6 ways to keep up with a long distance Dominant-submissive dynamic
written by Maja Metera
Most people want to be as close to their partner as possible - metaphorically and physically. However, not everyone is lucky enough to live with or close to their partner(s). This can be challenging for some relationships - but the stakes get even higher when you add the Dom-sub dynamic into the mix.
The realities of a long-distance Dominant/submissive relationship
Each dynamic is of course one of a kind - but they can generally be divided into two subcategories: bedroom-only and 24/7. The distance can be especially difficult for those of us who practice BDSM only in the sexual areas of our lives. Living far away from your Dom(me) or sub makes it almost impossible to do in-person scenes as often as you would like - unless you have unlimited time and money for traveling back and forth. This can lead to feeling like your kinky needs are unfulfilled or pushed to the side leaving you uncomfortable and lonely in your identity. Trust me, it is not a place where you want to be mentally.
Moreover, being in a long-distance relationship makes it hard to express physical intimacy in general so people whose main love language is affectionate touch will have an especially hard time feeling connected and appreciated.
It is all to say that long-distance relationships are not for everyone, they can absolutely suck and stagnate your growth on your kinky journey. However, they do not have to do that - but preventing it from happening takes just a little bit of extra effort.
Understanding BDSM and love languages
Let’s start from a more vanilla perspective as aspects of those relationships intertwine with their kinky counterparts. The physical intimacy that we get from scenes and aftercare speaks to our touch-oriented love language. Even though skin-to-skin contact is never fully replaceable, we can try substituting it.
Firstly, we can gift our partners something that reminds them of the touch - a shirt, a bottle of perfume, or your favorite shower gel. Secondly, we can try to fill the void with the remaining four love languages - gifts, words of affirmation, quality time and acts of service (yes, D-types can also do that!). Below you will find some ideas for how to do that:
You can send them letters, messages, and voice notes telling them how good of a partner they are - making it as kinky or as romantic as you want.
You can send or collect small tokens or gifts that remind you of them.
You can use the flower postal service.
You can plan more elaborate Facetime dates. I am sure TikTok has a lot of inspiration on the matter.
You can try to help them out with daily tasks and to-do lists - if they need to make an appointment, ask if you could do that for them.
Working with D/s and 24/7 dynamics
On that note, there are also ways of supporting your partner without doing tasks for them if that is not your style. You can borrow elements from the 24/7 dynamic format and become their accountability partner - which is something I talked more about in another article titled “(Neuro)Spicy New Year Resolutions”.
This means that they would have reoccurring tasks to complete - they can be habits that they want to build or tasks for both of your pleasure - like sending pictures in specific poses or not using your given name unless with other people. You can track positive habits as well as slip-ups and mistakes in your Obedience App, distributing punishments and rewards accordingly.
Exploring self dominance in BDSM
But what if you are a sub and you do not feel comfortable with BDSM entering the vanilla aspects of your life with elements of 24/7 dynamic? Then you need to remember that no matter the way you practice (or not) BDSM - or who you do it with, your identity does not change unless you want it to.
That being said - I believe that you can fulfill your kinky needs on your own, even if you have a partner. This goes for everyone in a long-distance relationship or in a relationship with someone who currently does not have spoons for engaging in play for health-related or any other reason.
As much as it can be sad at the beginning, you can become your own Dom(me). You can go as far as get self-collared or you can incorporate alone activities during which you act as your own Dominant. Those can include anything from self-tying or self-impact sessions to having a physical space where you can be a pet or a little.
Making it through the separation in a long-distance relationship
Whichever way you choose to go, we encourage you to engage with kink on a regula basis in some format as it will help you make it through the time that you and your partner are apart. Consensual sexting and phone sex are a great foundation to build on. You can include degradation or a specific manner of speech as well as send photos, videos, and voice recordings of your moans.
An alternative if you are feeling shy is to write everything down - you can create a notebook or a folder on your laptop to write erotica in. Those can be your fantasies (an amazing inspiration source later on), plans, or things that have happened between you and your partner. It will not only keep the flame lit up but also help the other side understand your desires better.
On top of that, if you start now - you will have a gift to give in a few months: their very own book full of spicy stories. I cannot imagine anything hotter.
Plan forward in your long-distance BDSM relationship
No matter what you do, make sure that you have a specific date to look forward to. Book tickets in advance, take time off of work, and put the effort in. I encourage you to plan a theme for the scene(s) that you will do. Maybe your partner wants to help with the organizational side of things - do it together and drag it across the waiting period to keep both of you even more excited.
