The Responsibilities of a Dom in a BDSM Relationship

written by Micah Brown

*For the sake of ease, I will be using the term Dom as a generic catch-all for all genders of Dominant in this piece.

Kinky relationships are not all sex and spankings, despite what pop culture would have you believe. There are many different types of Doms, as we have discussed before. While we could go in-depth into the responsibilities of each kind of Dom, we will take this space to provide broad strokes for a general understanding.

If we are to break down the primary responsibilities of a Dominant in a deeply kinky BDSM relationship, then the top contenders would be as shown below.

The Guiding Hand of a Dom

Research has shown that those deeply invested in BDSM-style relationships tend to be happier and have longer-lasting relationships than the more vanilla types of relationships. While there are many possible reasons for this, one of the most prominent and essential reasons focuses on the role of communication and guidance within the relationship.

Due to the nature of a kinky relationship, being able to communicate what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with can extend beyond the fetish aspects of a dynamic and enter the romantic and platonic elements of the dynamic as well. Telling a Dom that you are not comfortable with anal sex can make it much easier to talk to your partner about other things that you may not be comfortable with, like visiting a relative who is on the extremist side of politics or not going to crowded events because you do not like crowds.

The responsibility of the Dom in these cases is to listen to these concerns and respect your boundaries.

“The job of a good Dom should be to help their submissive become the best version of themselves”

While tactics used to accomplish this may include punishments such as writing lines, spankings, and other non-vanilla activities, it should always be the goal of the Dom to guide the sub to a more solidified sense of self-worth. While the roles that the Dom and sub play during a scene may look very different from that – especially for subs who have a degradation kink – everything is in service to helping the submissive better understand themselves.

For many, having a degradation kink, a watersports kink, or even an age play kink may cause feelings of shame and disappointment in themselves. Having somebody in their life who accepts that side of them and enjoys taking part in those kinds of scenes and that type of play can significantly boost a sub's morale and confidence.

It may seem counterintuitive that calling somebody a dirty whore while beating them with a flogger before fucking them in a manner that leaves bruises could be good for self-esteem. It is the acceptance of the submissive's desires and needs that boosts their self-esteem and self-worth. Their Dom calling them a worthless slut makes them excited because it means that their Dom understands them and is giving the submissive what they need out of the dynamic.

The Dom's Responsibility for Safety

While safety is the responsibility of both the Dom and the sub, the Dom is generally in control of a scene and may have to make sudden decisions on safety. Even if the submissive feels there is nothing to worry about, if the Dom decides that something may have gone too far or is uncomfortable going where the submissive would like them to go, it is up to the Dominant to stop and evaluate with their submissive.

It is best to avoid these situations by having firm boundaries and limits set by all parties participating in the scene. If the submissive likes blood play and the Dominant is squeamish around blood, that aspect of play should be left out of the scene. Remember that both the Dominant and the submissive are entering into the scene in the hopes of gaining fulfillment at the end of it. Having a conversation and finding common ground before a scene is important, and the Dominant should ensure this conversation occurs before every scene.

The most crucial safety protocol for any scene will be the safe word. While there are several ways to work with the idea of a Safe Word that denotes all play must stop immediately. This is used so that anybody within the scene can stop the play without hard feelings from anybody else in the scene. The other popular method for safe words is the “Stoplight Method.” Instead of having a single word that means stop, there is more nuance to the phrasing that can keep the play going when things get too intense. 

Regardless of the method you decide on within your dynamic, it is still essential as the Dom to ensure that you check in with each other during a session.

Building Confidence in Your Submissive

Being confident is one of the most attractive traits a person can have. Studies have shown that, despite appearances, a display of confidence increases the attractiveness of an individual. Confident individuals will hold their bodies differently; they tend to make more eye contact and not be afraid to speak their minds on any given topic. Boosting the confidence of your submissive is one of your most important jobs as a Dominant, and one of the best ways to do this is after an intense play session during aftercare.

Outside of the safety of the submissive, aftercare is perhaps the pinnacle of Dominant responsibility. This is the time when the Dominant can show the submissive exactly how much they care for their partner. Regardless of whether there is a romantic connection between the Dom and the sub, it is vital that whatever aftercare the submissive requires is provided.

Showing your submissive how deeply grateful you are for them, how proud you are of them for their performance in the scene, and how much you care for them will give your submissive a boost of confidence that will only increase the afterglow of a heavy scene.

This can also be tied back to Guidance, wherein you take the time during aftercare to boost their self-esteem and help guide them to a better version of themselves.

Offering Emotional Support as a Dom

All relationship types require some kind of emotional support. Whether you are as vanilla as a pint of ice cream or as kinky as an old paperclip, emotional support needs to be given to those we choose to share our lives with. Yes, the submissive will indeed offer emotional support to their Dominant, sometimes at the cost of their emotional well-being if they are not well taken care of in return.

It can be easy as a Dominant to accept all the care and emotional support that our submissives provide us and forget to reciprocate. I cannot say I have always been perfect about providing emotional support in the past, so I take extra care with my current partner to give her as much emotional support as she gives me.

People have trauma in their pasts, and those in kink may be using kink to help face that trauma. Somebody who was once sexually assaulted may desire to take part in CNC (Consensual-Non-Consent) play to help them feel empowered over their past and know that they are safe with their partner, even if the play is rough. In this case, the Dom should be mindful of their experience and potentially provide additional care and support during aftercare.

Scenes of any type can be emotionally draining for everybody involved, so it is important to remember to check in with and take care of your submissives for all the support they provide to you.

The Responsible Thing

The responsibilities of a Dom are vast and varied. Taking the time to sit down and discuss with your partner what they expect of you as their Dom will get everybody on the same page. Being clear about your expectations for your submissive will reduce the possibility of conflict in the future.

Everybody has responsibilities toward each other. Communicate what you want and listen to what they want.

Play responsibly and respectfully.

Keep it Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Sources:

Pappas, S. (2013, May 30). Bondage Benefits: BDSM Practitioners Healthier Than “Vanilla” People. NBC News. https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna52043804

‌Cutchin, J. (2019, March 27). Healthier than vanilla? - NEON. NEON. https://neon.uscannenbergmedia.com/2019/03/healthier-than-vanilla/

‌Myslewski, R. (2013, May 31). Kinky? You’re mentally healthier than “vanilla” bonkers. Theregister.com. https://www.theregister.com/2013/05/31/bdsm_practitioners_more_mentally_healthy_than_vanillia_folks/

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