Swooning for a sub while your Dom is watching – and its aftermath

written by Maja Metera

I sat there absolutely starstruck. Her eyes were closed shut – mouth wide open. I looked at the two of them, trying to commit this picture into my memory - the view of her body tensing under their touch. I knew the pleasure she was feeling. I was reliving my experiences vicariously through her. I was ecstatic noticing their smile before they took a bite of her thigh.

Then the morning came and with it the feeling of anxiety washing over me.

What do I know?

At the beginning of this year, thirsty for new experiences, my Domme and I looked for threesome partners. After meeting quite a few women for one-night stands, we met someone who I got attached to and who my partner fell for. That’s how this whole journey started – journey of self-analysis, growth, lots of sex and even more talking.

However, before I dive deeper into the topic of sub-for-sub relationships entangled in threesomes and triad dynamics, you need to know that my perception of the situation is skewed. I myself am a service sub and a degradee. If you are anything like me, when you are floating in sub space, you will do anything to keep your Dom(me) happy. In this case, the actual sharing of your D with another sub will be easy. You will be amazed by the feeling of excitement sparkling up inside of you. Until the anxious thoughts win.

Anxiety – but make it threesomes

So, you agreed to invite a second sub into your bedroom, life, or both – but it feels weird. You know who you are looking for but without any rigid lines or criteria. Or at least you think you know. It is not the same experience as looking for a partner for yourself. Not only you have to consider the preferences of your current partner, but you are also looking for someone who can be submissive to them. But wait a minute… that is your role. Oh no. Maybe you are not entirely comfortable with the idea?

Let’s take it apart.

Firstly, there is a big difference between a one-night-only special and a long-lasting relationship. They evoke different emotions – or no emotions at all if sexual exclusivity is not something you are strongly attached to. A one-night stand is a subtle taste, a trailer if you will, of what could be worked on and developed into a fully fleshed D/s dynamic. That dynamic will not be a copy of your own, will not be entirely separate from yours and will influence you and your relationship with your Dom(me). You will see a different side of your Dominant.

You jump in anyway – yes! Let’s do it! That sounds like a lot of fun, right?

Yet your heart beats a little bit faster with anxiety every time you think about them spending time without you, about her giving your Dominant something you cannot. So, you say: no sex when you are not there, no private chats, no cutesy names. Veto, veto, veto – only you can do that with Daddy. But shouldn’t everyone be equal? No? Okay.

Okay, good – everyone agreed. You are safe now.

And here lies the problem. You are not safe from those thoughts that you are trying to get rid of so badly – you are trying to control the perceived danger and pushing away the idea that you are capable of taming the anxious beast.

The struggle is real – but so are the solutions

According to Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, the jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity that we feel when met with the idea that someone else is giving our partner something we cannot - all come from our unsafe attachment style. This attachment style can be molded into a safe type with an adequate amount of work on your core beliefs about yourself and your relationships. Don’t give up on the whole consensual non-monogamy thing just yet. There is still hope – and some tricks that will carry you to the other side of the river.

First and foremost, please talk. First to yourself - I encourage you to sit with your emotions – but actively. Journal all the feelings out without any filter to clear your head and calm your frayed nerves. You can try visualizing the feelings you are having to let them pass more easily – what color are they? where in the body can you feel each of them? Alternatively, you can use the goods of CBT (the other CBT). The Internet has an abundance of PDF worksheets for negative automatic thoughts management. They all are based on the following scheme:

-   What is the automatic thought that you are having?

-   On a scale from 1-100%, how believable is it to you?

-   Write a positive or neutral replacement for your automatic thought.

-   How strongly do you believe in it?

-   Write down all arguments pro and against the replacement statement – things that you can confirm or have proof for.

Then, calm and collected, you can share and process with your friends, your partner, and your Dom(me). Together you can make sure you have all the reassurance that you need to feel appreciated, loved and included. For example, you can engage in longer, or more tailored to you aftercare. We are working with the fear you are having – not trying to control your partners’ actions.

The sub4sub relationship magic

Good job!  You managed to not panic when you felt inadequate. But the weird feeling from before is still there – something is not quite as you are used to. You can see how smoothly her relationship with your Dom(me) progresses – how they are no longer awkward around each other. You look for what is wrong between you two – but you got nothing.

The answer is in front of you – you two are subs. The power is in imbalance with nobody that would lead the whole cookie operation. For that reason, the attraction that you are looking for, is just not there. You can admire her beauty and wit. You can love spending time with her. Nonetheless, what you are trying to find is the attraction that you have felt towards a Dominant before while the nature of your relationship is just different. It is more distant, slow-burning and based on friendship that an inner need to submit. The affection and romantic feelings might come with time. In the meantime, if you do not have the unprompted desire to be sexual with your fellow sub, try to frame your encounters with your kinks.

Voyeurism? Put on a show for your Dom(me). Service? You are obeying D’s orders. Degradation? You are acting like such a little slut fucking everyone. Overwrite the narrative in which scene between two subs does not work. Make it as hot and steamy as you can. Have fun!

Learn to appreciate the presence of another sub. You have a great opportunity to form a bond with someone who sees your Dom(me) in a similar way as you do, someone who lived through the BDSM experiences with you, in your position. They might love your partner’s crooked smile and melt at its sight the way you do. Nobody will ever be as excited as your fellow submissive partner. Nobody will know how amazing it feels to experience being at your D’s complete mercy. Especially not your Dom(me). They can only imagine – you two can compare notes.