Starting a D/s Dynamic: A Guide to Building Trust and Connection in BDSM Relationships

written by Micah Brown

While I focus heavily on talking about couples in this article, this is merely for ease of understanding, and that any advice provided here can be used regardless of the number of partners you have.

Beginning Your Journey into Partnered BDSM

Perhaps it was something that always lived in the back of your mind. Maybe when you were younger and played dragons and knights, you always wanted to be the helpless victim tied up for the fire-breathing serpent, and maybe, on some level in the back of your mind, you did not want to get untied. Or perhaps it was something you saw in a movie that turned you on in a way you had never expected. It could have been in a book or something as innocent as horsing around with friends. I know one submissive who had a friend jokingly put their hand around her throat, and she moaned. Thus began her journey into learning about BDSM.

If you suspect that you might be kinky, but you do not know if your partner is also curious about BDSM or if they are kinky in a way that complements your kinky. Because I tend to be very blunt, after my slave and I had sex the first time (which was very vanilla), I asked her if she was kinky. She breathed a sigh of relief and said she was very kinky and had been worried I might turn out to be vanilla. Looking back on that now, it is funny because we are very much not vanilla (not there is anything wrong with vanilla).

However, some people may not wish to take the blunt approach to the conversation that I did. With the pressures of societal judgment, it can be a little frightening to bring up the fact that we are kinky in a conversation. There is the possibility that the person we have trusted may turn around and judge us for our kinks. So, how do you have that conversation, and how do you broach the subject that you want to be kinky and that you specifically want to explore a Dominant/submissive (D/s) style dynamic?

Developing Your BDSM Dynamic

How to Approach the BDSM Conversation with Your Partner

Sometimes the best way to approach something is via experimentation in the moment. That does not mean you tie up your partner without warning or look into your partner’s eyes and call them Master/Mistress/Dominant. If you’re the submissive type, ask if they would like to try tying you up and offer some stockings or a silk scarf. Do not jump into the hardcore bondage gear from the get-go here. Let them get a taste of it and see how they respond. If they respond favorably, you can ask them if they would like to try and take a little further the next time.

If you’re the Dominant type, then take the role of the asker here and see if they would be interested in being tied up. Once again, do not break out the cuffs and collars at this point. Keep it light but leave the door open for more and talk about the experience after the fact.

Building Trust Through Experimentation and Open Dialogue

Conversation after this type of experimentation is where you can start to go a little deeper into your desires. Discuss with your partner your ultimate goals or what you want to explore if you do not have an ultimate goal in mind. You may find that you both enjoy certain things that will help you build a dynamic and grow together in your relationship. If your partner is not into it all, it could be a good time to take stock and determine how significant the kinky side of your personality is to yourself and if you can live without kink to be with a vanilla person.

There is lots of talk about love in relationships, but there is more to a relationship than just love, despite what pop songs may tell you. Being kinky and not getting the kink that you need can have an impact on your mental health, which can spill over into other aspects of your life. Be honest with yourself about how much you need kink to feel like a complete version of yourself and be honest with your partner as well.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries and Safe Words

You have had the conversation, and now you find yourself on the same page with your partner about your kinky desires. This is fantastic, but it does not mean you are done yet. This part requires a deeper dive into your desires, fantasies, wants, and limits within your various roles. Putting all cards on the table, some aspects of kink can be dangerous, and the more you are open about what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do can help keep everybody safe.

The first thing you should set before anything else is a safe word. Some people work with a specific word (pineapple, for example) that means the play stops, and everybody checks in with everybody else. Others, myself included, prescribe the Stoplight Method for safe words. In this case, you would use the following words:.

While many people believe that a safe word is only for the submissive, that is a misnomer. Anybody in the scene can use the safe word at any time to stop or adjust the level of play. A Dominant may become concerned about a submissive and use the safe word to check in on them, or perhaps the submissive is asking for something beyond what the Dominant is comfortable providing.

