How to Meet Your Submissive Needs When Your New Dom Is Still Finding Their Groove

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When a new Dom enters your life, it can take time for your dynamic to find it’s groove. While you’re feeling each other out and figuring each other out, your subby side may not be getting everything it needs from your new Dom. That’s okay, it’s highly unlikely that a new Dom is going to know exactly how to Dom you perfectly when they’re just starting out – even if that Dom has decades of experience being kinky.

How do you take care of yourself in these instances while your Dom is still getting into the groove of the role? How can you meet your subby cravings when your Dom isn’t meeting all your needs in the beginning?

How we approach this will depend on whether the Dom in your life is somebody who is experienced or somebody who is new to being a Dom. It is likely, but not guaranteed, that an experienced Dom will take less time to get acclimated to you and your needs than a newer Dom, but some of that will depend on what your needs are and what the Dom’s experience is in these needs.

For example, if you have a Dom who has been active in the scene for twenty years, and needle play and play piercing are two of your must-haves for your personal kink, but the Dom doesn’t have any experience with that, then when it comes to that specific need, an experienced Dom and a new Dom will be on equal footing.

From a more realistic standpoint, what you’re looking for likely isn’t just going to be a scene partner. You’re looking for somebody who can meet all your subby needs and provide you with the structure and leadership you crave more than scene skills.

So, how do you stay connected to your submissive self while you’re  helping a new Dom acclimate to what you need?

Let’s dive in.

Solo submission: How to Stay Connected to Your submissive Side on Your Own

This can often be difficult for submissives and is a skill in and of itself. Learning it can also be what keeps you in touch with your submissive side whether you’re single or breaking in a new Dom. For those who haven’t heard the term before, think about it like playing a game of chess with yourself. You are both the Dom and the submissive, the Yin and the Yang (apologies for the terrible analogy). You need to find ways to keep yourself on-task and you need to determine the best ways to punish yourself when you miss a goal, deadline, or don’t complete a task. When you’re playing both sides, it can be easy to give yourself loopholes to get out of the punishments, so the best thing to do is find punishments that are more difficult to get around and aren’t just Funishments that you give yourself to get off  in the evening.

One thing to do is to throw a number of punishments into a randomizer of some sort (scraps of paper in a hat, for example) so that when you end up having to give yourself a punishment, you don’t know what it will be and therefore can’t fully prepare for it.

Let’s say you keep ice-cream around the house at all times. Let’s say that you didn’t sweep the floors three times this week and now you have to pull a punishment. Now,  let’s say one of the punishments is to throw out all your ice cream for the week (or you’re not allowed to buy any for the following week depending on when shopping is scheduled).

That’s certainly not a funishment and it’s a type of punishment that is easy to execute, but not necessarily pleasant to follow through on. You have to make sure not to allow yourself loopholes like “Well, a fudgecicle isn’t ice cream…” The punishments you give yourself have to mean something or they won’t provide you the needed sense of consequence, which will just end up making your submissive self feel even further away.

If you’re using the Obedience App as a solo user, the great thing is that you can transition it to a couple and provide your Dom access to your routines. Then you can work together to determine a set of expectations and tasks that your Dom requires of you. It may begin as just using what you’ve already got in your app, but as your Dom warms up to you and as your dynamic matures, that task list may very well change and adapt to what your needs are together, and that’s wonderfulf.

How to Show Your New Dom Your Submission and Help Them Settle Into Their Role

By demonstrating to your Dom your submission, it can help them feel more at ease as your Dom.

Your dynamic is going to be unique and how you display your submission to your Dominant is going to be different for everybody, so please take these as suggestions, use them to get ideas of your own, or ignore them completely. It’s entirely up to you how you want to approach this, but I’m going to provide a few ideas that may spark some thoughts of your own.

First, when your Dom arrives or when you arrive where your Dom is, have a signal figured out that demonstrates your submission to them. If you are in a private location, kneel for your Dom and show yourself as open and available to them. If you’re at a restaurant or somewhere else public, maybe touch your collar (if you’re wearing one) or place your wrists over each other to demonstrate that you’re bound to your Dom.

When you’re alone with your Dominant, you can display yourself in fewer clothes or just be naked. Bring your Dominant a drink or make them tea or coffee. Show that you are putting intention to your actions around them, not just throwing a bag of tea into a mug. Make a show of it, even if it is a tea bag. Present it to them when it’s ready by kneeling and lifting to cup for them to take.

Keep your head bowed and refer to your Dominant by your agreed upon honorific, such as Master, Sir, Mistress, Ma’am, Madam. Come up with a nickname for both of yourselves that you use in public when you’re making a request from within the dynamic.

Instead of “Diane, can you get me a cup of coffee, please?” Perhaps you use “Kitten, could you get me a cup of coffee please?” This tells you that your Dom is asking you to do something from within the dynamic.

Wrapping Up

These little things can all add up to helping you maintain your submissive side, while also giving your new Dom room to grow and explore and get comfortable with their role as your Dom. Remember, your dynamic with a new Dom is not going to be the same as your dynamic with any of your past Doms. Let it grow naturally and be open and honest when communicating together. Being alone or being with a new Dom doesn’t mean that you have to lose your submissive side. It just means that you need to work harder at keeping that aspect of yourself alive so that you don’t end up in a dynamic having forgotten what it is that you like or need as a submissive.