Public Kink: Discreet and Exciting Ideas to Explore BDSM Outside the Bedroom
written by Micah Brown
First of all, let us take a moment to think about kink. This whole blog is dedicated to the idea of kink and BDSM and we discuss it quite often. What we haven’t done much of at this point is looking at kink through a lens that is not overtly sexualized. Kink isn’t always about the sex. Anybody in a 24/7 Power Exchange relationship can tell you this. Despite the representation of kink always being sexual in most media, that’s just not true - even between those individuals whose primary focus is on the sexualized aspects of kink and BDSM.
For many who see this idea of public kink, they may think that it’s a Dominant demanding their submissive get on their knees in the middle of downtown and give them head. That is not only highly illegal in most places, but it’s also disrespectful to all those people who did not give consent to be part of your scene. There is, of course, a different expectation when attending a play party, dungeon, or club where fetish is being encouraged, but we will find a way to that discussion a bit further down.
Exploring (Truly) Public Kink: What It Means and How to Do It Safely
When talking about the idea of kink in public spaces, we have to consider how to approach the dynamic in ways that will both reinforce the dynamic itself and be subtle enough to go unnoticed by the vast majority of the public. For those who do catch on to what is happening, they will almost certainly be a kinkster themselves or aware enough of kink culture to glean an understanding.
How can you take your dynamic into public and keep the power exchange alive without calling attention to yourself?
We’ve all seen the photos that show up on the internet of the Dominant leading their submissive down the street on a leash. While this is relatively tame in terms of potential kink-related activities, it is still not necessarily the type of attention you want to call upon yourself (but if you do, there’s no judgment here). In most cases, you are going to want a more nuanced approach to your kinky activities when out and about in the vanilla world.
Before You Go Out: Preparing for Public Kink Play
There are actions you can take before leaving the house that can help the Dom and sub feel the dynamic strongly after setting foot out the door. For one, the Dominant can pick the clothing of the submissive. What will they wear in public? What will they wear under their clothes (if anything at all). Having a submissive wear no underwear or underwear that allows for easy access to their tender bits can add a layer of excitement as well as a sense of ownership. The fact that a submissive may be easily touched doesn’t mean they will be, but perhaps that anticipation around what the Dom is going to do will keep them focused on the dynamic and their place within it.
Those who are handy with rope may wish to tie their submissive into a harness before allowing them to get dressed. That way, the submissive will feel the tightness of the rope against their skin as a reminder of their Dominant’s power over them while nobody around them is aware of the kink happening right under their noses. Even if you’re an expert with rope, there are harnesses you can buy and put your submissive into before leaving the house.
Simple and Discreet Power Dynamics for Public Settings
You don’t need to make it elaborate. Maybe wearing a collar is enough to reinforce your sense of being owned or of being an owner of the collared. Perhaps if you’re not comfortable wearing an obvious collar, getting what’s called a Day Collar may be an option for you. A Day Collar is a piece of jewelry that most often resembles a necklace and frequently has a lock in the back that may be permanent. It could contain a pretty stone or just be a plain looking choker. The important part is what it means to the people within the dynamic itself. Another option could be slave bells around the ankle or some kind of bracelet that is reminiscent of restraint cuffs.
Aside from subtle adornments, there are certain behaviors that you could instigate that would mostly go unnoticed by the general public.
Make the submissive walk slightly behind you. This is not having the submissive ten paces behind you at all times, but a much more conservative approach where they would be only a step or two behind your pace. You could even hold hands or show other forms of affection if desired. The idea is to have the submissive just far enough behind the steps of the Dominant that they are reminded of their place in the dynamic.
You could also make it a rule that the submissive must always be on a specific side of the Dominant as a way of displaying their position.
Taking that further, creating a full set of rules for how to behave in public could also be useful. An example could look something like this:
Your set of rules can be as minimal or as complex as you want, but remember that you shouldn’t overwhelm your submissive with pages of rules or expectations.
Wearable Kink: Discreet Toys and Accessories for Public Play
This does fall under sex and sexual behavior even if it is subtle and hardly noticeable. That does mean that you need to approach the ideas of wearables carefully and still adhere to your local laws.
The primary type of wearable device is one that provide sexual stimulation, though there are items such as chastity belts that prohibit many types of sexual behavior. Individuals who have vulvas and vaginas will have different wearable options from those who have a penis, though either can wear anal toys.
The bulk of discrete, wearable sex toys is aimed at those who have vulvas and vaginas. These toys are also, generally speaking, more easy to conceal. For example, a mini-vibe that sits against the clitoris and attaches to underwear with a magnet is going to be hardly noticeable, even when the sub is wearing jeans. Somebody with a penis is already at a disadvantage here because their arousal is very visible to see.
Wearable devices like this can be entertaining and provide a little extra spice to any outing into public spaces. Rules around them can even be drawn up, such as providing a certain number of spankings any time the submissive makes a noise due to the stimuli from the toy.
You do want to be careful, however, and not end up in a situation where the submissive has no control of their voice or body if they achieve orgasm
Navigating Fetish Clubs, Play Parties, and Public Scenes
If you are attending some kind of event or visiting a club where fetish, and even sex, is welcome, be sure you understand the rules and expectations of the location when you arrive. Sex clubs and sex parties are not going to spare your eyes when it comes to other individuals having sex in front of you, whether you want them to be or not. The venue should be very upfront about what’s happening inside the space so that you can make an informed decision about what you’re willing to see when you’re in there.
At the same time, anybody else who is in the space has agreed to the rules around what is seen, so as long as you are following rules around play and intercourse that the venue or host has laid out, you are welcome to play however you want.
If you have never attended a venue like this in the past, it can become overwhelming to think about everything that could happen there and everything you might see. The best thing to do is determine what your goal is by attending the club. You may want to show off your submissive, or you may want to be shown off by your Dom. You may have wanted to do a public scene complete with intercourse while others watched and now you have a safe space to do that very thing.
These can be a location where it is acceptable to walk your sub around on a leash or make them crawl after you on all fours all night. These kinds of venues and parties allow you to take off the vanilla masks you would have to wear while out to dinner and truly embrace every aspect of your kink for everybody else there to witness.
Even in this type of scenario, you must remember to be courteous and to follow all the rules that have been setup for your safety.
Finally, just because you are going to a sex party, dungeon, or fetish club doesn’t mean that you have to engage in any activities with anybody. You can go and watch and then get more involved if you become comfortable enough to do so.
Final Thoughts: Strengthening Your BDSM Dynamic Beyond the Bedroom
Public kink is fun. Subtle public kink allows for the dynamic to continue outside the normal spaces without calling attention to the the fact that you’re in a dynamic. The nuance is the point, adding a layer of excitement and exhilaration to your relationship.
Taking your dynamic out of the usual spaces can be good for it. Allowing it to find ways to exist that don’t require NSFW activities and clothing can actually help build a relationship into something that will last. Sex is great, and kinky sex is amazing, but the dynamic itself is the heart of all of it. Nurture all aspects of your dynamic and it will continue to grow and bear fruit.