Once a safe word has been determined, move on to discussing limits. Kinksters generally separate limits into soft limits and hard limits. A soft limit is one that the individual may be willing to revisit after they have become more comfortable with their dominant or with the idea of the kink in general. On the other hand, a hard limit would be a limit that is not open for discussion and that the individual will not try, not discuss trying, and will be a turn-off for them.

Setting Expectations for Your BDSM Dynamic

Conversations have been had, limits discussed, and safe words were chosen, and now it is time to set the expectations of the dynamic. How deep do you want your dynamic to go in your relationship? Do you want to keep this in the bedroom, or do you want to extend it into other areas of your life? Are you looking for a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE), something a little more relaxed?

Additionally, you will want to determine what sorts of play and punishments you are comfortable partaking in. Everybody must be very clear about what they want, what they expect, and where their limits are. All this information can sometimes seem daunting, so writing it down in a document can make lots of sense.

Creating and Customizing Your BDSM Contract

A contract for a BDSM dynamic is a good starting point to help all parties understand where boundaries and expectations are and can encourage everybody to go through a variety of options and discuss each one in detail before deciding on it. For some, this may sound incredibly tedious, but honestly, my slave and I had so much fun going through our initial contract. I had her on a slave pillow on the floor, and I would read through each section of the agreement, and we would discuss each option as it came up.

The contract template we purchased was incredibly long and covered many pieces of minutia that others we investigated had left out. Because we knew we would be entering into a 24/7 TPE situation, we wanted something with lots of detail that we could tailor to our needs as we worked through it. Despite the many options in each section, there was still room to write in our items should nothing in the document provide precisely what we needed. From the original thirty-plus pages, the document started as we have since whittled it down to fifteen after taking out extraneous content that did not apply to our dynamic.

For example, we found it to be a much shorter list if we changed the punishments from “Allowed Punishments” to a list of “Disallowed Punishments.” You may find that it is much easier to use an Allowed list if you have a shorter list of what is acceptable.

When working on the contract, remember that both the Dominant and the submissive have a say in what goes into it and that it is understood that the agreement will be upheld by all parties involved. If a Dominant is not comfortable performing a certain punishment even if the slave enjoys it, it is not okay to force the Dom into a position where they feel they must. As should always be the case, the submissive has the final say over all types of punishment or use written into the contract.

Revisiting and Revising Your Dynamic Over Time

Like any good contract, a Dom/slave contract should be looked at and renegotiated periodically. My slave and I find reexamining the document about once a year helpful. Turn it into an event of sorts. Plan a date and discuss the whole thing. You may find that as you go through it, you can condense parts and excise entire sections that may no longer apply to your dynamic. Any significant changes to the contract should be made with a provisional window allowing for a time in the future to discuss if the change should be permanent.

Mastering the (Power) Dynamic

Once everybody has had their say, developed their contracts, and had their talks about what is and what is not allowed, it may seem that the rest of the time is going to be smooth sailing and that there will never be any more bumps along your kinky road (or maybe just the good kinds of bumps). Perhaps you do not like to refer to your dynamic as a “relationship” in the traditional sense. Still, by definition, you are in a relationship with your kinky partners, and it is not easy to make sure that everybody gets their needs met along the way.

If you develop a contract together, I reiterate that you revisit this contract periodically. If something seems more urgent than not, bring it up with your partner(s) instead of waiting. You do not want to find yourself in a position where you resent a partner because of something they are doing (or not doing) when they do not know it has become a problem.

All this could fall under the general heading of communication. Every relationship requires copious amounts of communication. Those who are in kinky dynamics may need more communication than the average relationship because kink often entails acts that could be considered dangerous and some that cause bodily harm to another (with consent). When these risks are at play, communicating with those involved is even more critical.

No matter how deep you want your dynamic to go, it is essential to remember that everybody needs to keep it Safe, Sane, and Consensual.