Create Your BDSM contract in 3 phases
Written by Maja Metera
A BDSM contract is a document representing an agreement between people entering a power exchange, or Dominant-submissive, dynamic. Creating a contract is crucial to ensuring clear communication, mutual understanding, and consent between everyone involved in the relationship.
What we are trying to encourage here is mindfulness and human connection. A BDSM contract does not have to feel like this rigid, soulless document that you scan through and sign in front of a third party, e.g., a lawyer - like taken straight from ‘50 Shades of Grey’. We put the “agreement” part first - not the fact that a contract is supposed to be a physical document.
Nonetheless, starting this process can be daunting due to its importance. This article will guide you through the three creation phases of such a contract, from initial discussions to implementation. You can also download a printable workbook filled with exercises to help you stay mindful during that time.
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Phase 1: Pre-contract negotiations
Before you dive head first into creating your contract, it is essential to establish sound foundations. They are the same whether you are in an established relationship or have just started dating. The basis of any good relationship - especially a BDSM one - is mutual respect and understanding.
To achieve such strong foundations, we advise you to schedule a time to review the basics. Even if you think you couldn’t possibly know your partner better than you already do, go over the key points and address changes or new approaches. Because people evolve, and if you are not paying enough attention, you might overlook significant changes that happen slowly throughout your relationship.
Approach the BDSM contract creation from a helicopter perspective
Therefore, find a time to calmly and comfortably sit together with minimal interruptions - as much as possible in your context. Make the atmosphere cozy and welcoming - maybe with food, drinks, or blankets.
Then start broad:
What are your hopes and dreams for your dynamic?
What do you wish it would bring into your life with the new, contract-defined structure?
Those questions will kick-start your conversation and help you identify critical aspects of the dynamic that are especially important to the involved partners.
In turn, those essential aspects will serve as a guidepost for the rest of the contract-making process and can also be used to check in while the contract is in place and ensure that you are staying on the right track. But more about that in phase three.
Get your workbook here
Outline everyone’s limits, safewords, and aftercare needs
To ensure that everyone is enjoying themselves, you first need to create a sense of safety and security so they can turn off the anxiety part of their brains, get turned on, and turn on the trust bond.
You can do that by clearly outlining hard limits - things you do not wish to do under any circumstances - and soft limits (maybes or activities requiring special conditions). This chat should also include the topic of triggers - we covered it in more depth, discussing the stages of having a scene.
This will narrow down the scope of your dynamic and ensure that everyone is worry-free and ready to have fun. Our workbook and limits spreadsheet are here to help you focus and direct your thoughts so you don’t miss anything important.
Lastly, it would be best to prioritize covering safety measures as early as possible - including safewords and aftercare practices. Establish both verbal and nonverbal communication queues,, which will mean that something is wrong and should be addressed immediately - as well as what type of support is needed in the eventuality of getting triggered, overwhelmed etc. You will find more information about limits and the traffic light system in our articles.
Phase 2: Writing the power dynamic contract
So you had a chat and maybe even filled out the workbook. If you did, you have a solid base to draft your contract. Now, it is time for the easy part - writing things up. But what should be included after all that talking?
Structure of the BDSM contract
Introduction:
State the purpose of the contract and the names of the participants.
Mention that the contract is a consensual agreement between the Dominant and submissive.
Roles and Responsibilities:
Define the roles of the Dominant and submissive in the relationship.
Detail the specific responsibilities and duties of each role.
Duration and Review:
Specify the duration of the contract (e.g., six months, one year, indefinite).
Include provisions for regular reviews and updates to the contract.
Rules and Protocols:
List the rules and protocols that will govern the dynamic.
Include daily rituals, forms of address, and any specific behaviors expected from the submissive.
Training and Discipline:
Outline any training or educational activities the submissive will undergo.
Detail the disciplinary measures for breaking the rules or protocols, ensuring they are consensual and understood by both parties.
Rewards and Incentives:
Specify any rewards or positive reinforcement for the submissive’s good behavior or achievements.
Ensure that rewards are meaningful and motivating for the submissive.
Limits and Boundaries:
Reiterate the hard and soft limits discussed in Step 1.
Include any specific conditions or scenarios where certain activities are permitted or restricted.
Communication and Check-Ins:
Establish a schedule for regular check-ins to discuss the dynamic, feelings, and any necessary adjustments.
Emphasize the importance of open and honest communication.
Conflict Resolution:
Detail the process for resolving conflicts or disagreements that may arise.
Include steps for addressing concerns and seeking external help if needed.
Termination Clause:
Outline the conditions under which either party can terminate the contract.
Ensure there is a process for safely ending the dynamic if necessary.
Phase 3: Implementing the power exchange contract
Congratulations! You have made it through the contract creation process! You should have a signed document in front of you. What now?
First of all, start slowly. Just like re-entering a dynamic after taking a break from it, you do not want to jump head-first into the pool of high protocol. Instead, pick one thing to focus on - a group of tasks, means of address, or an after-work routine. You are trying to establish new habits and thinking patterns - therefore, just like with any other habit formation, it will take time. Be patient. Once engaging with those aspects of your dynamic feels more natural, you can add another element. Do that gradually over a more extended period until you reach the full shape of your agreed-upon terms. To decide if you are ready for the next element of your progression, make it a topic of your regular dynamic check-in and feel the level of comfort.
Secondly, remember that just because “BDSM C“tract” sounds” very official and “set-in-stone,” - it does not mean that you cannot discuss and make changes to it together. It does not have to be a formal document - you can work through our workbook together. What is important is that you have a place where you can check what you agreed to, review your limits, and remind yourself of those of your partner(s).
Lastly, the contract is supposed to help you stay happy and healthy in your power exchange—therefore, be vocal about things that don't work. Prioritise self-care. Be open to negotiating and compromise. Use resources to learn more about each other, kink, and your preferences.
You can create and implement a comprehensive and consensual power exchange contract that fosters a healthy, fulfilling, and respectful D/s dynamic.
We believe in you - you should, too.
