The Responsibilities of a sub in a BDSM Relationship

written as Micah Brown

This is a topic that, at first blush, feels daunting. Just beginning to think about all the various things a submissive could be responsible for caused me to wonder how I would distill it into something that made sense. Then I started thinking about last week’s entry about the responsibilities of a Dom and how I was quickly able to break it down into four primary sections. I took a breath, closed my eyes, and thought about all the various things that could fall under the purview of a submissive and how these tasks could be grouped into a similar set of broad responsibilities.

It’s still a daunting task, but it’s one I’m prepared to tackle in the hopes that it may shed some light on your own dynamics or, if you’re not in a dynamic, what you might want to get out of one when you find the right person (people).

To start with, I’m going to say that this set of responsibilities is not for those who keep play to “Only in the Bedroom” types of kinksters. There is nothing at all wrong with that level of kink, but this focuses more on those people who are in a more expansive kind of dynamic.

To break it down, we will look at these four primary responsibilities of a submissive:

Personal Growth: A Key Responsibility of a Submissive Within a Dynamic

Research has demonstrated that those who exist within the kink community tend to be more well-adjusted than many of those who are not kinky. Does this mean that those who are kinky have achieved a higher level of personal growth already? While this isn’t an answer I can provide, I do know that there is always room for personal growth and that anybody who believes they have achieved maximum personal growth desperately needs more growth.

How is personal growth a responsibility of the submissive? This is a two-fold answer that looks at both the individual growth of the submissive and the Dominant. Where the Dominant’s responsibility is guidance and helping to guide the submissive to a more authentic version of themselves (a type of personal growth), the submissive’s responsibility is to allow the Dominant to guide them down that path while providing their Dom with support for their individual growth as well. The Dominant’s job is much more straightforward, often with less subtly required when they are providing guidance for their submissive.

A submissive should always be on the lookout for their Dominant and help them to better themselves as well. While a Dominant may provide specific actions for a submissive to take to help find ways to better themselves, submissives don’t have the same ability to simply give their Dominant instructions on what to do. Instead, submissives must find subtle ways to lead their Dominant to choices that will help them find ways to better themselves.

If the Dominant has decided that they wish to be in better shape, the submissive could offer to research local gyms in the area that the Dominant could go to. After selecting a gym, the submissive can recommend a schedule for the Dominant to follow so that there is something firmly written down in the calendar for the Dom to adhere to. This helps the Dominant find a way to better their health without the submissive topping from the bottom.

One of the best ways to help your Dominant achieve more personal growth is to listen to them when they talk about their day or talk about the things that are bothering them at work or about themselves and quietly find ways to encourage them to grow in those areas. Of course, this falls into our next category as well.

The Vital Role of Communication in a Dominant-submissive Relationship

Communication is more than just a Dom telling their sub what to do. Being in a heavily kink-influenced relationship means there must be communication occurring almost constantly so that everybody knows where everybody is on any specific topic.

It is not the sole responsibility of the Dominant to communicate their wants to their submissive. Even within a 24/7 Total Power Exchange dynamic, communication must go both ways. As a submissive, your responsibility is to communicate your needs and desires and clearly state your limits before any scene – and it’s okay to have different limits on different days as well. Don’t think that because you consented to being flogged with a vampire flogger last week you are okay with having it happen again this week. Be clear with your Dominant about what’s changed and when it changes.

If your Dom doesn’t know what you need or what you’re feeling, they will be less effective in guiding you to become a better version of yourself. 

Building Confidence: A Two-Way Street in BDSM Dynamics

Confidence building in a BDSM dynamic is a two-way street. The Dom must work to help lift the sub and build their confidence where it is needed, and the submissive must do the same for their Dom. The difference lies in the way each member of the dynamic approaches the idea of building confidence. How a Dom does it and how a submissive does it will look very different.

An example from my own life today was when my slave said she was going to ask to leave work early. I told her she should tell them what time she was leaving and not to ask. When she asked to leave early in the past, it was often rebuffed. In this case, she told them, and they accepted that this was what was happening. That simple act helped to boost her confidence significantly.

Looking at today from her perspective, she knows that I have been stressed about various things and haven’t felt anywhere near 100%. She took the time to listen to the things I’ve not been feeling great about and reminded me of all the fantastic things I have accomplished despite the various pitfalls I’ve encountered in recent years. Having her simply acknowledge how I’m feeling, voice how proud she is of what I have accomplished, and let me know that she respects and supports my decisions was enough to turn my entire day around.

Providing Emotional Support: A Submissive’s Essential Role

Your Dom is likely providing you with emotional support. Deeply rooted BDSM relationships often have Doms performing profound levels of support for their submissives, especially after an intense scene where aftercare is an absolute necessity. Your Dom needs emotional support as well. They are not a robot who dishes out punishments and provides pleasure without rhyme or reason.

Being that they are just as human as you are means that they may have trauma in the past that may make certain scenes harder for them to perform well in than others. Being patient and listening to your Dom before a scene is a good way to help determine their needs after they’ve taken care of you.

I cannot tell you the best way to provide your Dom with emotional support as it will vary from person to person and situation to situation. I can tell you that you should talk to your Dom about their needs and how you can provide them with the most comforting emotional support possible.

Take Responsibility: Beyond Chores and into Emotional Care

I can hear a few of you asking, “What about the tasks my slave/sub is responsible for? Are you going to talk about those tasks?”

No, I’m not. Those tasks are part of the whole tapestry, whether used to build confidence, provide emotional support, foster open communication, or help aim your Dom toward more personal growth. Emotional support could be cleaning the living room once a week because Your Dom cannot stand to live in a cluttered space, and they become overwhelmed when attempting to do it themselves.

Remember that the tasks you perform for your Dom go beyond simply doing chores around the house and become profoundly personal and supportive of their needs. Always make sure that you say encouraging things to your Dom as often as you can.