Are Age Gap Relationships Okay in Kink? A Nuanced Look at Power and Consent

This article was written in response to one of the questions asked in the “Ask Me Anything” box on Instagram. AMA Monday happens every first Monday of the month. Come join us to have your questions answered!

Oh, boy is this is a subject that can get messy.

First and foremost, I will say that any relationship between consenting adults is really the business of those consenting adults. Using your station as a means to engage in activities with a subordinate isn’t acceptable no matter what age gap or lack of gap exists. While there may be enjoyment around the roleplay ideas of teachers and students or coaches and cheerleaders, we have to remember that the people enacting those roleplays are adults who have consented to that type of play. What we have to remember is that in the real world, if a coach where to engage in sexual relations, even if the individual were of legal age, is still not ethical and could be viewed as coercion depending on the full situation – for example if they felt pressured into it so they could be on the first string, or if a professional felt they had to have sex with their boss just to get the promotion.

Power Imbalances and Age Gaps: Where Concern Is Valid and Where It Isn't

One of the biggest concerns over large age gaps in any relationship is that of an imbalance in authority and power between the ages. We see a large age gap and immediately assume that the older party holds some kind of authority over the younger and that the younger individual may not be fully cognizant of the situation they find themselves in. This is often the same way we might look at a boss who suddenly starts dating a subordinate. In either case, there is definitely the possibility that there is some kind of coercion occurring, but that doesn’t make it true. Remember, we believe that at 18 a human can vote, join the military, and die for our country, and so we also have to believe that they are able to make decisions about their lives as well and trust that they know what they’re doing.

I have friends who met when one was 20 and the other 50. Now, 20 years later, they’re married and happier than ever. It’s important to note that he’s not rich. There wasn’t a money aspect in it for her, just somebody who finally understood her and that she could have decent conversations with.

Do I think that there are issues around age gaps in relationships? Absolutely.

Do I think that there are often younger individuals being taken advantage of by older individuals? Absolutely.

Do I feel that younger individuals are taking advantage of older individuals? Absolutely.

But I also feel that any relationship could be one taking advantage of the other.

Let’s take a look at kink and BDSM and the power dynamics that exist there without looking at age at all. I’m in a 24/7 TPE situation with my partner as my submissive. From the outside, somebody might see that and believe that I’m taking advantage of her because she’s a submissive and I’ve “convinced” her that she has to do what I say and that it’s a form of abuse. It’s a common argument that comes up in anti-BDSM arguments. Those of us who are in healthy, kinky relationships know that there is tons of communication that occurs in kink, that submissives choose who they ultimately kneel to.‍

Gender, Biology, and Age Gaps: What the Research (and Reality) Actually Says

It is often considered wrong for an older man to date a younger woman because she is being taken advantage of, but more acceptable for a younger man to be with an older woman (a cougar), while we also know full well that the male-coded brain doesn’t complete development in the prefrontal cortex until they’re in their twenties, whereas female-coded brains mature on average two years before their male counterparts.

This has often been used as reasoning for why younger women often date older men, but whether those two years make a huge difference in maturity levels is kind of up in the air.

Biologically speaking, when it comes to those who can bear children, there is a finite timeline for how long they are able to produce a child, whereas those who provide the sperm cell for fertilization can continue to produce sperm cells for their entire lives in most cases, though the risk of developmental disorders and birth defects does increase drastically after about age fifty or so. This has often been used as a reason why older men are attracted to younger women.

I don’t even want to get into the history of men and women and girls even just 100 years ago because it’s outright disturbing how women and girls were viewed. Even 100 years ago girls as young as 14 were being married off to far older men to bear children for them, because the younger a woman, the more children she can have, and the more likely those children will be healthy. From the standpoint of the animal kingdom, this makes sense – but as creatures that have developed in a vastly different way than most of nature, who have brains that capable of so much more, treating children as adults has never proven to be advantageous in any way.

How often have we seen the trope where the younger woman in a movie ends up with the much older man? What about the much older woman ending up with the younger man?

While I’m sure there are more I could look up on the web, only one pops immediately into my mind, and that’s from decades ago now and titled Harold and Maude. It’s a black comedy that is also remarkably touching and if you haven’t seen it, you should go try and find it and watch it. It’s a delight.

How to Support Someone in an Age Gap Relationship Without Overstepping

Look, if there is somebody in your life who is dating somebody much older or much younger and you’re concerned about it, have a conversation with them about it. Let them know your concerns, but then listen to them and believe them if they say they are okay. Our world is filled with horror stories about older individuals taking advantage of younger individuals. The best thing we can do is educate our loved ones about the risks, but much like sending them out into the world to drive on their own or sending them off to college or a job or the military, we have to ultimately respect their decisions and be there for them if it all goes terribly wrong.

There’s a point at which we have to let go and let the young adults act like adults and learn like adults and come to their own conclusions about love and relationships.

The Bottom Line on Age Gaps, Consent, and Kink

If the relationship is between two consenting adults, feel free to voice your concerns, but don’t harp on those who are involved in it. They already know your concerns.

Communication, education, and compassion. That’s the best we can do.