Quiet Doesn't Mean Healthy: The Case for Fighting, Discussion, and Honest Communication in Kink

Have you ever known a couple that is proud of the fact that they never fight? Did that couple make it in the long run or did it fizzle out? Was there suddenly a big explosive fight that tore down everything they’d built?

Despite the negative connotations of relational fights, and despite the often strong negative feelings that occur during fights, that doesn’t mean that fights are unhealthy. It’s the way in which you approach the fight and the energy you decide to bring to it.

You may not even think that what you’re doing is fighting if you’re not screaming at each other (generally speaking, screaming at each other during a fight is not healthy). But if you’re not screaming at each other, is it really a fight? Yes, but perhaps with caveats.

Arguments vs. Fights: Is There Actually a Difference?

Are arguments and fighting the same thing? While there is some nuance here, for the sake of this article I’m going to lean into the idea that an argument is a fight, though I’m sure many will disagree with that assessment. You may have an argument over where to go for dinner, for example. While this may seem like a small thing, it’s possible that this could escalate into something bigger.

“We always end up doing what you want!”

“Because you can’t make a decision!”

And then you’re into fight that has lost the thread of the original discussion: “Where do you want to go to dinner?”

The reason I’m conflating arguments and fights into the same thing is that they are both asserting the idea that one person is right and the other person is wrong. When it comes to relationships, whether kinky or vanilla, being right or wrong isn’t always as clear as it may sound. An argument about the date of a celebrities death is something that can certainly be proven, but if this is what you’re arguing about and it turns out your partner was right all along, how will you take that? How will they react when they are proven correct? Will they become smug about it, or will they be magnanimous about being right.

Arguments turn into fights often after the subject of the argument is proven one way or the other. A better way to move forward from fights and arguments is to consider the idea of a discussion.

How to Turn a Fight Into a Productive Discussion

What is it that we are considering here? What’s the difference between a discussion and an argument or a fight? The primary factor is the approach. When you go into an argument or fight, you’re often trying to prove something to the other person. “You always choose,” or “Why am I the only one who cleans?” If you approach the subject as a discussion, if you’re not trying to prove something to the other person, then both of you will be more receptive to what the other has to say.

The hardest part of a discussion is not getting angry about things that are being said, or more specifically, allowing the anger to run your mouth and your actions. Anger is a very real and very valid emotion. Some discussion topics can be very volatile and may cause one or both of you to experience anger. Acknowledging that anger, both to yourself and to your partner, is a good way to keep it from turning the discussion into a fight.

Understanding Anger in Relationships

“I saw with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.” – C.S. Lewis

If we think about every time we’ve angry, it is grief behind it. Maybe not profound grief, maybe not the loss of a loved one level of grief, but still grief. We grieve the loss of our belief when we are proven wrong. We grieve the feeling of safety we once had should our home be broken into and burglarized. We grieve the sense of self that existed in the good parts of our life. We grieve who we thought our partner was when they show us a side of themselves that we don’t like.

It is okay to be angry and it is okay to express that anger. Not as an attack on somebody, but as an expression of what we’re feeling. Talk about your anger, what made you angry, and investigate why it makes you angry.

Anger will always lead back to some kind of grief or feeling of loss. When we’re angry at the state of the world, it’s because we feel a loss at what we thought the world was.

How to Make Conflict Productive in a Kink Dynamic

One of the strengths of being in a kinky relationship is the communication that must occur within the relationship for it to continue to function. Having frequent conversations, and even disagreements, within a kinky dynamic is healthy and provides structure for the relationship’s foundation. Having frank, often difficult conversations with your partner is something that happens often within a kinky dynamic.

One phrase that simply needs to die is “Don’t go to bed angry.” This is some of the worst advice that exists. When you’re tired, you’re not thinking straight. You’re more likely to lash out and not be able to come to a conclusion. Instead, take a break and get some sleep. Let your brain do the work in your subconscious and come back to the discussion with fresh eyes, and a fresh brain, in the morning. Don’t use the sleep as an excuse to end the fight. It’s important that you finish the discussion and get closure on the subject that you can both accept.

My partner and I are often sharing thoughts and ideas and worries with each other, as well as new fantasies and ideas for scenes. Even after all this time together, we still find it nerve wracking to bring up a new idea, afraid that they will somehow judge us for what we’re fantasizing about. Our dynamic is all about communication, especially because of the types of play we tend to partake in – edge play that includes blood play, sharps play, and breath play.

These conversations must be had in ways that allow for both of to be able to share and express our feelings. We do not always agree on things, and we have both been hurtful to other without meaning to be through our words and actions, and we have taken the time to talk about it every time.

Our dynamic has a sound to it, a rhythm to it, even when we’re upset with each other, that keeps it grounded.

It’s when there is silence that you have to worry about where things stand.

Why Silence Is More Dangerous Than Fighting in a D/s Relationship

What happens when the discussions die, when the arguments fade, and when the fights just stop happening? That’s usually a sign of indifference and can signal a decline in the strength of the relationship. Maybe you have a relationship that you never argue or fight in. If it’s healthy, that relationship will still have noise to it, still have a rhythm to it, where open discussion lives. What is there to do within a relationship if there is no communication?

Don’t stew in silence. Don’t let resentment crawl into the corners of silence and setup shop. Being silent allows the growth of negativity and disinterest. Speak up. Be honest. Communicate or there will be nothing left to communicate about.

What Healthy Conflict Actually Looks Like in Kink

Fights within a healthy kink dynamic can happen. Discussions should always be happening. Facing each other with hearts and minds is important, especially when there is a fight or an argument. How you face those fights is going to tell you how strong your relationship is, and the more communication you have, the more likely it is that your relationship is going to remain strong, even after the fight.

Don’t let silence take over your relationship, keep the communication moving, especially when it’s uncomfortable. If your dynamic and your relationship aren’t worth a little discomfort, it may be time to reevaluate everything about it.