How to Get Back to Normal in a Kink Relationship After a Major Argument

There are fights in relationships. Sometimes they are small and pass quickly, other times they may become knock-down drag-out fights that leave everybody involved gasping for air and feeling hurt. One type of fight is easy to move on from, but the other type of fight can cause a rift in the relationship and cause issues within the dynamic. How do you approach a return to your kinky normal after a fight? How can you get back to protocol and move forward after the fight has ended and the apologies accepted? Because, even after the fight and the apologies and the forgiveness, there’s the journey back to full trust and feeling safe within the dynamic.

This isn’t about the little fights. This is about the ones that devastate everybody involved.

When a Fight Shatters Your Dynamic: What Comes Next

There are fights that will echo in your mind forever. The ones that felt like the entire world was crumbling down around your ears and every word was another blow so destructive it felt like a fist. In the wreckage of a fight like this, there are decision that need to be made and conversations that will need to be had. All of this is a delicate balance that begins the work of coming back to yourselves after a massive blowout of a fight. Every step of this process must be tread carefully for the risk exists that a wrong word could reignite the entire fight all over again and then you end up back at square zero while you try to find where square one went.

Those of us who exist within a kinky dynamic know that there is more nuance in coming back from a massive fight than there might be with a more vanilla relationship. That’s not to say that those who exist outside of kink would have it easy, and in fact, because communication tends to be so strong with kinky individuals, it may actually be easier in the long run to get through the aftermath.

While you may be sitting in your living room after the fight, you may feel you’re collapsed at the edge of a battlefield that has been decimated. Now you are the only ones left to try and put the pieces back together, never mind the fact that you’re also the ones to have caused the destruction in the first place.

Nerves are raw, emotions seem to be running high one moment and utterly exhausted the next. Adrenaline is leaving your system and your body is beginning to lose that hyper vigilance that existed during the worst of it. Now you look around and you wonder how any of this could possibly be rebuilt.

Step One: Finding Solid Ground Together Before Doing Anything Else

The most important thing you can do to start the process is to find solid ground to walk on. This means finding something you can connect with your partner about. Maybe it’s simply sitting down and watching a favorite movie, maybe it’s listening to music. Maybe it’s sending each other videos on your phones, but whatever it is, make sure that it’s something you can do together. During this time don’t try to talk about the fight, don’t try to fix things, just exist with each other and remember what it’s like to be at peace around each other. This will help you to steady your emotions and be more open and receptive when the rest of the work begins.

How to Talk About the Fight Without Restarting It

This is going to look different for everybody, but the crux of it is that you start talking about the fight. This doesn’t mean getting back into the fight, but figuring out why it occurred, which may not be as obvious as you think once you start talking. Then you need to really listen to each other and your concerns about the fight. You’re not going to fix everything all at once after a fight like this, so give yourself some grace and don’t try to fix everything all at once.

During this time, don’t try to get back into the dynamic. What you need right now is the ability to talk on equal footing, and most dynamics contain a power structure. This is not the time for there to be a power structure as it can lead to other issues around hierarchy and may make the bottom feel as though they have to capitulate to the Top. To heal from a fight that shattered your protocols, you need to start healing on equal ground.

Communicate clearly. We’ve all heard it before and we all know the drill – talk in “I Feel” statements. Keep words of blame at bay because in a fight like this, everybody involved has some blame. Move past that so you can get to the heart of the issue.

How to Rebuild Your Kink Protocols From the Ground Up

Once you’re feeling ready to start investigating your protocols again, you likely want to start almost from scratch. If you had a contract before, you may want to consider taking it out and going over it line by line making necessary changes as you go.

If you don’t have a contract, this may be a good time to start one. Believe it or not, kinky dynamics of all sorts can have contracts associated with them. It’s not just for Master/slave dynamics. Even if your dynamic is really just something that happens in the bedroom, a contract for that can be very helpful in building expectations and understandings into the dynamic as a whole. Having a solid piece of paper that explains your dynamic in plain terms that you can each understand is going to help you in the long run, especially if the fight had anything to do with the dynamic. Being able to go back to the source material together may help alleviate fights in the future.

Even with a contract in place, you want to start slow (I suggest to put that into your contract). Trying to jump back in to where you were prior to the fight isn’t going to end up working out well for anybody. This type of fight can harm trust, so you need to rebuild that trust as you rebuild the protocol.

If you’re in a Master/slave dynamic, start by giving your slave small tasks and work them back up to the bigger tasks. Don’t jump in on severe punishments, but work from a smaller punishments and increase those as you increase their expectations. If you’re in a different type of dynamic, keep it light and give each other the space you need to build back up to the trust you once had. It’s work, but if your dynamic is strong , it’s worth it to keep it going.

As you’re rebuilding your protocols, set a schedule for regular checkins. In the beginning, check in daily on how things are going. Daily checkins don’t have to be big conversations. Just a brief moment to bring up anything that might be troubling one of you. Then weekly, have a bigger conversation about where you are and what steps you might want to take to move on to the next level of your protocol. As you move through this process you will probably want to start discussions about how to avoid fights like that in the future. Believe me, a fight like this you only ever want to have once and then never again. Of course, that’s not how life works, so it’s better to plan for ways to avoid a similar situation in the future.

Ongoing Communication: How to Stay Connected Through the Recovery

It must be a day of the week that ends in a “Y” because here I am talking about communication again. Despite my dad-joke level of humor, communication is incredibly important. Set weekly and monthly checkins to see how you’re doing with the protocols once you’re back to whatever your new normal is. Make sure to bring up any issues that you have concerns about, but also make sure to talk about the positive things going on within the dynamic as well. You don’t want your checkins to be only negative things. You should always have something positive to bring.

Set aside a notebook or blank journal and use that write down things you want to discuss at the next check in. Put it somewhere you can both access it and add items to. This way, both of you know what the other wants to talk about during checkin and this allows both of you to prepare for the conversation.

Not Every Dynamic Survives But Here's How to Give Yours the Best Chance

Fights are going to happen. How we deal with the aftermath determines how deeply invested we are to our partner and to our dynamic. Not all dynamics can be rescued after a serious fight. Not all relationships can come back from the brink. My hope here is that these words may help you to avoid a split and keep your dynamic running strong after you’ve done your healing.

Fights are terrible, emotional, and often heart-wrenching. Some people will say that fights are avoidable, others will tell you they’re not. In the end, it doesn’t matter as most people will experience at least once serious fight in their life with a significant other. Try to stay strong when it happens, and make certain that you continue to communicate through the healing process.