end of every day, you want to spend some time with your submissive checking in on their day. If you don’t use Obedience (or even if you do), this might be a good time to review their list of tasks and what they completed, what they did not, and what tasks may not have been completed correctly. From that point, you can discuss the necessary punishments, if any, and the earned rewards.

Having that conversation at the end of the day shows your submissive that you care about them, that you’re paying attention to the quality of their work, and that you are not micromanaging them by constantly checking in on them about their tasks throughout the day. This shows them that you care, trust them, and are a consistent partner to have in their corner.

I know that the desire to micromanage your sub can sometimes feel overwhelming. If you feel that urge overcoming you, close your eyes and do a quick one-minute meditation to help you overcome your insecurities. In fact, performing a full meditation first thing in the morning will help you better control your urge to track every single thing your submissive does and will help bring you into emotional balance.

Start your own journal and make entries daily. You can even find an app like Embrace where you can journal together, give each other prompts, and even journal privately so neither of you can see your private posts. Journaling has been shown in multiple studies to help with stress, anxiety, and depression. It can also help build your dynamic with your submissive.

Some Final Words

Nobody wants to be micromanaged. Avoiding that with your submissive will help your dynamic grow and flourish. Micromanaged individuals feel they are not trusted and are constantly being put under a microscope. Having a conversation with your submissive about how to approach a task list and how the tasks are to be completed is good when they are first learning, but hounding them about their tasks, checking their progress constantly, and nitpicking every detail is not going to help you maintain a healthy BDSM dynamic.

Everybody stay kinky out there.